happy birthday to you

*hidden entry #14*

its his birthday. finally.
i had so many plans. initially.

still aches.

random #17

a series of rather unfortunate events befell on me the past few weeks, or rather, a series of rather unfortunate events missed me the past few weeks, which is even more unfortunate for it was supposedly expected. and seeing as i havent blogged about it, you would be smart enough to conclude, by now, that i probably wouldnt.

i'm only mentioning it now, because i'm completely appalled by the lack of consistency in this seemingly established product, which failed on me. and the subsequent worrying cost me yesterday's beauty sleep, which leaves me having to trot off to work looking like a zombie later. not that i care much these days though. i've all but re-gained the 3kg i lost post-breakup and more. completely disgusted by my lack of suitable clothes to cover up the bulging regions of flabs.

must be that damned sleepyhead's fault, all that unnecessary suppers. urgh! i totally need to revert to my one-meal-a-day plan.

my non-cycling gang is like expanding quite steadily. totally will go learn it soon. the tt should open a cycling class for us! lol.. honestly, i need to embark on this long-overdued activity. been talking about it for years already.

i think that's probably one of the reasons why so many of my relationships fail. i just keep harping non-stop about things, without actually doing anything. shit, i need to learn cycling! no more excuses.. but you know, its quite difficult to find a day that fits into everybody's schedule. it was difficult enough for ah huat and i to find an overlapping free day. shit, i'm already making excuses for me.


clubbing on the 8th, which is my laobu's birthday, i just realised. -_-"

oh well, please sign yourselves up. ah fang, dont beh deh you dont know. the xiao didis (ie, tt and ks) want to go to arena, but i desperately want to mambo, and it doesnt help because they're playing mambo songs like every-freaking-where. i dont care, i'm going to zouk. (okie la, we shall try to go into phuture too.)

i desperately want to go sing song too. the other day that same damned sleepyhead pointed out the fact that we (as in, people, in general) tend to sing better at night. quite true, really. and that revelation fueled my burning desire to go night-singing. i've had enough of singing to my laoya itunes at home.

and its fucking irritating to hear some nice song, which you know is out of your league.




你还好吗好久不见

又来这里这个老店

后来的你喜欢了谁

我们聊聊天


现在的你一样美丽

至於爱情是个回忆

她不爱我他离开你

爱会来就会去

在不同的城市努力

偶尔也会想想你

这样的我那样的你

要很久才相聚

我们都没说那遥远的曾经

我们也没提那故事的原因

青春的复刻回忆像一片云

没法子抓在手里

我们的眼泪在复习着过去

我们的微笑是彼此的氧气

复刻的回忆是封挂号信

多远都可以找到你

窗外的树爱哭的风

烦恼的我聪明的你

爱是什麽什麽人懂

所以别难过


心还痛吗请忘了吧

所谓幸福是个童话

后来的我一切随意

所以没关系

在不同的城市努力

偶尔也会想想你

这样的我那样的你

要很久才相聚


我们都没说那遥远的曾经

我们也没提那故事的原因

青春的复刻回忆像一片云

没法子抓在手里

我们的眼泪在复习着过去

我们的微笑是彼此的氧气

复刻的回忆是封挂号信

多远都可以找到你

午后的闷热的窗外的一场大雨
让我们看见了以前的自己

把时光倒转回到那一季

那年的梦他乡的你


i want to go sing song!! urgh~~~~~~~~

分手 第5周

*hidden entry #13*

i was going to start by saying, how much it disgusts me that i found myself searching for that perfectly coifed hair when i looked up from my book.

i was going to start by saying, how much it disgusts me everytime that ache finds its way back into the corners of my heart.

and then i realise, that its thursday, and for the first time in 5 weeks, i didnt let that ridiculous timeline bother me.


gw has made it alot easier by being as endearing as he is.

i cant stop looking. cant stop thinking. cant start forgetting. cant seem to let go. and its killing me.

celebrating singlehood. ^^

kk made me blog to commemorate that i've been single for more than a month now. officially, its one month and 3 days. feels weird, because i definitely miss having someone to hurl my abuses at. shit. did i just let loose the fact that i abuse my boyfriends?

i know, i'm like making a big deal out of nothing. but the fact is, it is a big deal for me. its quite funny when you suddenly realise that you dont really know who to complain to in the middle of the night, when you're feeling hungry. its rather weird to not have to sms people when you wake up in the mornings, and before you go to bed. its scary that you dont really know who to ask out these days.

i suddenly wonder how life was, before i started to become half of a couple. i'm an individual now, and as much as its totally unsettling, its like a new experience for me and i'm like totally enjoying it.

