*in a rush to get to work now. blog more laters. ^^
Friday, November 28, 2008
flower flower where are you?
where is my flower.. :(
*rawrs*
getting impatient.
where is the flower..
where, where, where, where, where?!
*rawrs*
getting impatient.
where is the flower..
where, where, where, where, where?!
Monday, November 24, 2008
random #25
time is such an amazing thing, no?
i stared out the window in an awe-struck stupefaction; the awe probably brought on by my severe lack of sleep, no thanks to my haste in that attempt to finish up my first book of the twilight saga. (i've since embarked on the second book - new moon, in a snail pace, hoping it would last till at least when the next pay comes in. yes, the over-expenditure.)
so i was staring at the breaking dawn of a new morning, gaping at the beauty of the dark sky that is starting to show signs of the impending light. and i realized, for the millionth time, that i am, but a small part of this vast world, when the majority of our populace gets ready for their day, i turn in bed, about to end mine.
what are you doing right now? right now, as i sit upright in bed, my thoughts whirling around, hovering above my head. what are you doing right now? time is such an amazing thing. its like this universal measurement of every unique experience.
okie, i'm getting a little too abstract to be put into words. the problem with not having enough sleep, and with burying myself in the pages of one fantasy novel after another.
fleeting thoughts. random reiterations of my nondescript life. i know i ever said i hate writing in point form, but when sleep deprivation hits, and your restless mind refuses to stop churning questions, its hard to have to maintain coherence while letting off steam. so here goes,
-ah xiong, the long-lost brother asked me why is the picture of my vindictive ex, as i so call him, still on my friendster, if he is as vindictive as i say he is.
-the same long-lost brother, in response to my less-than-satisfactory answer to his above query, quoted that ah huat said i was an extremely forgiving person.
-fzy said his initials only appear on the hidden entries. which is partly true, but not quite.
-i'm worried about falling in love again. or rather, i should not say love. i definitely loved cjj, and the feeling is not quite the same. i'm worried about falling into dependence again.
-i cant seem to tear myself away from this one person these days, and he's a terribly nice person, who's taking a risk (according to sources that i now deem, unreliable) by his willingness to be my slave.
-at my weakest you appear, what if i become stronger? will you, concurrently, become obsolete? i shudder at that thought.
-i'm appalled by the speed at which random people pick up gossip-worthy information. like how the fact that i've been sitting with ks at work, and how we happen to come in together has led to speculation of a new may-december romance. very disturbing. but a little amusing at the same time.
-i'll watch madagascar for the third time this tuesday. -_-"
-i'm going to submit my application come february for the stupid masters program in ntu. its a hatching decision. so details to come when i've made up my mind.
-the call to apply came after the family meeting with dad, who demanded that i continue with my studies, instead of venturing out into the workforce, which i have been procrastinating.
-there is a high chance i'll get whisked off to australia for studies if my application to ntu is rejected. so, pray for me.
-kk thinks that a long-distance relationship is doomed to fail.
-ah huat thinks i might get a shot at the foreign love as foretold by the palmist a long time ago.
-he is devastated i may have to leave.
-i miss him.
i think the zee monster has just upped its fighting spirit. i'm now battling the level 99 version. eyes barely open. shall update again soon. hopefully with good tidings too. ^^
i stared out the window in an awe-struck stupefaction; the awe probably brought on by my severe lack of sleep, no thanks to my haste in that attempt to finish up my first book of the twilight saga. (i've since embarked on the second book - new moon, in a snail pace, hoping it would last till at least when the next pay comes in. yes, the over-expenditure.)
so i was staring at the breaking dawn of a new morning, gaping at the beauty of the dark sky that is starting to show signs of the impending light. and i realized, for the millionth time, that i am, but a small part of this vast world, when the majority of our populace gets ready for their day, i turn in bed, about to end mine.
what are you doing right now? right now, as i sit upright in bed, my thoughts whirling around, hovering above my head. what are you doing right now? time is such an amazing thing. its like this universal measurement of every unique experience.
okie, i'm getting a little too abstract to be put into words. the problem with not having enough sleep, and with burying myself in the pages of one fantasy novel after another.
fleeting thoughts. random reiterations of my nondescript life. i know i ever said i hate writing in point form, but when sleep deprivation hits, and your restless mind refuses to stop churning questions, its hard to have to maintain coherence while letting off steam. so here goes,
-ah xiong, the long-lost brother asked me why is the picture of my vindictive ex, as i so call him, still on my friendster, if he is as vindictive as i say he is.
-the same long-lost brother, in response to my less-than-satisfactory answer to his above query, quoted that ah huat said i was an extremely forgiving person.
-fzy said his initials only appear on the hidden entries. which is partly true, but not quite.
-i'm worried about falling in love again. or rather, i should not say love. i definitely loved cjj, and the feeling is not quite the same. i'm worried about falling into dependence again.
