i've been blogging daily for the past 10-odd days. but you dont see them, because i didnt publish them. and earlier, i had to delete an entry that i did publish, because i realised that i was talking in riddles, and its so abstract that not even me can understand what i was saying.
i just want to say, that i'm happy. that cloud of misery is more or less lifting. its really alot easier when you know what you want. it makes things bearable, once you have something to hold on to. something to look forward to. something substantial. something tangible.
but yes, i'm still rather emo these days, the aching feel is definitely still there even though i've seemingly gotten out of that initial awkwardness that plagued me at the beginning. i'm more or less used to seeing him around. that choking sensation that grips me whenever his presence nears me has somewhat subsided.
i made my decision. its not an easy decision for me to make. its something which i've never had to do, and its something i didnt think i'd one day have to do. every now and then, i lose focus, because i'm simply not used to it. but its a decision that i made, and its one i'll adhere to.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
分手 第8天
*hidden entry #7*
the 8th day since breaking up. and i dont feel like detailing my feelings anymore.
its getting confusing. because i've chosen to wait, and its something i've never had to do before. i know i want to wait. but somehow, i seem to be losing focus, losing the initial reason that propelled me to my decision.
why am i waiting?
it doesnt help that ah fang has been constantly reminding me that i deserve better, or that my wait is not being reciprocated. in a sense, my decision to wait has everything, and yet nothing to do with him. i dont expect him to react to it.
someday, i hope to hold that hand again. to smell that smell again. to hug him again. to lie on that boney shoulder again. someday.. that's why i'm waiting. i didnt choose to be sad. i didnt choose to be miserable. but i am, i was, because i love him, and it saddens me that i'm no longer by his side, that my smiles at the end of the day are no longer needed.
i want to wait, because i love him. its confusing, because i dont know why i love him. but i do. and for that, i will wait.
things are somehow looking up and i should be happy, and just continue waiting. at least, we're no longer ignoring each other? at least, we've taken yet another step towards building that friendship?
i wish that you'd know i'm waiting for you. i've removed all those entries that i wrote in the last couple of days because i dont want you to see them. i wish you'd know i'm waiting for you, but then, i hope you dont. i was a burden while we were together, now that we're not anymore, i just want you to go about with your life, as if i never stepped foot into it, and just be happy, as you were.
if one day, you come back, i'd know that you're back for me, because of you.
if one day, you come back, i'd publish all my forgotten entries. i love you, cjj. i really do.
the 8th day since breaking up. and i dont feel like detailing my feelings anymore.
its getting confusing. because i've chosen to wait, and its something i've never had to do before. i know i want to wait. but somehow, i seem to be losing focus, losing the initial reason that propelled me to my decision.
why am i waiting?
it doesnt help that ah fang has been constantly reminding me that i deserve better, or that my wait is not being reciprocated. in a sense, my decision to wait has everything, and yet nothing to do with him. i dont expect him to react to it.
someday, i hope to hold that hand again. to smell that smell again. to hug him again. to lie on that boney shoulder again. someday.. that's why i'm waiting. i didnt choose to be sad. i didnt choose to be miserable. but i am, i was, because i love him, and it saddens me that i'm no longer by his side, that my smiles at the end of the day are no longer needed.
i want to wait, because i love him. its confusing, because i dont know why i love him. but i do. and for that, i will wait.
things are somehow looking up and i should be happy, and just continue waiting. at least, we're no longer ignoring each other? at least, we've taken yet another step towards building that friendship?
i wish that you'd know i'm waiting for you. i've removed all those entries that i wrote in the last couple of days because i dont want you to see them. i wish you'd know i'm waiting for you, but then, i hope you dont. i was a burden while we were together, now that we're not anymore, i just want you to go about with your life, as if i never stepped foot into it, and just be happy, as you were.
if one day, you come back, i'd know that you're back for me, because of you.
if one day, you come back, i'd publish all my forgotten entries. i love you, cjj. i really do.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
分手 第6天
*hidden entry #6*
its the 6th day, and the first words to pass between us were, 'bye', 'bye la.'
