*hidden entry #2*
its finally set in. the full-blown manifestation of pain has finally come. i'm completely losing my sleep. and its fucking gross. like if i'm awake, i think about him, i miss him and everything there is about him. and when i sleep, i just keep dreaming and dreaming and dreaming about him. 日有所思，夜有所梦。i'm completely appalled by my apparent inability to just move on.
when i close my eyes, i see you. when i stop thinking, i hear your voice. yet when i reach out, you're not there. i cant smell you, i cant feel you. there's simply nothing there. except me, my bolster and the bucket of tears that are consistently streaming. it took 3 days for the tears to materialize, and now that they have, they just keep flowing, keep flowing, keep flowing.
i cry as i go to sleep, aware that its no longer the same anymore.
i cry when i wake up, remembering that its no longer the same anymore.
i cry into my maggie mee, missing the times when i used to pack lunch for us.
i cry when i turn on the tv, because we used to watch tv together at your place.
i cry while bathing, reminiscing how it used to be.
i cry as i get changed for work, knowing i'd see you later.
i cry when open my wardrobe and see that yellow submarine tee.
i cry listening to every freaking song, they all remind me of you.
please tell me that you dont read this anymore. please tell me that you are happy. please dont let it sting you anymore.
and as i'm typing right now, it feels like a thousand tons of concrete blocks are weighing against my chest. its this terrible terrible suffocating feeling that heartaches bring that i hate. its bad enough that i have a perpetual sinus problem, now i have to deal with an additional suffocating feel.
i still cant bring myself to hate you. nor do i think i ever will. i'm blogging because, i simply dont want to escape by deluding myself, by pretending to be okie. by jumping into yet another relationship. you know i can, i know i can too. but somehow, its almost as if i dont want to let you go. not yet. not just yet.
eventually, it'd pass. eventually, i'd move on.
