we broke up.

we broke up.

i love you, ray. thank you for everything that you've ever done for me. i'm sorry i wasnt as good a girlfriend as i should have been. thank you for loving me. thank you for understanding.

分了手才知道我原来这么依赖你。当爱变成习惯，而甜蜜开始变成责任时，分开或许是最好的决定吧。。。

i miss you.

you were the best i've ever had, and yet i was my worst when i was with you. and as my demands escalated, your love remained. i'm sorry i never got round to doing all those things i planned on doing.

i love you. and i'm sorry i didnt love you enough.

familiarity.

my brother's blog

will someone buy me this?

actually, that's not an accurate representation of what i really want. but its the only thing i managed to find so far. i've been looking since i saw it on one of the ge lan videos i was youtubing the other day. that lao ya shop in the cathay only had the squarish one.

i want a vintage beauty case!! or whatever it is that they call these round luggage-looking bags.

its 4 days to my first paper, and i wonder why i am not doing anything about it.

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

my favourite quote from my favourite movie..


too many guys think i'm a concept, or i complete them, or i'm gonna make them alive..
but i'm just a fucked up girl, who's looking for my own peace of mind.. dont assign me yours..

$40

i must be crazy.




what did i buy this time?!




i wouldnt be surprised if you couldnt recognise the titles. i barely recognise them myself. perhaps you would like to ask your grandmother. i'm sure she'll tell you all about 《星星，月亮，太阳》，《曼波女郎》and《野玫瑰之恋》.. i think this is what you call'premature aging'. my grandmother is going to love me.

i can only hope her loving comes with a little more chawanmushi.


you know, i'm only left with $30 now..

what's your problem, toh peck choo?!

mambo queen. me.

that women sent me the link for this video..




and i completely completely completely love this.. the original mambo queen lor!! ^^




my brother loves this.. hahaha.. ^^




and that woman also sent this..



i honestly still refuse to believe he sang it!!


oh oh.. strip is good. better than that eewy place we went to the first time. ^^

birthday 2008 vs1

i know its still damn long to my birthday, but i've almost already decided on what i want..

i want to go up the freaking dhl balloon, the singapore flyer, and have dinner in the cable car. ^^


and no, raymond tan will definitely NOT be doing any of those with me, because that bugger is acrophobic. i tell you, he doesnt even dare to look down the window from my room.

i want to go up the dhl balloon on a windy day, take the singapore flyer on a clear late afternoon and watch the sunset over dinner in the cable car.

of course, i also want to go to genting and enter the frigging casino.

walked home.

you know i always get turned off by that immensely long 238 queue whenever i have to get home from tpy central. earlier, the queue stretched all the way to the now defunct convenience shop, which used to be run by that very snobbish indian lady. no wonder it folded. blehs..

and so, my patience got the better of me, and i decided to trek home. it also helped that i happened to remember my ez-link is down to about $3, and i've just bought this seemingly pretty night slip from kooshi.com. i hate online shopping. i hate how convenient it is to just key in a few numbers and have things delivered to your doorstep within the week. i hate how these online catalogue shops never run out of reasons for a sale.

and i hate my proclivity to purchase all those pretty lingerie/bra sets/night slips. i used to quote rabbit as an excuse for getting them, but now that there isnt anyone to appreciate my efforts, why have i not ceased to buy them?! no, raymond tan is not interested. not even one bit. and his lack of enthusiasm has pretty much killed off mine.

back when we were together, the rabbit said he'd buy me a new set when he starts work. now that he's started to have a regular income, i hope he remembers if we ever got back together.


so yes, i walked home from tpy central, after walking to tpy central from the jalan tpy bus stop. and that's while i was wearing my brother's slippers, which were far too big for me, and a little loose, and a little uncomfortable, and a little heavy. that's the down side when you have the same slipper as your brother. and i only realised it while i was queuing at the bank to deposit money into my account. (around the same time i remembered i bought the slip.) it made me feel silly for having dragged the slippers around the entire day. and my feet hurt because they were too big and too heavy.

