*hidden entry #7*
the 8th day since breaking up. and i dont feel like detailing my feelings anymore.
its getting confusing. because i've chosen to wait, and its something i've never had to do before. i know i want to wait. but somehow, i seem to be losing focus, losing the initial reason that propelled me to my decision.
why am i waiting?
it doesnt help that ah fang has been constantly reminding me that i deserve better, or that my wait is not being reciprocated. in a sense, my decision to wait has everything, and yet nothing to do with him. i dont expect him to react to it.
someday, i hope to hold that hand again. to smell that smell again. to hug him again. to lie on that boney shoulder again. someday.. that's why i'm waiting. i didnt choose to be sad. i didnt choose to be miserable. but i am, i was, because i love him, and it saddens me that i'm no longer by his side, that my smiles at the end of the day are no longer needed.
i want to wait, because i love him. its confusing, because i dont know why i love him. but i do. and for that, i will wait.
things are somehow looking up and i should be happy, and just continue waiting. at least, we're no longer ignoring each other? at least, we've taken yet another step towards building that friendship?
i wish that you'd know i'm waiting for you. i've removed all those entries that i wrote in the last couple of days because i dont want you to see them. i wish you'd know i'm waiting for you, but then, i hope you dont. i was a burden while we were together, now that we're not anymore, i just want you to go about with your life, as if i never stepped foot into it, and just be happy, as you were.
if one day, you come back, i'd know that you're back for me, because of you.
if one day, you come back, i'd publish all my forgotten entries. i love you, cjj. i really do.