shit, i need to stop using totally, and like, and thingy, and freaking. i'm like totally morphing into this bimbotic thingy, and its totally freaking me out, like, freaking totally. doesnt help that they're like totally freaking easy to use. and i think i like, totally just demonstrated their versatility. like totally lor.

and no, i'm not waiting for cjj anymore. i've probably mentioned it a thousand times now, that i've long given up. what's not meant to be, is simply not yours to begin with. that said though, i definitely still have feelings for that guy, who hasn't done anything to warrant an ounce of negativity from me.

blah. should banish all that unhappiness once and for all. and yes, i completely have the massive-est crush on stephen chow now. 007 and 008 were damn funny la..

i'm obviously too seh to blog right now. shall go hug my yan yan to sleep. yan yan is a male, by the way. i declared it in a state of delirium earlier. my yan yan is a horny male bear who likes to snuggle in my nehs.

my beloved yan yan, that i lugged all the way home from genting, and who reeks of my salivasmells ultra nice now. ^^


thats me, and my receding hairline. i swear i wont ever clip up my fringe ever!! like totally lor!!


eh. i look malay. -_-"

one month!! ^^

should have went genting with weiming if i knew my mother would be so supportive of me not going for the SIA walk-in. damn~~~~~~

so i havent been blogging for freaking long. ya, i know. i need to stop writing entries which i will, at the end of it, deem unfit for publication. like, what's the point, then, of writing in the first place.

and i've probably mentioned this more than once, that i keep wondering, trying to pin-point exactly, what is the last fleeting thought thats on your mind, at the exact moment when you lost that last vestige of consciousness and drift off into dreamland.

i've since come to realize that the more often than not, you tend to come up with crazy ideas as you drift in and out of consciousness. and last night, rather, this morning, i came up with this absurd theory, that i'm losing myself.

you know i've always maintained that at the end of every relationship, i lose a part of me, i lose part of that ability to love. i have this ridiculous tendency to blame myself whenever things go wrong, and after all these years of loving and losing and the whole shit that is me self-depreciating myself.

that's like probably, why over the years, i'm becoming increasingly skeptical, and increasingly desperate, at the same time, wanting to prove and disprove the romantic hypothesis. i've finally decided to give it all up. the whole shit, which is falling in love and staying there happily ever after.

i think its me. kk said, quite awhile ago, that i was the one who went through all those years of broken relationships, and its the only singularity there. so it must be me.


oh well, that aside, its yay-ness since i've finally broken that ridiculous curse of not being able to stay single for more than a month. if that's what you'd call a curse, in the first place. kk said we should celebrate that first month-sary of single-hood. -_-"

one month, and i'm still pretty lost. the situation is still somewhat similar to when i was saying that i'd wait for him, and the very next day, i end up deciding not to. and now that i've more or less decided not to, i'm kinda having second thoughts, and its kinda getting harder, whenever i chance upon all those rubbishy things that remind me of him. and trust me, every rubbish seemed to have formed some abstract association.

its getting ridiculous, but no, its really time for me to embrace this me-ness. ask me out, people. i'm so going to immerse myself in heaps of activities. ^^

i was going to end off with no, i dont miss him anymore, but then, i realize i kinda still do. so, fuck that.


oh oh, spot me!! (clickable, obviously.) i need to stop eating, really. damn it.

分手 第27天

*hidden entry #12*

i'm really getting confused! was recounting the situations that led up to our getting together. and the heartache is starting again!! its been 27 days. it seems long, especially in consideration of my past, in consideration of the past, in which i've never stayed single for more than a month. 27 days.. feels pathetically short, still.

i really miss you. 到底要等到几时，我的心才会开会不痛，我才能心平气和地面对那些和你有关的人事物？

i think i'm moving on. i seem to be slowing showing interests in other things - eating, especially. going places with random people. enjoying myself. i'm moving on, slower than i usually do, but at least i am making an effort to get out of this sinking pit of my emotions.

我不想跳了。

someday, i wish 我的心会完完全全不再为你而痛。

27天了。 我放的下吗？ 放下了吗？

分手 第26天

*hidden entry #11*

i seem to have re-entered that 'waiting for him' phase. seeing him, hearing his voice, knowing his nearby. all these little nondescript nonsense just stir up that whole whirlpool of emotions.

like when i saw him earlier, and he was wearing that baby milo tee i chose for him back in hk. does it bring back the same memories for him, as it did for me? do all those things even remind him of me anymore?

i miss him. or maybe i just missing having someone around. i miss hugging him. or maybe i just missing hugging. it almost seem as though all i need is a boyfriend figure. but i know that's not the case. i just want him.

the heartache is back. the missing is back. that whole whirlpool of emotions is stirring again. its a washing machine in my head tonight.

