2009 ny resolution pt. 1

christmas is the perfect time to fine tune your new year's resolutions. its fucking disgusting, but yes, i'm afraid we'd have to admit that 2008 is coming to an end. i'm fucking getting another year older. grrr..

i discovered, with great shock, the other evening, over dinner with gw, the actual reason behind my persistent procrastination to look for a job. i know, i graduated in may. fucking may. and i'm still stuck (i stick myself to it, really) where i am. working relatively long hours, and earning minimal wage. it really boils down to my contemptible fear for being independent.

its like, stepping into the corporate world, being an employed adult, holding a job with an actual position and real career prospects, all these. its like i'm taking an irrevocable step into the world of boring adulthood.

i dont want my conversations to revolve around financial situations, saving plans. i'm not afraid of the responsibilities, i'm not afraid of the stress, or of the workload. i just dont want to morph into that typical shenton way lunchtime work crowd. i dont want to blend into the canvas of the economy just like that.

and its fucking scary, because every day brings me one step closer to that boring picture.

my number one new year resolution this year, is to enjoy everything while it lasts. savour the remaining days of my almost-defunct-adolescent. fuck la. a-sai. i'm fucking 22 years old. -_-"

yes, i'm fucking 22 years old, and i still occasionally lie to my parents about coming home late. my number two resolution is to lie as little as i possibly can. the truth hurts. but i've had enough of lying, and making up more lies to cover up for the original lie. i'm almost like this compulsive liar now, lying about the most nondescript occurrence to the most trivial characters in the storyboard of my life.

i lied to the borders cashier that i wasn't interested in applying for the membership privileges. and that was the day i spent like $150 on fucking books. and i have this like monthly pilgrimage trip to bookstore. fuck. the number 3 resolution is that i'm going to keep a physical, hard-copy diary. and i'm going to fucking write every-fucking-day. even if its a one liner. i'm going to fucking write.

and its high time i started an offline journal. i'm venomous. my words seem to spread poison further than i think. its fucking ridiculous, but hell yea.

of course the usual apply. that i shall be as happy as i possibly can, and satisfied with whatever i have. that i should think less, and not let the future, which has not happened yet hinder my enjoyment of the present.

oh. and i need to sleep earlier, sleep more, sleep my eye bags away. i'd better start practising.

nights! ^^

random #26

omg.. i totally just bombed the toilet big time. ah ying's half-cooked otahs were honestly the answer to my prayers from my previously constipated days.

i know, i was supposed to blog back then, about the flowers and my "status update". but really, things ended before i even had the chance to do so. well, people who should know, knew, and those who didnt, too bad. i guess, i really have no idea what i want, do i?

gw has been super nice about the whole thing, and he could have potentially been my bestest bf, beating ray by a landslide (and tts saying alot, mind you), if only, if only, if only.

to make the long story short, i asked for the flowers. he delivered. i happily accepted. and then i got scared. i realized i wasnt ready. i realized the last occupant has not moved out of, what i thought was, my vacant heart. my fault, totally. and i should just be glad that he's still on talking terms with me now.

dont ask me what i want, i dont know. or maybe i do, i just refuse to come to terms with them.

things are much too complicated for me to just say what i want to say, and hence the severe lack of updates these days. much also has to do with the fact that i miss my laptop terribly. she seem to have taken a part of me with her. i refuse to send her for servicing. shall make a few more attempts at resurrecting her.

i'm fucking depressed now staring at my greatly-missed-lappie. :(

i miss him too. and it sucks, because enough is never really enough. kk thinks it wont be too long before i make up my mind. he seems to already know my choice though.

blah. till when my lappie recovers, and i have pictures to post.

fuck the laptop

my beloved laptop of 3 and a half years is currently experiencing her first glitch ever. i'm very irritated because the OS wont start properly, which leaves me at the mercy of my brother (and a particular someone, whose smell is ridiculously addictive) whenever i need to go online.

my presence online now is all thanks to the magnanimity of a very tall cherub, who very kindly loaned me a laptop for a few days.

it is a ghastly 4.40am, and i have to wake up early later on. if i didnt want to desperately try to resurrect my laoya beloved lappie, i would have zonked out hours ago. you honestly cannot begin to imagine how luring my bed is, with the smell and everything.

okie. fuck. i failed for the millionth time to resurrect the stupid laptop. i'm so going to sleep. fuck.

fuck. i need my heroin fix.

fuck fuck.