was talking to baby, as usual. we talk all the freaking time when we're not together. its not like there're lots to talk about. i just like the feeling of having something tangible to hold on to. and when i cant see him, hearing him is like the next best thing.
thats me. thats ultra inferiority complex me. thats ultra insecure me. thats ultra hard to handle me. so much for not having changed much since the beginning. its amazing how he's able to take all my nonsense in his stride, as though they werent anything much. such that i dont even register the damage i've been doing. guess i was living in my own world again. i think its me. like its this one huge obstacle that i am simply not able to get across.
i dont want to be like that. but somehow, no matter how much i try, or think i'm trying, i subconsciously do all those things that i didnt want to in the first place. and each time i get bitten by how it really is, how i really am, the shock that registers become harder and harder to digest.
ray loves me. i think. but no matter, because he's done alot for me. and for that, he deserves more than the shit that i've been throwing at him. its hard. because baby doesnt protest. and when i do realise i havent been treating him the way i ought to, its usually big, its usually bad. and the few times he does, the few times he protests because i tell him to, i breakdown. i breakdown the way i brokedown awhile ago, i breakdown the way i'm breaking down now. i breakdown the way i'm going to in awhile.
its not easy when you think you've changed, and you realise that you really havent. and instead, you've become worse. maybe i'm better suited for the mentally torturous relationship.
