i'm fine.

its a bit ridiculous, because if you happened to meet me, i'm really quite lively.

i'm definitely still upset that the asshole, who's promised to not walk away from me, still did ultimately. i'm definitely upset because it made me feel totally useless; its simply beyond my means to change him, no matter how hard i tried.

the ikan bilis flower said that i was rather indifferent to the whole situation. i seem to be under-reacting. why did i not ask him to stay when he told me he'd be leaving for good? he might have, had i asked. i think i did, i cant remember. i know i did, 2 years ago, crying and barely literate, begging for him to stay, to just hug me one last time, and he walked out, without hesitating, without stopping, without looking back; as if he didnt hear what i said, as if he didnt see my tears, as if i didnt exist.

i'm still healing. i dont think it'd take very long for me to heal.

i'll tell you the whole story when you're back, honey. the entire story. ^^


oh, by the way, i really am going to graduate afterall. its not a good news, because it means i'd have to go look for a perm job, so please, send your condolences instead of congratulations. i was honestly hoping i'd fail.

oh oh, of course i know i deserve it. i deserve to have that asshole out of my life, finally. what a load off my shoulders.
and i am acting ke lian. its my forte. maybe if i acted ke lian enough, our sister would let me see his chest hair, hor, ah fang?

lim chieh sern

without knowing it, i've begun to associate your presence with that space at the void deck. and it felt empty walking pass it, seeing that it was unoccupied.

it is the third morning since my 22nd birthday, and i have been utterly devastated. as *you walked out of that door, for the second time this afternoon, my heart skipped a beat. actions trigger memories, and each memory in turn triggers yet another memory. the whole chain of events left me reliving my pain in that one instant. and at that moment, i felt the world closing in on me.

you walking out on me.
you walking out on me.
you walking out on me.

until you snapped me out of it, by hesitating.

you said your presence in my life only served to bring me pain, and more pain. but you also said that we're both creatures that thrive in painful realities, than sugar-coated dreams. i submerged myself in pain, hoping somehow that the pain translates to our happiness in the near future. i placated your demands with the suppression of my needs, hoping somehow that eventually, you'll snap into reality and chase my nightmares away. i waited. i hung myself at every word you said. i lived by the thread which is the tiny evidence of you, in my pathetic life.

and at that moment of hesitation, i saw that you recognized my pain, i saw that you knew the self-destruction that was going on, and it brought me to the realization that everything i've done, everything i was willing do, was a futile attempt at getting you to love me.

i had loved with every ounce of my being, with every molecule of thought, every waking moment. i loved you with everything that made me, me. i loved you like no other, yet this is how my love has ended.


it pains me, seeing the well-wishes that countless others sent me on my birthday.

daddy loves me, even though i have stopped speaking to him since you walked into my life again, because somehow, he disapproves of our being together, because he expressed his concerns about me letting you in, so quickly after i broke up with ray. and it pains me, to know that i defied his wishes and got myself into such mess.

mummy loves me, and she loves you, she's taken up an extra order of our yakult delivery, knowing you'd be here to finish them. and she believes you'll be back. she believes you'll put a smile on her daughter's face. and i let her on, telling her that i'm happy, telling her that you're great. because i didnt want to break her heart, even though my heart is breaking.

didi loves me. he pretends to not see the tears that fall from my eye, and tries in his half-hearted attempt with his nowhere-near funny jokes to make me laugh. and he walks out quietly when me, holding back my tears, bark at him to leave me alone. he doesnt know i'm trying to be happy because it pains me to think my pain makes him sad.

why cant you love me?


i'm sorry honey, i should have let you known the things that happened in the whirlwind, which is my life.

i'm sorry ah fang, i should have heeded your advice and shut the door on him from the beginning.

i love you, limchiehsern, or that atrocity, i have concocted, and to which i convince myself is you. but i cant bring myself to love you anymore. because loving you hurts, and you dont love me enough to kiss my pain away, to hug my fears away, and to fuck that insecurity away.


was i alice? was i fay? i wish i could be fay. happy, free, without a care in the world. i wish i could be fay, to walk you through that obstacle that is you. i wish i could be alice. strong, smart and resilient. but now i know, i am neither. i am just me, in my fucked up concept, within my fucked up life.