oh, i walked fastest when listening to mambo songs and i walked slowest when michael buble's home started to play. i've also been listening non-stop to jay chou's new olympic song. i think i might be able to memorise the lyrics in a few days.

oh well, its been damn long since i walked home from tpy central. i remember a time when i used to walk there alot. back when rabbit and i were still together, when i bought breakfast for him so often that the tau huey auntie recognised me and knew what i was going to get. the said auntie has probably forgotten about the crazy girl who used to buy $1 tau huey zui from her at 7am every morning.

it feels damn shiok now that most of the items on my OMG list has been struck off, and i'm totally prepared for the oral test tomorrow, after our 1 and a half hour consultation with ibu indrianti..

and suddenly i have a little time to reflect on the whirlwind of my final semester, which will be over in less than a month. and that also means, my university life, my entire identity as a student will effectively come to an end. i ordered my graduation dress last night. i hope i really do graduate, because i'm really quite sick of the whole studying thing already. then again, i'm quite dreading the graduation, especially since i havent really decided on what i'm going to do after that.

(i wonder if its a good thing that as i'm typing now, my brain is trying to form sentences of the bahasa equivalent.)

the boyfriend just called. he's getting a little upset because i havent been meeting him lately. i've had to revise for my tests, i've also had to work. it should be worrying because i have no qualms about not meeting him. i'm going to finish my packet of ruffles and then revise for tomorrow's oral again.


*if i could relive my entire university life, this is not how i would have done it.

diet

the time is 3.29am, and i'm about to sleep.

before that, i need to lose weight. its depressing everytime i open my blog and see that anorexic arm.

shall not snack in the middle of the night anymore..

*busy stuffing sour cream and onion ruffles into my mouth*


oh. ah fang, you know hor, that inefficient place which made you print out your transaction log called to ask me if i was interested to join them. some my number is in your database shit.

zhng my hair

i want to..

- cut my hair..
- dye it..
- treatment..
- rebond..


i want to remove the highlights, and then put in new highlights!! ahahaha..

ah fang says my tendency to zhng my hair during exam periods is probably some de-stress activity that i have been subconsciously doing semester after semester.

oh, i need to stop watching youtube and start revising!!

i also need to wake up early tomorrow to bath because there's going to be waterworks, and the water supply will be cut from 9 to 6.. blah.. i'll just go over to ah ma's house to bath.. ^^

i'm watching some zai zai show now. damnit. and i'm also watching bleach. and i'm also watching lost. and i'm also watching la bi xiao xin. if i had 48 hours a day, it'd probably wouldnt help. i ought to stop rubbing it into ah fang's face, because she has to stay up tonight, to do essay. (if i do, it'd be to youtube while holding my textbook.)

my mother needs to stop convincing me to go for the sia interview, because i'm trying to submit my resume to the national library board. bespectacled librarian sitting behind the counter sounds so much more seductive than the kebaya-wearing, red-lipped, blue-eyeshadowed singapore girl. i have massive library fantasies, fueled further by that koizora movie.

i have this yucky intuition that tells me i'm going to pick up the biggest vice by year end.

oh, i forgot to mention that i've finally gotten my bagus sekali. 有好的开始, 就会有好的结束.. ^^

nails.

i started growing out my nails after breaking up with the rabbit because he once commented on how boyish my hands looked. he reckons that girls usually have longer nails, and that girls with short nails are usually those who were actively involved in some form of sports that prevented them from growing out their nails.

so i grew them as long as i could. if you must know, i have damn brittle nails. they chip off super easily. which is why i dont really like going for manicures, because after i remove the thick thick thick polish they use, with a lot a lot of remover, my nails will break. (of course, i love the few days of pretty nails after the manicure.)

my nails are also extremely pliable. it shocked the hell out of ray when he accidentally bent it while playing with my fingers. he got grossed out by how seemingly boneless my flaccid fingers were, and he almost fainted when he realized my nails were the same.