i'm beginning to wonder, the actual reason behind my willingness to wait for him. do i really love him? or am i doing it out of this childish recalcitrance. like i'm rebelling against my own inclination towards jumping from one relationship to the next. this time round, i will wait. i want to wait, because i want to break that curse, not because i love him. or not.
pwj asked me the other day, a question she asked him too, why do i want to be in a relationship with him? his answer matched my initial one, that we felt comfortable with each other, and that the level of communication seemed almost unmatched. he made me want to tell him things. he made me want to tell him all those years of shit which i've been trying to hide. but that reason has since gone to naught. it no longer exist once we started being together. i can no longer talk to him. i dont even tell him how i felt on a day to day basis. where is the communication? fucked up communication.
i still miss him. i miss that voice. i miss the laugh. i miss his smell. i miss being near him. i miss hugging him. i miss those kisses. i miss all there is about him.
but why?
its the 6th day, and the first words to pass between us were, 'bye', 'bye la.'
i'm beginning to wonder, the actual reason behind my willingness to wait for him. do i really love him? or am i doing it out of this childish recalcitrance. like i'm rebelling against my own inclination towards jumping from one relationship to the next. this time round, i will wait. i want to wait, because i want to break that curse, not because i love him. or not.
pwj asked me the other day, a question she asked him too, why do i want to be in a relationship with him? his answer matched my initial one, that we felt comfortable with each other, and that the level of communication seemed almost unmatched. he made me want to tell him things. he made me want to tell him all those years of shit which i've been trying to hide. but that reason has since gone to naught. it no longer exist once we started being together. i can no longer talk to him. i dont even tell him how i felt on a day to day basis. where is the communication? fucked up communication.
i still miss him. i miss that voice. i miss the laugh. i miss his smell. i miss being near him. i miss hugging him. i miss those kisses. i miss all there is about him.
but why?
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
分手 第5天
*hidden entry #5*
the fifth day since breaking up, and it would have been 2 months if not for that.
i guess i'm beginning to cope. it feels alot better now that i somehow know what to do next.
i'll wait.
until i no longer have the energy to hold on.
until he moves on without me.
i'll just wait.
if it makes him feel better if i talked to him, i will.
if it would make things better if we talked like we did, i will.
i just hope we could be back to normal again. i miss that smell. i miss the hugs. i even miss the quarrels. its getting ridiculous.
baby, i miss you.
its not even 2 months, why am i doing this for you? for us? for me? do i love you that much? you know, i've already officially rejected 2 people in the last 4 days? (4 if you count those subtle rejections.)
the fifth day since breaking up, and it would have been 2 months if not for that.
i guess i'm beginning to cope. it feels alot better now that i somehow know what to do next.
i'll wait.
until i no longer have the energy to hold on.
until he moves on without me.
i'll just wait.
if it makes him feel better if i talked to him, i will.
if it would make things better if we talked like we did, i will.
i just hope we could be back to normal again. i miss that smell. i miss the hugs. i even miss the quarrels. its getting ridiculous.
baby, i miss you.
its not even 2 months, why am i doing this for you? for us? for me? do i love you that much? you know, i've already officially rejected 2 people in the last 4 days? (4 if you count those subtle rejections.)
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
分手 第4天
*hidden entry #4*
its funny how i've always had that ridiculous misgiving against her, and at times like this, its her help i most appreciate.
it hurts. it fucking hurts to know that you hurt too. i wish there was something i could do. anything.
if you want me to talk to you, i will.
if you want us to be friends again, i can try.
if you want me to stay away, i already am.
just tell me what i can do for you, for us, for me.
i've never really stopped hoping. i've never really dared to hope.
its funny how i've always had that ridiculous misgiving against her, and at times like this, its her help i most appreciate.
it hurts. it fucking hurts to know that you hurt too. i wish there was something i could do. anything.
if you want me to talk to you, i will.
if you want us to be friends again, i can try.
if you want me to stay away, i already am.
just tell me what i can do for you, for us, for me.
i've never really stopped hoping. i've never really dared to hope.