i need to stay focus. i need to be true to my feelings. i need to feel whatever it is that i'm feeling now, even if it hurts. because i dont want to end up like you, who can no longer feel. because i dont want to bury my sadness, and let it become some land-mine in future.

i love you, limchiehsern. and its okay if you dont love me. i'm already trying to let you go. love begets hate, and i dont want to hate you, so i'm choosing to let you go, however long it takes me, however trying it is.

thank you.

many thanks to the many people who sent their well wishes on my 22nd, and that one person who brought me the most tormenting misery.

its okay. i've learnt my lesson. so this is what it feels like to be heartbroken. to feel despair. to be one step away from death. on the morning of my 22nd birthday, i realize how it must have felt for the people at that exact moment before they take their lives. it scared the hell out of me.

i'm crazy. i'm ridiculous. i'm neurotic. but i deserve better than you, and the nonsense that is you.

tomorrow will be a better day, i promise. it will be my greatest gift to myself.


will post my cable car picture and that failed attempt to get a full-length picture when i am in a better mood. feeling like shite now. :(

oh. i'm really a drama queen, so you probably need to dilute my nonsense. i'm really not as devastated as my words make me seem.

post-clubbing

went to mos the other day, on a whim, so as to utilise my free passes. ^^

was there with *flower, judy, and weiming, who taught us this..



the international loser sign. 'no matter which angle, its still an 'L'. its a 3-dimensional loser..'

*flower seems pretty happy posing with the international loser sign. hehe. ah far~~~



for the first time, my make up has not cui-ed at the end of clubbing. heh. ^^

that woman has aroused the chiongster in me. i wanna club!!

ue champs.

ah fang was saying..

become 老鼠屎 already.


heh, fortunately there were bigger rat shits on the other side. ^^


mr jj chen likened the penalties to having an orgasm. and i quote,

'it felt so much like an orgasm!! like gonna climax then when ronaldo missed..gonna die down..then suddenly when terry tio tiang!! WOOHOO!! then turn on again.. i knew i was cursing terry.. then when all the man u players subsequently stood up i was so high hope they score.. and curse the chelsea players..'

yes, that's mr jj chen, who has a paper this afternoon and another one tomorrow.. and who can barely contain that gaiety, much less revise for the impending papers. i think we're seeing a take-out here. maybe 2.

the said mr jj chen has gone off to bed, in an attempt to relive that orgasm in his dreams. -_-"


my personalised mac delivery is taking a long time, and i'm getting tired. before i go wandering off into dreamland though,

man u won!! ^^

random #9

i'm listening to that irritating drone of the pizza hut delivery hotline while i'm typing away now.. there's this ridiculous countdown that informs me of the expected time to when the next available staff will attend to me. its fucking irritating, but oh well, considering that i'm still waiting, i guess its good marketing strategy.

okie, my pizza is arriving in 30 minutes. ^^


so i've been thinking, while on my treacherous, near-futile attempt at falling asleep, when does the last vestige of consciousness leave you? and what exactly is that? what is the last thought on your mind at the precise moment before you wander into the land of jay chous and bonobos frolicking on the beach.

anyways, i'm completely not in the blogging mood now.

part 1




part 2




part 3




part 4




part 5

random #8

i like my new shampoo. it smells sweet, and i am sweet. i've been thinking about it for days now, what exactly does the smell remind me of, and last night, while i was pretending to fall asleep, the rabbit asked me where the winter melon smell that he's smelling is coming from.

so yes, my new shampoo smells like winter melon. and i like it.


and by the way, i've just come across the greatest discovery of my year, that rabbits are not the most sexually active animal. bonobos are. ^^

besides, rabbit dont do it for gratification. they dont fuck. they procreate. bonobos, on the other hand. bonobos.. well, if you read that section of the article on wikipedia, you'd know. which is why, in that case, i have ceased to want to become a rabbit in my next life. being a bonobo seems so much fulfilling. and which is also why the rabbit is henceforth, an inaptly anointed nickname.

i'm fascinated. i'm completely bowed over by bonobos and their sexual appetite.