-i cant seem to tear myself away from this one person these days, and he's a terribly nice person, who's taking a risk (according to sources that i now deem, unreliable) by his willingness to be my slave.
-at my weakest you appear, what if i become stronger? will you, concurrently, become obsolete? i shudder at that thought.
-i'm appalled by the speed at which random people pick up gossip-worthy information. like how the fact that i've been sitting with ks at work, and how we happen to come in together has led to speculation of a new may-december romance. very disturbing. but a little amusing at the same time.
-i'll watch madagascar for the third time this tuesday. -_-"
-i'm going to submit my application come february for the stupid masters program in ntu. its a hatching decision. so details to come when i've made up my mind.
-the call to apply came after the family meeting with dad, who demanded that i continue with my studies, instead of venturing out into the workforce, which i have been procrastinating.
-there is a high chance i'll get whisked off to australia for studies if my application to ntu is rejected. so, pray for me.
-kk thinks that a long-distance relationship is doomed to fail.
-ah huat thinks i might get a shot at the foreign love as foretold by the palmist a long time ago.
-he is devastated i may have to leave.
-i miss him.
i think the zee monster has just upped its fighting spirit. i'm now battling the level 99 version. eyes barely open. shall update again soon. hopefully with good tidings too. ^^
Friday, November 21, 2008
random #24
dawn is about to break, and i'm sitting propped up in bed, with a book in my hands, trying to convince myself that the story is not all that exciting, and i'm tired.
but i'm not. and it is.
i cant believe i made the lousy decision to start on twilight at 3am in the morning, and now, i'm unnervingly hooked to the progressing storyline. i hope i dont finish the book too fast. i'm rather intending to get the second part of the series next month. (over-spent, as usual. -_-")
okie, i need to stop wasting time and get back to bella and edward.
but i'm not. and it is.
i cant believe i made the lousy decision to start on twilight at 3am in the morning, and now, i'm unnervingly hooked to the progressing storyline. i hope i dont finish the book too fast. i'm rather intending to get the second part of the series next month. (over-spent, as usual. -_-")
okie, i need to stop wasting time and get back to bella and edward.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
occurrence and recurrence.
i am aghast to discover, rather amazingly, that my life is a complicated entanglement of events that occur and recur, occur and recur. albeit with different people in differing points. much like a spider-web, really. this came to me in the midst of reading the mind-fuckingly stupefying email correspondence i had with that much-detested ex boyfriend. (if you get stricken by an uncontrollably horrific bout of sneezing fit, it would be me, cursing you behind your back, for the umpteen time this week. and no, cjj, i'm not talking about you, yet.)
so yes, back then i was helplessly in love with this very much detested ex boyfriend, who as sources indicate, seem to be scuttling ever-lower into that abyss of his loserish-ness. sibeh amazing, how he can just sink lower. then again, sources are biased. so there. must take with a pinch of salt.
back then, i refuse to accept the fact that it simply was not working out.
and now, i am helplessly in love with this irritatingly confused ex boyfriend, who as far as i am concerned, seem to become increasingly unattractive these days. love is blind, i think i am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
yes, i somehow, am still refusing to accept the fact that its not going to work out. it disgusts me hell lot, which was what prompted me to publish the hidden entries, you should all become aware of the swimming pool of tears i nearly drowned myself in because of his inability to settle our differences. all the sleepless nights, and food-less days.
but no, i'm not blaming him. in fact, i'm somewhat guilty that i'm allowing the vast world a glimpse into the multitude of pain that he's inflicted upon me. its not his fault that i love him. its not his fault that he's confused. but it is most definitely his fault that he's allowed his confusion to spill over and restart my washing machine emotions.
(just like its not limchiehsern's fault that i loved him, and its not his fault that he didnt love me as much as he had hoped for. but he's entirely to be blamed for cheating on me, and for sleeping around. whether i was the victim or the accomplice, doesnt absolve him of the blame and me of my own heartache.)
you might think i'm inclined towards thinking it could jolly well be my fault that people didnt love me enough, that i loved them too much. but you have to at least remember ray, and her royal highness, who is me.
yes. i want to become the queen again, instead of being slave bizi, who merrily wakes up early to buy breakfast for her undeserving kings (i did that for lcs, and i did it for cjj. yikes! the parallels.) i want to become the queen. i want to have the final say. and i shall need a slave in due course. someone who wakes me up in the mornings (more afternoons than mornings, really), and who'd talk me to sleep when the occasional insomnia strikes.
please dont sign yourself up. i already have a candidate in mind as it is. hor? ^^ (blah, i have more than one candidate in mind, actually, and its driving me up the wall. i'm such a jian nu ren. but i like.)
