yes. i am, he is, we are

yes.. i am; he is; we are. ^^




i like this second picture more, even though its blurry, because its more representative of the boyfriend's 招牌动作.. heh! i'm slowly, unknowingly and irritatingly picking it up and ah huat thinks we'd eventually end up communicating with our eyebrows.

speaking of eyebrows, its not obvious in the pictures, but i went to pluck them, finally. i completely look like a super lao aunty ah lian. its damn freaking gross, and there are pimples all over the area. i miss my eyebrows. :(

ah huat, you're still #1..

“阿碧，你完了！”

i've been hearing that alot these days. and today, i finally snapped. i didnt understand why you couldnt see that i wasnt affected by the things that they were speculating on, and that what mattered to me, was you, and your take on the whole thing.

for the bulk of my life, i just went along with the tide, not really knowing what i wanted, whether i wanted it, or how things would turn out. i've been crashing with the waves most of my life, and its really not hard to see why i'm feeling confused now. i'm trying to decide. i'm trying to see. i'm trying to argue with myself. i'm rationalizing my thoughts, accounting for my feelings. and its incredibly hard.

i snapped because i was sick and tired of the whole episode. cant you see that on top of my confusion, on top of having to digest all the things that i've managed to absorb into my system, on top of having to deal with every freaking thing, i'm really trying to make you happy? to gain some form of acceptance? to let you know that your views matter to me?

and nothing i did was enough. nothing i said made you happy. nothing appeased your dissatisfaction at the situation. and you got worked up at them, when me, being the center of it all, was trying my best to keep up a cool front, despite being obviously extremely at a loss for words. what exactly do you want me to do? i like him, i really do. i dont know whether its real, but i do!

then i got angry at myself. at my indecisiveness. at my perpetuating confusion. i knew you meant well. i knew the things that you said were valid. i knew you were just concerned about this whole thing being a bubble that is going to burst sooner or later. i know.

好感，是有的。
好感，越来越强。
好感，不足以 substantiate 一场恋爱。
好感，却是不可否认的。

i wish that fondness can just stop now. but it keeps growing, and it keeps growing.

我真的有越来越喜欢他。
我真的有越来越想试者接受。

我真的累了。

what do i want? what does he want? what do you want? what do they want? what does everybody want?
we all just want to be happy. i really just want to be happy.

i'm tired. of looking for something, whose existence i deny. of waiting for the feeling i dont dare to feel. of wanting something, i'm afraid to know i want.

i want to be happy. but i cant be happy if you're not happy for me too.

我不是一个重色轻友的人。以前是，现在不是了。

i'm just totally, ridiculously, devastatingly upset. i've never been this upset before. and i've never experienced this completely lost feeling ever. i wish i could just evaporate. :(

of pigs and balls. pt2

let's see.. the whole dissension is basically about me being the new target for the diversion of his attention. and i'm not getting it because, firstly, i really do believe when he said that he's moving on for little over a month now, that it didnt just jump from her to me (its definitely not as much as he says, and not as short as widely believed), and secondly, who's to say nothing might come out from a 'diversion'.

every freaking relationship that i started was, afterall, in some ways, a diversion from the previous. like how ray took away the monotony from being with weiming, like how weiming introduced the simplicity which lcs lacked, like how lcs provided the spark which had been missing in jaysen. and so on and so forth.

its a little complicated now, because i'm really starting to love myself more, i'm really starting to let the self-awareness sink in. and ah huat thinks i might just happily let someone else do the loving me part for me, which was how i had always been for years, and it made me completely pathetic. i dont like that, really.

its even more complicated because the people who i've talked to, sought out about it seem to really think i just happen to be within grasp, and anyone could have done too. (okay, they didnt explicitly say that, but you do get the idea.) i'm just this easily attainable new target, which honestly, affects me a little.

i know, i know, i know. if i never try, i wouldnt know. if i dont water it, it obviously wouldnt blossom into anything more than the burgeoning germination it is now. but you know, its really rather depressing if my hopes for a flower turns into some bean-sprout or something.. i really hate tau geys. and i super like easter lilies. until ah huat, that jian nu ren started calling me lily. and raymond tan that idiot promised to get me lilies too!

i'm digressing. but ya, the fact that of a part of our social circle overlaps is proving to be a cause for concern. i dont want to be ostracized the way she kinda is.

ah huat is rather hoping someone tall, dark and handsome come sweep me off my feet. my taste in men is a little skewed sometimes, and she's proving to be some kind of qc in my choice for a bf.