rabbit asked me what i was doing whenever i put my hands behind him when he fetches me around, and i've already told him that i was looking at my nails. i hate how the nail from both my forefingers look skewed, no matter how much i try to file them or shape them, they always look out of shape.

anyways, the point is, i cut my nails.. i got sick of looking at how out of shape they were, and how they were trapping dirt.. isnt it gross how those porn stars always have perfectly manicured nails, with diamantes and all, and they proceed to dig their uh-hem uh-hem. doesnt it hurt? or maybe its more shiok that way.

blah, i wont get to know since my nails are ultra short now. i have this tendency to cut them too short, until the flesh at the sides get exposed. i think that's probably why ray, or all my ex boyfriends for that matter, refuse to let me cut their nails for them. humph!


oh, i've given up on my little tattoo idea after this friend of mine gave up halfway through. actually, it wasnt even halfway done. its like one quarter of the outline only. that bugger has like two fingers' spacing of ink on his back now. damn ugly de!! hehehe..

i've also made an appointment at the cathay for both of us, this friday at 1pm. ^^

sesudah itu, kami akan tidak ada rambut di sana! saya tidak senang rambutnya. pacar saya juga tidak senang rambutnya. dia mengatak rambutnya berbau. hahaha!! nanti, saya ajak pacar bekas saya, kalau dia senang rambutnya.

sekarang saya sudah selasai ujian, jadi saya masih belum lupa banyak kata. minggu yang lalu, saya kira saya akan lupa semua. karena ada ujian besar.

sekarang saya masih tidak tahu ujian saya format apa. MADU, kalau kamu tahu format untuk ujian i/o psikologi, harus mengatakan kepada saya!

saya sebaiknya belajar. besok ada ujian european history. saya sudah belajar, tetapi saya kira tidak cukup. ujian itu sulit sekali, masih ada peta. saya tidak senang mata kuliah itu. dosen juga tidak bagus.

next week.

in spite of the gloominess of the coming week, which as you can see in the left column, is filled with tests and work, what with the bahasa test and oral, and my euro history test, and that crazy-ass work schedule, i finally have something happy to look forward to!! ^^

we are going to ba mao.. kekeke..

shall make the appointment tomorrow. in the meantime, i should go revise for the bahasa test tomorrow. i've not touched it at all. have been busy being bloody rabbits and reading up on that euro history test.

here's something that might hopefully induce the studying mood. i've already set it as my lappie wallpaper.. babe and i were just talking about how gross it is that next week is our study week already. mummy and daddy seems to quite want me to interview for the stewardess thingy since i've not made up my mind. and i really want to see the colosseum. :(



and we definitely need to go there again.



shall go watch yesterday's they kiss again before i get to revising for my indonesian test.



its the third time. each time brings me closer and yet further from you. i cant seem to find the familiarity that i was so used to. where did it go? why did you go? where have you gone? why didnt i wait?

人都是要失去后才能学会珍惜, 而我却是那个失去后仍然不敢珍惜的笨蛋..
你却不可思议的比我笨..

how many hearts can a person break?
how many times can a heart be broken?

sushi craving

its 6.30am, and i have sushi craving.

colors

while attempting to paint my nails just now, i realised mummy stole my purple nail polish. and then i discovered that i didnt have yellow polish, which happens to be ray's favourite colour. i also found out that i had the most number of pink, red and black polish, which were my favourite colours in different points throughout the year.

the new colour is now red, and i've officially gotten sick of gold.

and then i also became conscious of the fact that i didnt know what was rabbit's favourite colour. either i had forgotten, or i didnt know in the first place, it reminded me of the time when babe said that no matter how bad he was treating me, no matter what i said about him, about our relationship, he has never once said anything bad about me.

i suddenly feel disgustingly selfish. its good that the line has been drawn finally, because the rabbit had this inexplicable effect on me, which turns me into this crazy-assed neurotic freak.

i honestly cannot stand people who are totally full of themselves, like those shit-ass friends who call/sms only to tell me about their this and thats, and that's what i become with him. everything became about me, how i was being neglected, or ignored, how my needs were not being met. he never told me how he felt, and i never bothered to find out.