Monday, August 25, 2008
分手 第3天
*hidden entry #3*
the third day and the worst. you cannot imagine how it must have felt to have to hold the umbrella much lower than necessary to hide the tears that were streaming down my face on the way to work.
the third day and the worst. you cannot imagine how it must have felt to have to tell people about the situation like it was all nothing, when deep inside, i was just bursting to tears.
the third day and the worst. you cannot imagine how lost it can be to hear that laugh, knowing that he's happy. feeling happy that he's at least happy, and yet that ridiculous disappointment refuses to budge.
the third day and the worst. i've never had to share a cab home with him. even when i wanted to, it was never to be, and on this third day, this lousy third day, i had to. you simply cannot imagine the icy feeling a few moments before the doors closed. and that burning feeling all the way through.
the third day and the worst. i had to share the lift with this laoya ka zua, who only ventured even more in when i poked it with the tip of my umbrella.. -_-"
心还是很痛。可是因为有你们，我才能顺利到家。
thank you all. its times like these when you know people care for you, when you know you are loved. the scm said, '开始讲话，才算开始疗伤。' but i'm not ready for that yet. the day i start talking to him, will be the day i fully come to terms with the fact that we'll no longer be together anymore.
the third day and the worst. you cannot imagine how it must have felt to have to hold the umbrella much lower than necessary to hide the tears that were streaming down my face on the way to work.
the third day and the worst. you cannot imagine how it must have felt to have to tell people about the situation like it was all nothing, when deep inside, i was just bursting to tears.
the third day and the worst. you cannot imagine how lost it can be to hear that laugh, knowing that he's happy. feeling happy that he's at least happy, and yet that ridiculous disappointment refuses to budge.
the third day and the worst. i've never had to share a cab home with him. even when i wanted to, it was never to be, and on this third day, this lousy third day, i had to. you simply cannot imagine the icy feeling a few moments before the doors closed. and that burning feeling all the way through.
the third day and the worst. i had to share the lift with this laoya ka zua, who only ventured even more in when i poked it with the tip of my umbrella.. -_-"
心还是很痛。可是因为有你们，我才能顺利到家。
thank you all. its times like these when you know people care for you, when you know you are loved. the scm said, '开始讲话，才算开始疗伤。' but i'm not ready for that yet. the day i start talking to him, will be the day i fully come to terms with the fact that we'll no longer be together anymore.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
and i begin to cry.
*hidden entry #2*
its finally set in. the full-blown manifestation of pain has finally come. i'm completely losing my sleep. and its fucking gross. like if i'm awake, i think about him, i miss him and everything there is about him. and when i sleep, i just keep dreaming and dreaming and dreaming about him. 日有所思，夜有所梦。i'm completely appalled by my apparent inability to just move on.
when i close my eyes, i see you. when i stop thinking, i hear your voice. yet when i reach out, you're not there. i cant smell you, i cant feel you. there's simply nothing there. except me, my bolster and the bucket of tears that are consistently streaming. it took 3 days for the tears to materialize, and now that they have, they just keep flowing, keep flowing, keep flowing.
i cry as i go to sleep, aware that its no longer the same anymore.
i cry when i wake up, remembering that its no longer the same anymore.
i cry into my maggie mee, missing the times when i used to pack lunch for us.
i cry when i turn on the tv, because we used to watch tv together at your place.
i cry while bathing, reminiscing how it used to be.
i cry as i get changed for work, knowing i'd see you later.
i cry when open my wardrobe and see that yellow submarine tee.
i cry listening to every freaking song, they all remind me of you.
please tell me that you dont read this anymore. please tell me that you are happy. please dont let it sting you anymore.
and as i'm typing right now, it feels like a thousand tons of concrete blocks are weighing against my chest. its this terrible terrible suffocating feeling that heartaches bring that i hate. its bad enough that i have a perpetual sinus problem, now i have to deal with an additional suffocating feel.
i still cant bring myself to hate you. nor do i think i ever will. i'm blogging because, i simply dont want to escape by deluding myself, by pretending to be okie. by jumping into yet another relationship. you know i can, i know i can too. but somehow, its almost as if i dont want to let you go. not yet. not just yet.