aiya. many many things to think about. this shall be something that i will walk into (if i do), after careful consideration. i've been rushing into things too often for my own good. this is going to be a change. and by the looks of how things are going, they still look rather promising. ^^

after all, it is nice to have someone to miss and to think of when i cant sleep at night.

random #15

i want to be a lesbian. neh nehs are nicer to grab than balls, no?

slightly pissed because i'm wearing my pink panties, but i cant find the pink bra.

had a little dance with my refrigerator because i couldnt decide whether or not to have the ice cream. ended up not finishing the thingy because i was too bloated from my half bowl of fried rice.

shall go cycling next monday. and get my eyebrows shaped. go steaming. maybe get waxed and clear my table next week too. the mess is piling and i'm getting upset looking at it. need to throw out the huge desk too. taking up too much space.

maybe i should clear out my entire stash of heels. now that i've broken up with my 1.87~1.88 ex bf, i dont think i'll ever get to wear that 4 inch wedge, which makes me 1.8, again.

i cant find my hoola hoop.

am going to change out of my pink panties. i want to wear matching lingerie today.

i'm ridiculous.

random #14

it is that time of the month, when i cant seem to find the right clothes.
it is that time of the month, when my tummy is bloated, and my boobs are inflated.
it is that time of the month, when lady luck shies away from me.
it is that time of the month, when i have to time my toilet visits.
it is that time of the month, when my fart smells smelliest.
it is that time of the month, when i feel lousiest, shittiest, loneliest.

if i said i miss you, would you know i was referring to you?

i think this is the longest i've stayed unattached since eons ago, and although i'm kind of enjoying this new found freedom, it unsettles me a little. i just wish i had someone to whine to, someone to hug, and someone to pout my lips at.


i wonder if i should be worried about getting a job. i've honestly no idea what i want to do now that i've graduated. mummy has been asking if i'm going to go try out for the SIA interview. its irritating me to no end, because i dont want to step foot into a bottomless pit, which is what i have deemed that to be. these days, i'm happy enough to tell people i'm bumming around, which is bad, because it seems i'm regressing back to being that 游手好闲 lazy bum.

hais.. i want a boyfriend.
one who'd sing to me in his off-key voice when i'm upset.
one who'd wear my nighties and pose to make me smile.
one who'd record silly messages in recordable bears.
one who'd hug me in the middle of the night.

i miss you.

random #13

i've got 15 minutes. -_-"

completely hate my freaking tendency to wake up at every freaking sms that comes in when i'm freaking sleeping. and considering that my freaking sleeping hours these days heavily coincide with almost everybody else's freaking waking hours, the freaking frequency that i am freaking woken up by freaking smses is freaking insanely high.

unless you think your freaking little message is going to add value to my freaking pathetic life, you shouldnt really be freaking messaging me at all. oh.. unless i call you ah huat. or chicken nugget. or whatever freaking irritating name that i suddenly call you by.

ah huat was still wondering if she's going to have a hard time waking me up. its not, really. the hard thing is getting me out of bed. but considering that i'm not bringing my bolster along, i dont think i'll roll around for half an hour. maybe 10 minutes.


and i'm still deciding whether to get the canon ixus80 or the samsung i8 (which is more matchy with my mac, and i've decided to be a mac user for life!). going to go look look see see if its available during the PC show this weekend. i think i'll end up getting the samsung. hehe. ^^

oh oh. and i'm super excited too because its coming!!. i'm so excited, i'm like rambling to anyone who would hear me about it. ah huat says i'm going crazy. i think she's secretly going crazy in her little mind too..

gotta go already. freaking zombie-ish now. i cant believe that while everybody else is staying up for the euro, i stayed up to watch narnia, because we're going to watch the part2 later on. i wanna watch kungfu panda!! damn..

random #12

i've been having this crazy infatuation with chinese the last couple of days, like replying in chinese on msn and attempting to blog in chinese. and the thing is, it wasnt on purpose, like i'd keep having the '这句话一定要用华语来讲，汉语拼音好像也不可以。' i'm glad to say, though, that the phase has finally come to an end, and my thoughts are once again streaming in english. ^^

seeing as there has been a dearth of blog entries since i had my chinese-infatuation, you'd be right to guess that i'd mostly given up halfway through. rather, i gave up 2 sentences into it.

and for the sake of the woman with the ugliest couple bag with me, and now, the ugliest couple watch, i shall henceforth, not blog in chinese anymore.

