its so easy to say, dont let a guy determine your self worth. its so easy to say, snap out of it. its so easy to say, he's just one guy.
i've been repeating that to myself every freaking day.
a whole chain of events led to the eventual blow up. like how i was just starting to feel inadequate. like how i was getting sick of the monotony. like how i was beginning to congest intellectually, with all the thoughts streaming out like nobody's business and his lack of understanding and interest. and that catalysing rabbit.
and ray said he was going through a rough patch. that i'm not the only thing in his life he's losing his zest in.
then came the moment of truth when i begin to realise that my happiness, the only thing which has been sustaining this relationship, is the byproduct of his imagination.
have you done this? yes.
have you not dont that? yes.
everyday is make believe. and rabbit tells me that i have short term happiness, and that every sweetness detailed here is true. like i dont know that. like i need him to feel my happiness for me to know that its true.
when all he did was tell me painful truths, i hoped he lied. and when i thought i was happy, i had to find out it was built on lies. am i so fucked up, that lying is the only way to keep me happy? are the things i ask for too much?
ray says he lied because he didnt want me to be upset. he lied so that i can be happy. so my happiness is achieveable only through lies.
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i'm really trying to validate my anger against this person who loves me so much as to keep lying and bearing the painful truth to sustain my happiness.
its going to take awhile before i learn to sleep soundly again.