分手 第23天

*hidden entry #10*

and so it seems, they really were talking about us. fzy and mm were seemingly talking about it again earlier. and the entire situation just seem to be getting increasingly complicated, which is not helping at all.

all i want is you, dont you know? cant you tell? wont you see? are you going to move even further away from me because of that, whatever that is?

i miss you, you know that? i miss you so bad, its driving me crazy.

the more i want to see you, the more afraid i am of seeing you.
the more i want to know how you're doing, the more i'm afraid of finding out.
what if you've moved on? what if you no longer loved me? what if there's someone else?

why do i love you so much? even now? why cant i stop?

分手 第3周

*hidden entry #9*

3 weeks since the break up. today is the 11th, and it should have been our 11th week too. i've decided to let go. it was hard, having to hear/read that he no longer knew why he loved me. so it was me, who said those ugly stuff, me who had to push him to his limits, but hearing those words, broke my heart really.

overheard snippets of his conversation with fzy and pwj at work. i think they were talking about us? i dont know. part of me wanted to know what they were talking about, the same part that is still clinging on to that miniscule hope of getting back together again. but for the most part, i was just trying to ignore them, ignore him, move on with my life.

it feels so empty. i miss him so much, still. -_-"

when will i finally move on?

back from genting..

i'm back from that little getaway to genting. relatively boring, nothing much to do given that we couldnt enter the casinos, and we couldnt enter the clubs. people, please do not wear slippers to genting, unless you just want to slack around and rot. yea, so i've been eating non stop over there, and i feel somewhat disgusted with my new weight gain now.

and you know what? i've not unpacked the hk luggage, so now, i've got 2 to unpack. -_-"

was sieving through the photos, and because my laptop is old and cranky and super lag, i keep jumping to those HK photos (because more than half of the pictures in my iPhoto are those taken in HK). and i suddenly realize that looking at all his ugly pictures makes it much easier for me to let go. like, really, what was/am i waiting for?!

no, i've not completely let it go yet. people have feelings, i have feelings, and feelings can't just be erased like that. it still somewhat stings. but i'm on my way!! and i'm quite irritated because i cant seem to stop harping about it, and that propensity to harp just shows how much i havent actually moved on.

but, oh well, the good news is, i've got loads of his ugly photos. muahaha!! i know, i know. i still maintain though, that it really wasnt his fault we had to break up. and it really kills me each time i hear people getting upset with him over it, and it happens quite alot.

ah, fuck! i desperately need to get in the sun, its disgusting how fair i seem to have gotten over the past few weeks. i fucking look like a ghost. uploaded a photo to prove my point, actually, but i removed it, cuz, i fucking look a ghost. tmd. -_-"

shall upload the ghastliness to facebook in awhile.

peanut butter

actually, in that last post, i was originally intending to blog about how eating bread with peanut butter reminded me of him because he bought me my last bottle of peanut butter, which has finished already, and the new one on the table was bought by cs, with whom i had supper last night.

its funny because i just keep indulging in that occasional bout of emo-ness. -_-"

and oh, i'll be away starting tomorrow till tuesday. till then!! ^^

self-destroy me

so a few days ago, i was randomly telling anyone who might care to listen that i was happily single (as i usually do each time i snap out of a relationship, just that it took me a little longer than what may have been expected to recover).

its almost 20 days since we broke up, and i dont see myself entering another relationship anytime soon. you know each time one ends, a part of me dies off, and the other day, it struck me as to how dangerously close to losing myself i was. its no secret that i dont believe in marriage. a lasting marriage is one that is built on responsibility, not love, and its just fucking sad thinking about it. (it might not actually be, but the whole notion of a love-less relationship, from first hand experience, sucks.)

now, i kinda think i'm losing faith in the whole idea of relationships.

爱是一个自私的念头, 把寂寞消除的理由
its almost as if that status is a golden key to things. and i'm just not really bothered anymore. both cjj and ray pointed out the fact that i'm just this little girl who needs someone to hug, and if that's the case, i dont think its difficult to find people to hug me to sleep. and if that's the case, i should just do away with the whole idea of a relationship, of commitment, so as to save the heartbreak.

its that above trail of thoughts that led me to the conclusion that i must be teetering on the edge of self-destruction.

speaking of self-destruction, i've recently developed this crazy addiction to beer. and i'm gong to indulge in my daily dose of carlsberg now. that, and my 2-a-day f-cup cookies. -_-"

2 weeks. i'm giving up.