well, i really hope he can find some semblance of a sense of belonging in his next girlfriend. and i hope he settles for real.

you cant really stop expecting, but you'd have to come to a compromise. ^^

i shall go paint my nails. maybe green.

and then watch lost. season 4 (i think), and i completely hope that john locke the si botak dies off.

sleep queen.

the time is 9.30pm and i just woke up.. i officially broke my own record by sleeping 15.5 hours straight.. all hail the new sleeping queen. ^^

damn happy now, although i'm feeling a tad hungry, and i've not touched the euro history test which is on wednesday.. shall not let the gloominess affect me while i source for food/supper.

heh heh.


and et says that because whatever we try to suppress comes bouncing up doubly strong, we're actually preoccupied in lies and secrecies.. which is maybe why i've always wanted to be some mistress, like a forbidden temptation.

oh well, i'm going to go cook my dinner.

親愛的,那不是愛情

i cant get that song out of my head..

你說過牽了手就算約定
但親愛的那並不是愛情
就像來不及許願的流星
再怎麼美麗也只能是曾經

太美的承諾因為太年輕
但親愛的那並不是愛情
就像是精靈住錯了森林
那愛情錯的很透明

--------------------------

happy birthday babe. hope your day was not totally marred by all the impending assignments.


what doesnt kill me makes me stronger. no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning myself. pain is good. pain is empowering. and i shall hurt for one more day because tomorrow morning, i am going to attempt to pitch the idea of a tattoo to my mama. i want something at the back of my left shoulder. maybe a diamond, or a dove, because doves are fucking cute birds. and ah fang wants a dragon. sibeh man, that woman.

and for the first time in months, i have club feel. i fucking feel like clubbing. sibeh ridiculous me.

hurt

i'm simply not as good as you want me to be.




Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you
But I know you won't be there

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you


Somedays I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I want to do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself

If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away

Oh, it's dangerous
It's so I'm afraid to try to turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself

By hurting you


fuck. i'm such a drama queen. my poor touchpad.

14 months.

14 months and i have no pictures to show you how supposedly happy i am. not surprising considering the status of my relationship with ray. he has himself admitted that he's boyfriend material, not husband material.

still, i'm thankful for the love, the care and the patience he's been showering on me. i know i'm incredibly hard to handle, it must be terribly difficult for him at times. i just dont understand why, if i can tell myself that ray is doing everything in his capacity to make me happy, that i still fail to superimpose a smile on my face.

i guess i'm really difficult.


happy 14 months, baby. i really hope things could move a little. if not for the better, than at least we'd know better than to continue wasting our efforts.

if being nice to me is the only thing that sustains the relationship, then perhaps there really isnt a point in keeping it going. its ridiculous when i get pissed off at you, for the simplest reasons.

post-graduation

as per ah fang's suggestion, i went to send out resumes on jobstreet. and guess what? i gave up after sending one. the big bag of job brochures and whatever else which i got back from the job fair from damn long ago is still sitting nicely on the table. the way it sat when i first lugged that big bag of rubbish home. i should really get down to sieving what i want to do, what i can do, and what i shall do.

weiming says there's another sia interview at the end of the month.

but ah bi is not your smiley nicey flight attendant kind. hais..


babe and i have sort of postponed our trip to hk till july. shall continue working in sgpools in the meantime. while keeping a lookout on the job offers outside. i better stop making so much plans. who knows if i might fail my last sem and end up doing a 3.5, like the rabbit.