oh, and new shoes!! ^^



i love the white. i really like the white. they look like mittens. so cute. rabbit chooses well. most of the time he does, like when he chose me a long time ago. i dont know what happened to his later choices though. and his earlier choices too, for that matter. muahaha

i'm so going to get flowers and i'm going to pin it on our crocs. ^^

that time of the month.

its the time of the month when all the negativity gets magnified.

and there's no one to hug, or to scream at.
and my boobs are not swelling.
and i have massive desserts, snacks, ice cream cravings.
and i'm cramming.


damn it. i hate my life. it sucks.

cristiano ronaldo

i was telling ah fang that if man utd were to lift the cup (which they did), i'd post her hamsumboy's pictures on my blog. actually, i said i'd change my blogskin to that theme, but i'm lazy and my mcgriddles will be arriving any minute. i super love the mcgriddles. the trick is to eat the beef patty and the hotcake buns separately. ^^

but ya, here's to the woman with the ugliest couple bag with me.








^^

post exam

i'm quite pissed off because i desperately want to clear my table of the amassing mess, which is an indication that i did revise rather diligently, for the exams. and as much as i would love to chuck the entire heap of notes into the rubbish chute, the rational side of me is arguing that i should at least wait till i get my results, and confirm that i'm graduating. (lest i have to repeat, and i decide to retake that module, you know.)

so yes, i've had my last paper this evening. and i'm supremely not in the mood to celebrate because that unsightly pile of papers turn me off tremendously. i've all but put the texts into the textbook cupboard, where i would no doubt keep them for a few years (because they're expensive and i dont really want to throw them away just yet) and then decide to sell them to the garang guni for whatever is left of their worth.

i'm not experiencing that post-exam elation, like i've always had every semester. maybe because i didnt really get into much of an exam mood in the first place. muahaha. i completely feel like whipping out my ds to play while waiting for each paper to begin, and the only thing that kept me from doing it was a rational fear of being stoned to death by all those people who were frantically looking through their notes.

honestly, as much as i am a last minute reviser, i dont really believe it makes much of a difference reading 5 minutes before the thing starts. you're probably too paranoid to remember anything correctly. fuck the recency effect. it failed on me, apparently.

and all i looked forward to was the completion of each paper before the 1 hr 45 min mark, whereupon you are not allowed to leave the exam venue anymore. this semester, my hopefully last semester, i left early for all my papers. ^^


i'm now exceptionally irritated by the mention of my birthday, which is 3-fucking-weeks away. like what's the fucking big deal? birthdays are, to me, an excuse to be legitimately showered with gifts, thats all. like i'm interested in planning on how to fucking receive my birthday presents.

such an ungrateful minx, i am. well, you dont have to get me presents. i cant even think of anything that i really want anyways, because like i've said a million times over, if i want something bad enough, i will get it. oh, yes, sky dining with the women woman and see if the girl can come for the kid's set.

i think i'll change my mind when the actual day nears. but then again, maybe not. last year, all i wanted was to spend it with ray. this year, i might just sleep through it, what with being boyfriend-less and all.

speaking of which, my ferris-wheel-fearing mother (i'm going to keep calling her that, until she reimburses my $400) refuses to let me put the mattress, the pillow, and the bolster back to where they came from, because she thinks the rabbit will be back soon. its irritating me to no end, because they deprive me of the comforts of sitting while blow-drying my hair.

i suddenly feel very poor, when i think about the $170++ fish spa package, which i think i'll have to get for mothers' day. was planning on spending $100ish since i originally intended on bringing only my ferris-wheel-fearing mother and grandmother. but that ferris-wheel-fearing woman made me ask kai ma too. not that i dont want to ask, but i'm really quite broke already.

and i still want to get a digicam before the hk trip in july. :(

before that though, i'm definitely going to get my ass up to genting. i cant take the freaking scorching weather anymore. keep getting that ridiculous heat rash, which is probably why i'm not sleeping properly. its disgusting waking up to realizing that you've been scratching your thighs and that they're almost bleeding already.

i hate the weather. i hate the stickiness and the humidity. and i love my new specs. thanks, rabbit.