eventually, it'd pass. eventually, i'd move on.
its finally set in. the full-blown manifestation of pain has finally come. i'm completely losing my sleep. and its fucking gross. like if i'm awake, i think about him, i miss him and everything there is about him. and when i sleep, i just keep dreaming and dreaming and dreaming about him. 日有所思，夜有所梦。i'm completely appalled by my apparent inability to just move on.
when i close my eyes, i see you. when i stop thinking, i hear your voice. yet when i reach out, you're not there. i cant smell you, i cant feel you. there's simply nothing there. except me, my bolster and the bucket of tears that are consistently streaming. it took 3 days for the tears to materialize, and now that they have, they just keep flowing, keep flowing, keep flowing.
i cry as i go to sleep, aware that its no longer the same anymore.
i cry when i wake up, remembering that its no longer the same anymore.
i cry into my maggie mee, missing the times when i used to pack lunch for us.
i cry when i turn on the tv, because we used to watch tv together at your place.
i cry while bathing, reminiscing how it used to be.
i cry as i get changed for work, knowing i'd see you later.
i cry when open my wardrobe and see that yellow submarine tee.
i cry listening to every freaking song, they all remind me of you.
please tell me that you dont read this anymore. please tell me that you are happy. please dont let it sting you anymore.
and as i'm typing right now, it feels like a thousand tons of concrete blocks are weighing against my chest. its this terrible terrible suffocating feeling that heartaches bring that i hate. its bad enough that i have a perpetual sinus problem, now i have to deal with an additional suffocating feel.
i still cant bring myself to hate you. nor do i think i ever will. i'm blogging because, i simply dont want to escape by deluding myself, by pretending to be okie. by jumping into yet another relationship. you know i can, i know i can too. but somehow, its almost as if i dont want to let you go. not yet. not just yet.
eventually, it'd pass. eventually, i'd move on.
mr penis.
i have wonderful friends who send me laoya videos to cheer me up. how gross of you, mr vintee.. -_-"
分手 第2天
*hidden entry #1*
you know, i'm someone with an overactive imagination, and i cant survive if i dont talk. i keep talking and talking and making noise and making more noise, because somehow, it absolves me from that painful task of imagining.
i imagine myself talking to me in the future. i imagine myself talking to a younger me. i imagine myself talking to some idol-crush. i imagine myself talking to some atas person. i imagine myself talking to you, as if nothing's ever happened. i imagine myself talking to you, three years later.
and then i collapse. i collapse in a huge heap of confusion. entangled within my own imagination.
it was awkward, isnt it? it was hard, no? did i cross the line? i simply dont know how to handle that ballooning sadness other than to pretend to be overtly happy. high-ness is the perfect mask for misery. and i'm reaching a point, where i no longer know if i'm pretending, or i'm really high.
i'm making it awkward for everyone, right?
i'm sorry. i dont know what to do anymore.
心还是很痛。没有办法忽略的痛。
i really miss you. i miss us.
you know, i'm someone with an overactive imagination, and i cant survive if i dont talk. i keep talking and talking and making noise and making more noise, because somehow, it absolves me from that painful task of imagining.
i imagine myself talking to me in the future. i imagine myself talking to a younger me. i imagine myself talking to some idol-crush. i imagine myself talking to some atas person. i imagine myself talking to you, as if nothing's ever happened. i imagine myself talking to you, three years later.
and then i collapse. i collapse in a huge heap of confusion. entangled within my own imagination.
it was awkward, isnt it? it was hard, no? did i cross the line? i simply dont know how to handle that ballooning sadness other than to pretend to be overtly happy. high-ness is the perfect mask for misery. and i'm reaching a point, where i no longer know if i'm pretending, or i'm really high.
i'm making it awkward for everyone, right?
i'm sorry. i dont know what to do anymore.
心还是很痛。没有办法忽略的痛。
i really miss you. i miss us.