so yes, back then i was helplessly in love with this very much detested ex boyfriend, who as sources indicate, seem to be scuttling ever-lower into that abyss of his loserish-ness. sibeh amazing, how he can just sink lower. then again, sources are biased. so there. must take with a pinch of salt.
back then, i refuse to accept the fact that it simply was not working out.
and now, i am helplessly in love with this irritatingly confused ex boyfriend, who as far as i am concerned, seem to become increasingly unattractive these days. love is blind, i think i am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
yes, i somehow, am still refusing to accept the fact that its not going to work out. it disgusts me hell lot, which was what prompted me to publish the hidden entries, you should all become aware of the swimming pool of tears i nearly drowned myself in because of his inability to settle our differences. all the sleepless nights, and food-less days.
but no, i'm not blaming him. in fact, i'm somewhat guilty that i'm allowing the vast world a glimpse into the multitude of pain that he's inflicted upon me. its not his fault that i love him. its not his fault that he's confused. but it is most definitely his fault that he's allowed his confusion to spill over and restart my washing machine emotions.
(just like its not limchiehsern's fault that i loved him, and its not his fault that he didnt love me as much as he had hoped for. but he's entirely to be blamed for cheating on me, and for sleeping around. whether i was the victim or the accomplice, doesnt absolve him of the blame and me of my own heartache.)
you might think i'm inclined towards thinking it could jolly well be my fault that people didnt love me enough, that i loved them too much. but you have to at least remember ray, and her royal highness, who is me.
yes. i want to become the queen again, instead of being slave bizi, who merrily wakes up early to buy breakfast for her undeserving kings (i did that for lcs, and i did it for cjj. yikes! the parallels.) i want to become the queen. i want to have the final say. and i shall need a slave in due course. someone who wakes me up in the mornings (more afternoons than mornings, really), and who'd talk me to sleep when the occasional insomnia strikes.
please dont sign yourself up. i already have a candidate in mind as it is. hor? ^^ (blah, i have more than one candidate in mind, actually, and its driving me up the wall. i'm such a jian nu ren. but i like.)
devastatingly undecided.
i, am, devastatingly undecided. which is why i've published all the hidden and unpublished entries i wrote in the anguish post-break up.
truths, which not even kk knew entirely of. the pain, every fucking day. the heartache every fucking night. it took me so fucking long to walk out of it, and just one day, with just one conversation, i've lost that footing it took me so long to gain.
all i needed was that occasional hug, the random kisses. and i've never asked anything else of you. i've never wanted anything else from you. because everything, anyhow, i just want you to be happy. i subjugated my needs to your wants. and it somehow is my fault?
and now, i am once again, devastatingly undecided. just go. it hurts hell lot that i have to say it, it hurts hell lot. i wish i could give you all the time in the world to lift that confusion, to decide. but every fucking second, a brick falls off the crumbling tower of my emotions.
where were you when i needed you? what were you doing when my heart was breaking into pieces? what were you thinking when you stabbed your unfeeling knife into my healing wound?
All we had was just one summer
Two lovers strolling in the park
But like they say the world keeps turning
As the leaves were falling we should fall apart
Now I'm waiting for the winter
To build a castle out of ice
And deep inside this massive building
Theres a crystal lake of all the tears I cried
Baby for all my life
Don't you know that it's true
I'm living to love you
So baby don't think twice
If you feel what I feel
Trust your heart, and do what I do
'Cause I'm living to love you
When you're gone, it's not forever
Cause you're remaining in my heart
So tell me why I feel this aching
Every time I think of you when we're apart
I admit that from time to time
I'm feeling insecure
And think I'm gonna lose my mind
Don't let it show, oh, no, no, no
I don't think I'll ever understand
That our loving should never have a happy end
So I'm really gonna try my best
To let you know
Baby for all my life
Don't you know that it's true
I'm living to love you
So baby don't think twice
If you feel what I feel
Trust your heart, and do what I do
'Cause I'm living to love you
When the final day comes
I know the angels
They will see my smile
And if they wanna know the reason
I will tell them why
Baby for all my life
I'm living to love you
truths, which not even kk knew entirely of. the pain, every fucking day. the heartache every fucking night. it took me so fucking long to walk out of it, and just one day, with just one conversation, i've lost that footing it took me so long to gain.
all i needed was that occasional hug, the random kisses. and i've never asked anything else of you. i've never wanted anything else from you. because everything, anyhow, i just want you to be happy. i subjugated my needs to your wants. and it somehow is my fault?
and now, i am once again, devastatingly undecided. just go. it hurts hell lot that i have to say it, it hurts hell lot. i wish i could give you all the time in the world to lift that confusion, to decide. but every fucking second, a brick falls off the crumbling tower of my emotions.
where were you when i needed you? what were you doing when my heart was breaking into pieces? what were you thinking when you stabbed your unfeeling knife into my healing wound?