morbidity

you know, i've been depressed for a long time, and i've been masking that depression for an even longer time. i've always had suicidal thoughts, and i've always wanted to know how it would be like if i just died. is there an afterlife? i hope i could just melt away into nothingness. dissolve into the walls, evaporate into the air that you breathe in.

i had morbid conversations with my friends, discussing about the best ways to die. sometimes, those conversations took place out of sheer curiosity, other times, i was really trying to sieve out the most pain-less, fuss-free and prettiest way to go about dying. fortunately for the narcissistic me and with my incredibly low threshold for pain, every other conceivable method failed my scrutinizing inspection.

and then i met ray, who gave me a reason to love myself. simply because he loved me. and it hurt him to love me. it pained him to love me. and it saddened him to love me. i became a burden by hurting myself, by indulging in my fabricated, pessimistic ruminations.

i tried to shove him away, because i was convinced, he, like everyone else, will eventually leave me. i would attempt to test his limits, and yet hold back at the very last minute, hesitating because i needed him more than anything else, and i didnt dare carry out my fanciful plans, which at the back of my sick little head, i was sure would empty him of that love he had for me. and every attempt stabbed at me more than i had intended to impale him.

and then i got carried away, and i lost hold of myself. i became complacent, i took him for granted.

i've always been aware of the destructive prowess of my imagination. i've always wanted to become better. i've always wanted to change. et says that humans are driven by this self-enhancing bias, and we desire to see ourselves, as growing, maturing and improving. and yet at every single point in out lives, we think the best of ourselves. i thought i grew, i thought i matured, i thought i improved. but every setback that i encounter regresses me back to that incapacitated mess.

ray gave me the determination to become better, once and for all. he loved me like no other, and yet all i did was pain him, by hurting myself. and we broke up, to become better people.

i want to start loving myself. and loving the things and people around me. i want to love the imperfections of my life, like the mess that is my room, because it is humane, and it reeks of me. i want to love the sadness since i cant dispel them and because they make me who i am. i want to love the chores that i should be doing, those which i havent been, because i've been loved for so long, and i should give some loving back. (i think i'll take that back. fancy me, who rarely ever make my own bed doing chores.)

and i want to love you, because you love me, even though you dont love me.

really, what doesnt kill me makes me stronger, and i dont think anything is potent enough to drive me into my grave. if it could, it should already have. i still believe i'm dispensable, but then, so is everyone else. ^^

random #7

woman, this year, we shall conquer greater heights. ^^




i hope they dont make me wait as long as this did, because i swear my bladder will burst from the anticipation. -_-"


and i like how the picture looks 'normal' from this angle, and then you realise that its rotated by looking at the roof of that building there. and the correct orientation looks damn scary, btw.

oh well, been there, done that. muahaha.

i think i'd better go do all those reckless, ridiculous things by year end, 人越大越没胆.. i might just morph into my mother and adopt her fear of mini ferris wheels next year. or i might do a kes, and instruct you to not move inside the cable car. lol..


very holiday mood now, possibly due to having paid for the air fare to hk. and the fact that the above-mentioned ferris-wheel-fearing mother, refused to reimburse me. (which is why i'm spilling on her beans right now.) i know i have one more paper to go, and i've only revised like 20% of it, and its like 7am already, which incidentally means its time to sleep.

i havent mentioned that i've been having trouble sleeping for the past week, have i? oh well, been sleeping an average of 6 hours a day for a few days already (i miss my 12 hours of sleep, daily!).

i would like to think it has nothing to do with the breakup with ray. but the timeliness of my insomniac tendency seems to severely undermine that possibility. i dont think i miss him that much as to warrant this erratic sleeping behavior, yet there seems to be no other explanation for this unexpected occurrence.

then again, it might be due to my mother and her incessant quizzing on why she has not been seeing this particular person the past few days, and i have no idea how to tell her, that it ended before it even begun. its quite ridiculous, really. i'll just leave things as they are, and put the mattress, pillow and bolster back to where they were kept the past year and a half.

hopefully, her curiosity will just die down. i hope you're happy now. *shakes head in tremendous disapproval*

my bag.

ah fang, neh, you see!!

i'm going to get it.. i'm going to get it..

