“阿碧，你完了！”
i've been hearing that alot these days. and today, i finally snapped. i didnt understand why you couldnt see that i wasnt affected by the things that they were speculating on, and that what mattered to me, was you, and your take on the whole thing.
for the bulk of my life, i just went along with the tide, not really knowing what i wanted, whether i wanted it, or how things would turn out. i've been crashing with the waves most of my life, and its really not hard to see why i'm feeling confused now. i'm trying to decide. i'm trying to see. i'm trying to argue with myself. i'm rationalizing my thoughts, accounting for my feelings. and its incredibly hard.
i snapped because i was sick and tired of the whole episode. cant you see that on top of my confusion, on top of having to digest all the things that i've managed to absorb into my system, on top of having to deal with every freaking thing, i'm really trying to make you happy? to gain some form of acceptance? to let you know that your views matter to me?
and nothing i did was enough. nothing i said made you happy. nothing appeased your dissatisfaction at the situation. and you got worked up at them, when me, being the center of it all, was trying my best to keep up a cool front, despite being obviously extremely at a loss for words. what exactly do you want me to do? i like him, i really do. i dont know whether its real, but i do!
then i got angry at myself. at my indecisiveness. at my perpetuating confusion. i knew you meant well. i knew the things that you said were valid. i knew you were just concerned about this whole thing being a bubble that is going to burst sooner or later. i know.
好感，是有的。
好感，越来越强。
好感，不足以 substantiate 一场恋爱。
好感，却是不可否认的。
i wish that fondness can just stop now. but it keeps growing, and it keeps growing.
我真的有越来越喜欢他。
我真的有越来越想试者接受。
我真的累了。
what do i want? what does he want? what do you want? what do they want? what does everybody want?
we all just want to be happy. i really just want to be happy.
i'm tired. of looking for something, whose existence i deny. of waiting for the feeling i dont dare to feel. of wanting something, i'm afraid to know i want.
i want to be happy. but i cant be happy if you're not happy for me too.
我不是一个重色轻友的人。以前是，现在不是了。
i'm just totally, ridiculously, devastatingly upset. i've never been this upset before. and i've never experienced this completely lost feeling ever. i wish i could just evaporate. :(