Friday, August 22, 2008
分手 第1天
at the end of a relationship, someone will get hurt, someone will be blamed. someone will be heartbroken, and someone will become a heartbreaker. someone will become the victim, and the other person will be hated. and this time round, there is none.
i know, i'm devastated. i'm fucking depressed. and its so bad i've only managed to clock a total of 6 hours of sleep in the last three days. its so bad that i've only managed to force down 2 proper meals in the last 3 days. its so bad that i was trying to drink myself drunk just so i could fall asleep last night. and now i know, that 2 cans of beer (which, thankfully was all that was left), 1 packet of vitasoy and 4 bottles of yakult dont go well with an empty stomach.
but its not his fault. and i dont blame him. i dont hate him. i still carry that same infatuated regard that i have for him when we first got together. it really isnt his fault.
stop asking me what i want. i want us to be together. but most of all, i want him to be happy. and if letting go makes him happier, i dont mind being miserable for awhile. eventually, i will heal. eventually, i'll let go. now, i just want him to be happy.
there are so many questions stirring in my mind. are you happy now? have you eaten? did you have enough sleep? do you even love me anymore?
there are so many things i want to say. i'm sorry. i really dont blame you. i'm grateful for whatever memories you gave me. i miss you. i miss you so much.
i wish i could see that smile again. the smile that you always wore when you arched your eyebrow. i wish i could hear that laugh again. the laugh that i have always found fake. but i can no longer bring myself to look you in the eye. emotions stir up, tears well up when i hear that voice, which has become distant, which will never be the same again.
i'm obviously still in denial. up until now, every morsel of me clings on to that last strand of hope that somehow, things might be the same for us again. but i know, its no longer possible. 有一些事情一旦发生，就再也不可能有挽回的局面。just like i know, by saying all these now, no matter how much i still love you, no matter how much i want us to be together, i have sealed that moment into eternity.
我有千千万万个不舍。千千万万个不愿。已经太迟了吧？
心狠痛。痛死了。痛到麻了。真的要分手吗？真的分手了吧？就这样吗？
where did the love go? where did my love go? where did you go? why did it go? when did it go? why? when? what?"
this is disgusting. i'm being utterly disgusting.
leave me alone. i'll deal.
just, be happy, ok?
仿佛上一分钟
你还陪在我左右
还以为我们会开花结果
我还记得玫瑰色天空
却模糊了我们的脸孔
哼的歌到底是什么内容
仿佛已经自由
下一刻我变成风
吹过你的脸孔差点失控
回忆在夜里闹的很凶
我想我可以明白你所有的痛
想让你知道我多
觉得心言不由衷
我们都接受
一定是彼此不够成熟
在爱情里分不了轻重
诚实的过了头
不能退后也无法向前走
爱是一个自私的念头
把寂寞消除的理由
剩下的那些感动
能记得多久
我把你的电话从手机里消除了
我把你的消息从话题里减少了
我把你的味道用香水喷掉了
我把你的照片用全家福挡住了
你让我的懂事变成一种幼稚
你让我的骄傲觉得很无知
你让我的朋友关心我的生活
你让我的软弱陪伴你的自由
离开我 你会不会好一点
离开你 什么事都难一点
车来了 坐上你的明天
车走了 我还站在路边
离开我 你会不会好一点
离开你 什么事都难一点
风来了 云就 会少一点
你走了 我住在雨里面
i know, i'm devastated. i'm fucking depressed. and its so bad i've only managed to clock a total of 6 hours of sleep in the last three days. its so bad that i've only managed to force down 2 proper meals in the last 3 days. its so bad that i was trying to drink myself drunk just so i could fall asleep last night. and now i know, that 2 cans of beer (which, thankfully was all that was left), 1 packet of vitasoy and 4 bottles of yakult dont go well with an empty stomach.
but its not his fault. and i dont blame him. i dont hate him. i still carry that same infatuated regard that i have for him when we first got together. it really isnt his fault.
stop asking me what i want. i want us to be together. but most of all, i want him to be happy. and if letting go makes him happier, i dont mind being miserable for awhile. eventually, i will heal. eventually, i'll let go. now, i just want him to be happy.
there are so many questions stirring in my mind. are you happy now? have you eaten? did you have enough sleep? do you even love me anymore?
