without knowing it, i've begun to associate your presence with that space at the void deck. and it felt empty walking pass it, seeing that it was unoccupied.
it is the third morning since my 22nd birthday, and i have been utterly devastated. as *you walked out of that door, for the second time this afternoon, my heart skipped a beat. actions trigger memories, and each memory in turn triggers yet another memory. the whole chain of events left me reliving my pain in that one instant. and at that moment, i felt the world closing in on me.
you walking out on me.
you walking out on me.
you walking out on me.
until you snapped me out of it, by hesitating.
you said your presence in my life only served to bring me pain, and more pain. but you also said that we're both creatures that thrive in painful realities, than sugar-coated dreams. i submerged myself in pain, hoping somehow that the pain translates to our happiness in the near future. i placated your demands with the suppression of my needs, hoping somehow that eventually, you'll snap into reality and chase my nightmares away. i waited. i hung myself at every word you said. i lived by the thread which is the tiny evidence of you, in my pathetic life.
and at that moment of hesitation, i saw that you recognized my pain, i saw that you knew the self-destruction that was going on, and it brought me to the realization that everything i've done, everything i was willing do, was a futile attempt at getting you to love me.
i had loved with every ounce of my being, with every molecule of thought, every waking moment. i loved you with everything that made me, me. i loved you like no other, yet this is how my love has ended.
it pains me, seeing the well-wishes that countless others sent me on my birthday.
daddy loves me, even though i have stopped speaking to him since you walked into my life again, because somehow, he disapproves of our being together, because he expressed his concerns about me letting you in, so quickly after i broke up with ray. and it pains me, to know that i defied his wishes and got myself into such mess.
mummy loves me, and she loves you, she's taken up an extra order of our yakult delivery, knowing you'd be here to finish them. and she believes you'll be back. she believes you'll put a smile on her daughter's face. and i let her on, telling her that i'm happy, telling her that you're great. because i didnt want to break her heart, even though my heart is breaking.
didi loves me. he pretends to not see the tears that fall from my eye, and tries in his half-hearted attempt with his nowhere-near funny jokes to make me laugh. and he walks out quietly when me, holding back my tears, bark at him to leave me alone. he doesnt know i'm trying to be happy because it pains me to think my pain makes him sad.
why cant you love me?
i'm sorry honey, i should have let you known the things that happened in the whirlwind, which is my life.
i'm sorry ah fang, i should have heeded your advice and shut the door on him from the beginning.
i love you, limchiehsern, or that atrocity, i have concocted, and to which i convince myself is you. but i cant bring myself to love you anymore. because loving you hurts, and you dont love me enough to kiss my pain away, to hug my fears away, and to fuck that insecurity away.
was i alice? was i fay? i wish i could be fay. happy, free, without a care in the world. i wish i could be fay, to walk you through that obstacle that is you. i wish i could be alice. strong, smart and resilient. but now i know, i am neither. i am just me, in my fucked up concept, within my fucked up life.
i need to stay focus. i need to be true to my feelings. i need to feel whatever it is that i'm feeling now, even if it hurts. because i dont want to end up like you, who can no longer feel. because i dont want to bury my sadness, and let it become some land-mine in future.
i love you, limchiehsern. and its okay if you dont love me. i'm already trying to let you go. love begets hate, and i dont want to hate you, so i'm choosing to let you go, however long it takes me, however trying it is.