死心了。

是时候放弃了。

there were many entries i wrote in the days that passed since the break up.
entries in which i lamented on how much i missed him.
entries in which i sobbed my misery into.
entries which had me crying on the way to work, crying while i slept, crying when i woke.
entries which saw me laughing my misery away, smiling at every other joke, enjoying myself with every person.
entries that witnessed me making that decision to wait for him.

and now, these entries will be lost forever. because i've decided to give up. there's no point anymore. and no, i'm not sad as i blog right now. somehow, kk and i both saw it coming, somehow, i've already told kk that i was going to give up. hearing from the horse's mouth, hearing that he no longer has feelings for me, confirming what we knew was coming, made it alot easier. i guess i was mentally prepared already.

am i going to move on? yea, i definitely am.
am i going to get involved in yet another meaningless relationship? no, i dont think so.

i loved him. i really did. as much as people tend to think i dont, i really did. i loved him more with every passing day, and eventually, i loved him with all of me. and he loved me too. but it was not meant to be. it just wasnt meant to be.

mambo at 2 weeks.

peeing in semi-darkness is completely irritating. the light in my bathroom has fused yet again, and having to light a candle everytime i need to pee is sibeh lei chey.

but anyhow, mambo last night was incredibly shiok, especially considering that i completely had no feel a few days prior to it. it was so much fun in fact, that the aching feel has been made negligible and i totally just want to go again. i'm actually pretending to not notice the blue black that's on my knee.

yes, so mambo-ing was made fun by the presence of 4 chiongsters. ^^

meh meh's alter-ego -- chipmunk!!


the damn~~ on gw, who was there jumping with me at the end when cl, meh meh and ah fang all started waving their little white flags.


and weiming! heh. the sai king who looks completely sai now with my damn zai specs. ^^



here is my pre-clubbing chio-ness. super good hair-day and all..
and i just realized that my uneven eyelids are getting worse. it makes me look as though my right eye is a lot smaller than the left, when its the eyelid's problem. urgh~~~


and the post-clubbing cui-ness. -_-"



i completely want to go again la. boohoo~~


anyways, its 2 weeks. could have been 10. and today, that feeling that i've been refusing to come to terms with, that little uncertainly has been driven home. today, i came to learn of a direct relationship between what i feel for him, and the non-existent fake-ness which i've been falsefully holding on to.

and as of now, both are diminishing. it simply isnt the same anymore. i still want to believe, but its becoming increasingly difficult to do so.

i keep telling people i dont give a damn anymore. i keep creating that false impression that it doesnt matter anymore. but it does. even though its definitely getting weaker, it still does. i still do miss *him. that him, from my memory, which is gradually fading from my feelings, from the heart.


oh. and kk says i sounded nice singing this,



muahaha.. damn shiok.


oh oh. and ah fang, this is the real diaog diaog diaog~~



muahaha..

stupid lizard.

i need to stop faltering between 'i'm going to stick to my decision', and 'forget it, its heading nowhere'. i think i'm driving poor kk crazy with my changing mindset. but you know, the fact that i'm still thinking about it, brooding over it, actually shows that i still do care, and to a certain extent, i'm still somewhat committed to my earlier decision.

the only thing now is, how long and how many people. both ah fang and kk think that i probably wont break my previous record. and as much as i would like to think otherwise, fact that i'm faltering shows that inclination towards reversion back to being me. i really really really want to adhere to that decision i made about 2 weeks ago. i really really want to press on, but as time goes by, it seems to get more and more clouded.

i'm not used to not being loved. and even though i'm definitely loving myself more than i ever did, it still unsettles me abit, this whole situation i'm in.


omfg. i just spotted this laoya lizard. and right now, i'm fucking pek chek, because i'm just freaking terrified of lizards. like this afternoon, when jared made this lizard figurine from blutack, it was more than enough to send shivers up my spine. i cant even bear looking at the fake thing, and now, there's this gargantuan muthafucker in my room. actually, i think its a baby lizard, but all the same. come to think of it, baby lizards are more gross. then again, the fat ones seem more likely to drop from the wall. ah fuck. my hairs are standing already. nbcb.

i should have just slept on, instead of waking up at bloody 3am. -_-"

totally not able to continue blogging because of that kuku bird.

分手 第11天

*hidden entry #8*

its been 11 days since we broke up. today would be the 12th.

went ktv with the people - his group of people; cch, pwj, ec, lcl and my dearest kk. told kk last night that i'd make up my mind whether or not to continue waiting by tonight. and after tonight, i think i shall not wait anymore.

its super heart wrenching to see that i am no longer part of his life .
its super aching to know that he doesnt really care anymore.
they're all trying to help bridge the distance, but..

its really hard, to persevere when there's no reaction from his side. i'm giving up, i guess.