there are so many things i want to say. i'm sorry. i really dont blame you. i'm grateful for whatever memories you gave me. i miss you. i miss you so much.
i wish i could see that smile again. the smile that you always wore when you arched your eyebrow. i wish i could hear that laugh again. the laugh that i have always found fake. but i can no longer bring myself to look you in the eye. emotions stir up, tears well up when i hear that voice, which has become distant, which will never be the same again.
i'm obviously still in denial. up until now, every morsel of me clings on to that last strand of hope that somehow, things might be the same for us again. but i know, its no longer possible. 有一些事情一旦发生，就再也不可能有挽回的局面。just like i know, by saying all these now, no matter how much i still love you, no matter how much i want us to be together, i have sealed that moment into eternity.
我有千千万万个不舍。千千万万个不愿。已经太迟了吧？
心狠痛。痛死了。痛到麻了。真的要分手吗？真的分手了吧？就这样吗？
where did the love go? where did my love go? where did you go? why did it go? when did it go? why? when? what?"
this is disgusting. i'm being utterly disgusting.
leave me alone. i'll deal.
just, be happy, ok?
你还陪在我左右
还以为我们会开花结果
我还记得玫瑰色天空
却模糊了我们的脸孔
哼的歌到底是什么内容
仿佛已经自由
下一刻我变成风
吹过你的脸孔差点失控
回忆在夜里闹的很凶
我想我可以明白你所有的痛
想让你知道我多
觉得心言不由衷
我们都接受
一定是彼此不够成熟
在爱情里分不了轻重
诚实的过了头
不能退后也无法向前走
爱是一个自私的念头
把寂寞消除的理由
剩下的那些感动
能记得多久
我把你的电话从手机里消除了
我把你的消息从话题里减少了
我把你的味道用香水喷掉了
我把你的照片用全家福挡住了
你让我的懂事变成一种幼稚
你让我的骄傲觉得很无知
你让我的朋友关心我的生活
你让我的软弱陪伴你的自由
离开我 你会不会好一点
离开你 什么事都难一点
车来了 坐上你的明天
车走了 我还站在路边
离开我 你会不会好一点
离开你 什么事都难一点
风来了 云就 会少一点
你走了 我住在雨里面
Friday, August 15, 2008
love love love love love jam
i honestly happen to think its rather lame to embed youtube videos on blogs. because i think the videos look fucking ugly with the blogskin and all. yes, i'm a rather vain person. hard to tell, i know.
but! i've been gushing non stop about this since i saw it.. ah fang, you see le ma?! omg omg omg omg omg de..
starts around 1.20.. but the real high is around 4.50. hahaha. ^^
cant stand it. totally. cannot stand.. eeks!!
but! i've been gushing non stop about this since i saw it.. ah fang, you see le ma?! omg omg omg omg omg de..
starts around 1.20.. but the real high is around 4.50. hahaha. ^^
cant stand it. totally. cannot stand.. eeks!!
Thursday, August 14, 2008
deteriorating language.
i think its fated. that on the day i've specially designated for cleaning/packing/clearing my room, the much dreaded aunt agony decided to come for her monthly visit. and so, i'm now sitting in bed, feeling lethargic and slightly uncomfortable, staring at the half mess, which is my room, and randomly surfing the net. well, at least i did clear some stuff. (finally threw away the lecture notes which were taking up a huge chunk of table space.)
i checked my blog awhile earlier and it surprised me to realize that its been a week since i last updated. to say that i've been busy with work would have been a lie given that i've spent much of my time in the last week sprawled out in bed, catching up on 命中注定我爱你.
by a stroke of serendipity, over the past few weeks, it came to my awareness that people, who i've never known very well, are reading this somewhat uninteresting little space. it suddenly struck me to think about the kind of impression my ramblings have created, and i am disgusted by how seemingly boring and shallow i've become over the course of the past year.
i've always maintained that blogging was an avenue for me to vent my frustrations, and to complain about how unfairly the world at large was treating me. at any point in my blogging history, i've been complaining about this or that. i must say that anger, annoyance, frustration and depression brought out the literary flair in me.