(eh.. the timing is synchronized up to the seconds can?! gross de..)

touched leh.. heh!


am super pissed that the lights are on all over the house, the tv is on, the fan is on, didi's laptop is left to burn and there's nobody there. seriously, if they are so ridiculously stingy back in their place (didi says they'd come into the guest room early in the morning to switch off the air con, even if it wakes you up), i dont see why they cant be a little more considerate in other ppl's place.

sibeh no mood to blog anymore.. grrrrr

脚受伤

quote of the day, tony, "wah! phoebe, 你的脚受伤啊？去哪里包的？还包到这么美！"

-_-"

差一点就气死我了！


he was referring to my gladiator sandals, obviously. 乱乱讲，明明就很美！humph! 不要跟你们好了！

random #11

after lusting after it for MONTHS, i finally buy-ded it. happy happy. bought the white one because ah huat say white more striking. shall wear it to work tomorrow. ^^

hehe.. 抱枕香香, tuti香香, 我香香.. 真开心.. ^^

okok.. sot liao sot liao..

random #10

多愁善感的一位朋友说, listening to sappy love songs makes him upset..

多愁善感的那位朋友怂恿我把msn的display picture换回。


很好看 meh..

多愁善感的那位朋友还逼人赞同他的歌亿。似乎，多愁善感的那位朋友有点怪怪。

另外有一位很久没和我说话的朋友，听说他那天和另一位朋友因为 ‘怪怪和特别’ 起了争执。应该这位朋友比较怪吧！更怪的这位朋友都不和我说话，哪里有chance?! 江鱼仔ah huat，你就别再问了吧！我对有胸毛的姐妹比较有兴趣！还是应该说我是对他的胸毛有兴趣！哈哈！！


生日那天，除了那个混球和他那混球般的祝福，我真的还过得蛮愉快的。

ah cha姐妹，江鱼仔ah huat和她弟，也就是chicken nugget一起唱k真的很high。差一点就把当天录下的片段post上来。应该会对chicken nugget造成心灵上的创伤吧！哈哈！！ （喔～！你是我的花朵。。）竟然唱了那首唱给老人听的《祝寿歌》，我很老meh? 还一共唱了两次 lor！

接着，跟外星人许瑜修和江鱼仔ah huat一起坐了缆车。那两个贱女人一个没把照片email给我，另一个只email了其中的一部分。一个人站在怪怪的地方，摆怪怪的pose, 怎么blog嘛？！


外星人许瑜修和prettyme (怎样，我就觉得自己很美，很聪明，身材很好。无聊路人甲，谁也不准reply她那无聊的tag！)


江鱼仔ah huat和prettyme..

缆车里实在是很热，又暗暗的难拍照。不过和对的人去，还算有趣吧。


哦！还有，这可是我最喜欢的那张照片。


为了让你看清楚点，这张是可以 click 的。嘻嘻！ this is what i call the impressed and the skeptical.. 江鱼仔ah huat那家伙送的礼物还不赖吧！(你赖东东不错嘛！)

突然联想到ah cha姐妹从印度带回来，那个超吊的礼物。嘻嘻！＊害羞＊

ah cha姐妹说我们很无聊，干嘛要给彼此启这么无聊的小名。那天猜对了jonathan的笑话之后，也愕然觉得自己越来越无聊。ah huat说是在我喊她ah fa那天开始的。再这样下去，迟早只有我听得懂自己在说什么吧！

这几天其实都在想，lameness是不是我用来遮盖心痛的面具。我应该很伤心才对吧！可是似乎一天比一天觉得也没什么好伤心的，也没那么爱他嘛。下午突然想念 ’阿部宝‘ 和他的可爱。就有种好像在欺骗自己的感觉。又好像我的心已经把他给封杀掉了。麻木到了另个境界。怪怪的。

刚刚也发现我似乎太容易相信别人。也很容易的把一些不该说的心里话说出来。和我容易喜欢上人应该是一样的道理吧。attention—对我好一点，我就失去了辛苦建起的戒心。好像很傻耶。

哦！对了！你很想知道吧！嘻嘻！我的小名是balachan, 而江鱼仔ah huat那个贱女人拼了命的把我叫成bala。或许我们应该叫外星人kimchi ahmad或者ahdul。 这样就宗族和谐了！ (死了！真的越来越lame..)


就这样吧！拜拜！