cheena #1

夜深人静，一个人呆坐在房里，愕然觉得自己似乎很渺小。。。
世界无其大，少了一个这么样的我，应该也没什么大不了的吧。

这几个夜里，翻来覆去的，一直很难入睡。也没什么特别的原因，就是睡不着。。。
即使睡了，也会不由自主的醒过来。
每次醒来都会不经的觉得很失落。一个人的感觉很奇怪。
可是我却开始渐渐的喜欢这样的自由，渐渐的试着珍惜一个人的时光。

自己一个人，呆看天花板，也能是一种享受。

random #6

so its barely 12 hours and here i am, blogging again. in case you're not smart enough to realize, that fake hiatus entry is but a ruse to get you to stop clicking on my blog. apparently, i failed. seems like i'm too interesting for you to risk not reading. you must like me very much. oh well, seeing as i'm such a nice person, its not hard to envisage your predilection towards prettyme.

truth be told, its more like i'm blogging in such an obscene velocity that you havent had the chance to even see that i was planning to move into the shadows, which is the monotony i now call my life. but i guess it wouldnt do you very much harm to allow prettyme a moment to indulge in my own reverie. one in which the whole fucking world falls to my feet.

reality check. i've ugly feet.

for the betterment of my impending hong kong trip, i've decided to not buy that pink-striped ralph lauren large tote. and that's despite lusting over it for weeks. :( and its barely a fraction of the retail price on auctions. i'm regretting my words already. damn, shall not dwell on the lost bargain any longer than i am doing now.

and no, i've not satisfied my dessert craving yet. i can almost visualize the mango pudding, gui ling gao and dun dan beckoning me to their lair. shit, who wants to go to bugis with me?! my treat!

i suddenly feel old. and i'm suddenly reminded of that chat with grace, which brought me to the startling realization that its been 10 years since we graduated from primary school. and that incidentally meant that its been it was 10 years since i last visited a dentist. which was why i went to see one, on a whim, after my wednesday paper. i have beautiful teeth now. ^^

still yellowish, but prettier than its been in a long time. i'm going to whiten them soon. ^^

shucks, i just reminded myself that i'm not supposed to take cold food. so i cant really have desserts afterall. and no, i dont want to eat hot cheng tng, which is a completely ah pek food.

my package from yesasia arrived the other day, and i've watched two of the four shows already. i completely adore 野玫瑰之恋.. freaking nice. babe and i have been talking about how wonderful it would have been to have been borne in that era, where my double chin seems to be some ridiculous standard of beauty, and they're not really concerned with bulging tummies.

i hate our anorexic society, my penchant for sweets and that sinful indulgence in chocolate. i should just eat. until i grow out of my clothes, that is.

i have 2 lollipops in my freezer, and they gross me out, and if you'd watched sex is zero 2, it would gross you out too. i shall go finish them, so they wont gross me out any further.

till then. *waving my flabby arms in your face*

desserts

it is 3 hours since my last post, and i'm blogging now because i have massive desserts craving. nbcb

hiatus

i'm not going to blog for quite some time. i've got no motivation and inspiration to do so. and even if i do, every entry that i post up will mysteriously get taken down a few hours later if i kua yi buey song kybs, which i know i will. i'm suddenly reminded of tianle's ridiculous abbreviations. like anyone else knows what klkk stands for. (fyi, its kia lai kia kir. -_-" )

the life i'm leading now epitomizes monotony to such an extent that i reject your proclamation of tedium, for you will never fully appreciate the totality of boredom until you are in my shoes.

that, my friend, is how fucking bored i am. and trust me, you dont want to spend 16 hours lying in bed, fleeting between wakefulness, drowsiness and dreaminess.

the only interesting thing that is transpiring now, is me, circling that orgasmic spot on my bolster. and i've got to stop doing that soon, too, because that said spot is turning slightly blackish, and is beginning to smell funny.

till then, i shall see you in my reverie. if i do enter my reverie, that is. then again, maybe not. why would i want to be meeting you when i have jay chou and jam xiao and ashton kutcher and takeshi kaneshiro and ah fang's nacho libre to choose from.

oh well, till when i next feel like blogging again, which may jolly well be in an hours' time.