*choy*

bloody hell

knn.. its supposed to be like now..

my love-hate relationship with the monthly lament. its really the wait that kills me. cant it just fucking come and fucking go?

oh oh!! rabbit has cleared the first item off my birthday wishlist already. heh heh. someone please just buy me a holga camera. a pink one that has the stupid colour flash thingy. or buy me my eternal sunshine dvd.

i know know, its another month and a half to my birthday. besides, i should really be worrying about ah fang's, which is like in 5 days' time. tsk.


sekarang sudah jam lima pagi!! saya harus tidur! karena nanti saya ada bekerja.. saya tidak senang bekerja. tetapi saya senang sekali uang. jadi, saya mau pergi ke hong kong dengan teman teman sesudah ujian.

ah fang, kami tidak bisa anyhow spend uang.. tetapi 'rambut di sana' harus cepat-cepat 'buang'! sudah cukup, banyak sekali! kapan anda mau pergi? pergi ke mana?

*i should get some sleep. i think i'm going crazy. lol..

E T A O I N S H R D L C U M W F G Y P B V K J X Q Z

E T A O I N S H R D L C U M W F G Y P B V K J X Q Z


if they take away your sense of sight, you are blessed with finer hearing.

when you losing your aural faculty, you see clearer.

but what happens when they take away the control of all the voluntary muscles in your entire body? do you think better? and what if you think do? what if your imagination runs wider? what if your thoughts stream smoother? what if your dreams play more vividly? what if your feelings are more acute? what do you do? what can you do?

what happens when you go into this pseudocoma? when you are trapped within your consciousness? capable of hearing, of seeing, of feeling, of thinking, yet without that ability to express yourself?


diving bell and the butterfly is this poignant description of a completely unimaginable existence.

a sinking air chamber.

a fluttering and free-roaming beauty.

this is a story, where each word took 2 minutes to form. this is a story weaved from 200,000 blinks of certain left eye.


E T A O I N S H R D L C U M W F G Y P B V K J X Q Z

sleepless night.

i think working late shift is really screwing up my body clock. i havent been getting my 10 hours of sleep a night in the past 3 days, and i'm still awake at this birds-dont-lay-egg-dogs-climb-tree time. i've all but failed to induce sleep, even a teeny weeny hint of sleepiness in me.

and you should think i'm trying to do my european simulation research, which is in 2 days' time. and the long-overdue meeting is finally scheduled for tomorrow, during my ta lesson, no less. but thankfully ibu susan has agreed to let me attend ah fang's 6pm class. and she actually replied my email in bahasa. i should have asked in bahasa likewise. shall keep that in mind if i need to email another bahasa tutor in future.

speaking of bahasa, my oral buddy has yet to call me. i should have gotten her number when she asked for mine. its a bad habit. i never ask for people's number in return, when they ask mine.


i know, oral buddy sounds wrong.

*sigh* i think rabbit and i might be dreaming about the same person tonight.

oh well, at least my long-awaited pay from the cck-sbt-nbk-pj-scg place is finally coming in. i'm so going to make an appointment at honeypot.

was going to suggest going qian hu for ah fang's birthday. but it sounds a little boring, compared to our haw par villa trip last year. maybe we should go to the botanic gardens. (which is like more boring.) you really should know that your friend who disappears in the middle of msn conversations is not of much help when it comes to gift ideas. blah..

this recently singled friend of mine has just smsed to tell me he would be calling me later, or tomorrow, if i have fallen asleep. i feel somewhat inclined to try waiting up. since he's been calling for days, and i've been failing to pick up for days. he's that same friend who threatened to throw me into the sea a long time ago when i admitted that i couldnt swim.

i still cant. and i dont intend to learn. but i do wanna roller blade. i'm so going to just go and buy a pair of blades and force myself to learn. even if its sliding back and forth the fish tank and my brother's bedroom (and thereby scratching the floor and having my mother scream at me).

am waiting for the brother, who made me lie to the mother because he should be home already and he's not, and who said he is going to get me drinks when he comes home.


and i suddenly have this huge-ass mahjong feel, after abstaining for like 6 months (conveniently forgetting the time i played with ray's sis during cny). my entire resolution seem to be breaking apart. hopefully i'll still be graduating this semester. which reminds me, i have yet to order the robe. shall get it done tomorrow, because the thing fails to load on my lappie.

am going to start watching my bleach episodes again, from where i left them a year ago.