and since i'd all but removed the thorn in the flesh, which is me, being overtly critical of myself, it is only to be expected that i become increasingly boring. after all, i don't think anybody could possibly be interested in knowing that i've been happily munching on ruffles late at night, and mistaking carlsberg for 7-up. oh, and pocky too. i have no idea why chocolate pocky have this ability to illicit such happiness in me. ^^
well, i'm learning to appreciate the finer side of life, and not dwell unnecessarily into the little details, which more often than not, are only capable of dishing out misery. and i'd be glad to report that my little attempt at being a happier me has been successful thus far, save for that little fiasco in the last week, during when i allowed myself to be eaten by that ridiculously insecure inner voice.
so yes, i've not come to the point about how irritated i am by my own dullness. i was further fueled by the fact that i've really, really, really graduated, and my command of the language can only get progressively worse. nobody really cares about your grammatical errors and how grandiloquent your vocabulary can be. shit, i think your vocabulary starts deteriorating in university life already. (unless obviously, your a literature/language student.) you may be slightly awarded for writing eloquently, but i don't think the lecturer appreciates usage of orotund appellations.
and so, spurred on by the desire to re-establish my flailing lexis, i ridiculously spent $80 at popular, when i'm on a $10/day budget for the month. i'm really quite depressed just by the thought of it. i'm so going to eat my books for dinner now.
oh, happy 7 weeks baby. ^^
love you, muacks!
i checked my blog awhile earlier and it surprised me to realize that its been a week since i last updated. to say that i've been busy with work would have been a lie given that i've spent much of my time in the last week sprawled out in bed, catching up on 命中注定我爱你.
by a stroke of serendipity, over the past few weeks, it came to my awareness that people, who i've never known very well, are reading this somewhat uninteresting little space. it suddenly struck me to think about the kind of impression my ramblings have created, and i am disgusted by how seemingly boring and shallow i've become over the course of the past year.
i've always maintained that blogging was an avenue for me to vent my frustrations, and to complain about how unfairly the world at large was treating me. at any point in my blogging history, i've been complaining about this or that. i must say that anger, annoyance, frustration and depression brought out the literary flair in me.
and since i'd all but removed the thorn in the flesh, which is me, being overtly critical of myself, it is only to be expected that i become increasingly boring. after all, i don't think anybody could possibly be interested in knowing that i've been happily munching on ruffles late at night, and mistaking carlsberg for 7-up. oh, and pocky too. i have no idea why chocolate pocky have this ability to illicit such happiness in me. ^^
well, i'm learning to appreciate the finer side of life, and not dwell unnecessarily into the little details, which more often than not, are only capable of dishing out misery. and i'd be glad to report that my little attempt at being a happier me has been successful thus far, save for that little fiasco in the last week, during when i allowed myself to be eaten by that ridiculously insecure inner voice.
so yes, i've not come to the point about how irritated i am by my own dullness. i was further fueled by the fact that i've really, really, really graduated, and my command of the language can only get progressively worse. nobody really cares about your grammatical errors and how grandiloquent your vocabulary can be. shit, i think your vocabulary starts deteriorating in university life already. (unless obviously, your a literature/language student.) you may be slightly awarded for writing eloquently, but i don't think the lecturer appreciates usage of orotund appellations.
and so, spurred on by the desire to re-establish my flailing lexis, i ridiculously spent $80 at popular, when i'm on a $10/day budget for the month. i'm really quite depressed just by the thought of it. i'm so going to eat my books for dinner now.
oh, happy 7 weeks baby. ^^
love you, muacks!