All we had was just one summer
Two lovers strolling in the park
But like they say the world keeps turning
As the leaves were falling we should fall apart
Now I'm waiting for the winter
To build a castle out of ice
And deep inside this massive building
Theres a crystal lake of all the tears I cried
Baby for all my life
Don't you know that it's true
I'm living to love you
So baby don't think twice
If you feel what I feel
Trust your heart, and do what I do
'Cause I'm living to love you
When you're gone, it's not forever
Cause you're remaining in my heart
So tell me why I feel this aching
Every time I think of you when we're apart
I admit that from time to time
I'm feeling insecure
And think I'm gonna lose my mind
Don't let it show, oh, no, no, no
I don't think I'll ever understand
That our loving should never have a happy end
So I'm really gonna try my best
To let you know
Baby for all my life
Don't you know that it's true
I'm living to love you
So baby don't think twice
If you feel what I feel
Trust your heart, and do what I do
'Cause I'm living to love you
When the final day comes
I know the angels
They will see my smile
And if they wanna know the reason
I will tell them why
Baby for all my life
I'm living to love you
Sunday, November 9, 2008
random #23
look, here's what's going on right now - NOTHING.
there is nothing for me to say, with regards to the on-goings of my life at its present state of confusion.
i thank you for the concern, and i apologize if my behavior has caused distress to people i cant care less about.
so stop asking ah fang what is up with me. i love my ah fang, and i dont want my disability to lead a scandal-free life to bother her. she doesnt know anything, in fact, nobody knows anything, because there is nothing to be known, yet.
there is nothing for me to say, with regards to the on-goings of my life at its present state of confusion.
i thank you for the concern, and i apologize if my behavior has caused distress to people i cant care less about.
so stop asking ah fang what is up with me. i love my ah fang, and i dont want my disability to lead a scandal-free life to bother her. she doesnt know anything, in fact, nobody knows anything, because there is nothing to be known, yet.
分手 第80天
*hidden entry #15*
你说我爱你太多 就快要把你淹没
你害怕幸福 短暂一秒就崩落
分开是一种解脱 让你好好的想过
我想要的那片天空 你是不是能够给我
你说我给你太多 却不能给我什麽
分不清激情承诺永恒或迷惑
爱情是一道伤口 我们各自苦痛
沉默是我最後温柔 是因为我太爱你
i'm completely blown away by the way events are turning out. i wish there was something i could do to make it better for them both, and for myself. i wish i knew what is wrong now. but, it seems, the more i try, the worse it gets.
i've always only wanted us to be happy, wanted him to be happy.
it wasnt easy, pretending to be happy, just so ppl might be more able to absolve him of whatever blame they wanted to place on him. it wasnt easy, pretending to be alright, when i'm not at all. it wasnt easy having this sense of contentment, infused with the stingingly fresh pricks at my heart, course through me each and every time i saw him, heard him, missed him.
i've more or less walked past that stage. i dont think i can allow myself to retract and fall into that abyss of misery all over again. i dont think i will.
feelings fade. feelings are still there though they faded. feelings take time to grow, trust takes time to build.
you pry open my wound to pick at the rawness of the flesh. and still, i cant find it my heart to even want to associate you with the pain that i'm feeling. i know its not your fault, i want to be able to do something to dispel that confusion you're clouded in. i want to do something to make you happy, so that i can be happy. but everything i do, you push me further away.
你要我安静的走开吗？
你害怕幸福 短暂一秒就崩落
分开是一种解脱 让你好好的想过
我想要的那片天空 你是不是能够给我
你说我给你太多 却不能给我什麽
分不清激情承诺永恒或迷惑
爱情是一道伤口 我们各自苦痛
沉默是我最後温柔 是因为我太爱你
i'm completely blown away by the way events are turning out. i wish there was something i could do to make it better for them both, and for myself. i wish i knew what is wrong now. but, it seems, the more i try, the worse it gets.
i've always only wanted us to be happy, wanted him to be happy.
it wasnt easy, pretending to be happy, just so ppl might be more able to absolve him of whatever blame they wanted to place on him. it wasnt easy, pretending to be alright, when i'm not at all. it wasnt easy having this sense of contentment, infused with the stingingly fresh pricks at my heart, course through me each and every time i saw him, heard him, missed him.
i've more or less walked past that stage. i dont think i can allow myself to retract and fall into that abyss of misery all over again. i dont think i will.
feelings fade. feelings are still there though they faded. feelings take time to grow, trust takes time to build.
you pry open my wound to pick at the rawness of the flesh. and still, i cant find it my heart to even want to associate you with the pain that i'm feeling. i know its not your fault, i want to be able to do something to dispel that confusion you're clouded in. i want to do something to make you happy, so that i can be happy. but everything i do, you push me further away.
你要我安静的走开吗？
Friday, November 7, 2008
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