Sunday, August 3, 2008
lim chieh sern,
*post note:
dear you, i'm afraid i'd have to disappoint you further by letting you know that i was not at all upset by your harmless message the other night. you no longer warrant enough to stir up unhappiness. i was, in actual fact, slightly amazed that you have the decency to even attempt to, (in your words) 'catch up with (me)'. that is, once again, considering the things you've done to me, the hurt you've inflicted on me, the inconvenience that you've brought upon while we were together.
you said i was an old friend, but perhaps you've remembered wrongly. we were never friends. well, at least to me, you were in differing points in the past, my boyfriend, my ex-boyfriend, a fuck buddy, my ex boyfriend, my boyfriend. as you can see, you, are but a vicious cycle in my tumultuous life. i dont think i can ever be friends with you. and you probably understand why, and why i no longer care to have anything to do with you.
i'm only announcing it here on my blog, because i seem to remember times in the past, when i've told you that i no longer want anything to do with you. and seeing as you have sent me yet another message, i can only conclude that a) i have been ignored, or b) i imagined the episode in which i clearly told/msned/smsed/emailed you to get the fuck out of my life.
i think i imagined it. but no matter, since i've already made it clear last night, and you've also given me your word, if they are to be taken, that the sms you sent earlier this evening, would be the last i'll ever hear from you.
i hope the same could be asked of you towards my mom. it would honestly unsettle me, if my mother were to associate herself with a bastard who all but brought misery to her daughter. she's already coerced the truth out of me, so i should think she a) really hates you now, or b) cant be bothered to think of you, like me.
thank you for your kind understanding towards my difficult position in maintaining our chimerical friendship.
an open message to an ex boyfriend. i hope you see this, and get it. but if you dont, well, doesnt really affect me.
so yes, i'd like to tell you, once and for all, to stop contacting me. considering the things you've done to me, the hurt you've inflicted on me, the inconvenience that you've brought upon while we were together, i would think its not too much for me to ask of you to do that.
there had been good times. but these are no longer enough to substantiate whatever goodwill i had towards you. i do not hate you, for i see no point in doing so. i just dont want to have anything to do with you. if i see you on the streets, i will still smile at you, and let that be all.
i am incredulously happy, as i can only be in my blessed little life. i wish i could say i hoped the same for you, but unfortunately, i am not as magnanimous as i imagined myself to be.
for the last time, just get out of my life.
dear you, i'm afraid i'd have to disappoint you further by letting you know that i was not at all upset by your harmless message the other night. you no longer warrant enough to stir up unhappiness. i was, in actual fact, slightly amazed that you have the decency to even attempt to, (in your words) 'catch up with (me)'. that is, once again, considering the things you've done to me, the hurt you've inflicted on me, the inconvenience that you've brought upon while we were together.
you said i was an old friend, but perhaps you've remembered wrongly. we were never friends. well, at least to me, you were in differing points in the past, my boyfriend, my ex-boyfriend, a fuck buddy, my ex boyfriend, my boyfriend. as you can see, you, are but a vicious cycle in my tumultuous life. i dont think i can ever be friends with you. and you probably understand why, and why i no longer care to have anything to do with you.
i'm only announcing it here on my blog, because i seem to remember times in the past, when i've told you that i no longer want anything to do with you. and seeing as you have sent me yet another message, i can only conclude that a) i have been ignored, or b) i imagined the episode in which i clearly told/msned/smsed/emailed you to get the fuck out of my life.
i think i imagined it. but no matter, since i've already made it clear last night, and you've also given me your word, if they are to be taken, that the sms you sent earlier this evening, would be the last i'll ever hear from you.
i hope the same could be asked of you towards my mom. it would honestly unsettle me, if my mother were to associate herself with a bastard who all but brought misery to her daughter. she's already coerced the truth out of me, so i should think she a) really hates you now, or b) cant be bothered to think of you, like me.
thank you for your kind understanding towards my difficult position in maintaining our chimerical friendship.
an open message to an ex boyfriend. i hope you see this, and get it. but if you dont, well, doesnt really affect me.
so yes, i'd like to tell you, once and for all, to stop contacting me. considering the things you've done to me, the hurt you've inflicted on me, the inconvenience that you've brought upon while we were together, i would think its not too much for me to ask of you to do that.
there had been good times. but these are no longer enough to substantiate whatever goodwill i had towards you. i do not hate you, for i see no point in doing so. i just dont want to have anything to do with you. if i see you on the streets, i will still smile at you, and let that be all.
i am incredulously happy, as i can only be in my blessed little life. i wish i could say i hoped the same for you, but unfortunately, i am not as magnanimous as i imagined myself to be.
for the last time, just get out of my life.
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