this morning, i received an ultra long and incriminating message from he, who bought me kiwi. i had a long trail of indignant thoughts after reading it, and i planned to blog first thing when i roused myself from bed. but having deleted that message after one glance, i am not able to sum up that 不服气 feeling to complete what i wanted to say.
still..
when you said you wanted to get a laptop for me, i thought you were joking. in all honesty, how much of the shit that you've ever said actually came true? i thought you were joking, and i went along with it. the sunday morning that i met you, i met you thinking, "we're probably going to the it show. we're probably not going to get the laptop. crazy."
the day passed in a blur of fucked up-ness. it rained. you passed me your card. i went to city hall area with fang and lian. i got gw to come down to accompany me to the it show. went to the it show. out of stock. the guy told me to get it at the suntec apple store. went to the apple store. long queue. the guy said we could jump queue. got the laptop. paid. went for dinner. went home.
the reality of it all sunk it when i put down the box in my room. at the corner where i always dump my bags after i come home. i felt like shit. i felt like nonsense. i felt irritated because it was late, and i was sticky and dirty, and mummy was upset that i was home late, and gw was waiting for me to pass him his hard disk, and you were coming over to get your card.
ah fang said that i was exacting my revenge on you. that the laptop was some form of atonement for the shit that you did. it was a form of repentance on your part, towards the goodness that my mom always extended to you. and i couldnt accept that. it went against my 一向的作风, accepting your monetary help.
back then, i made a promise, and i made it known, that i wanted nothing more to do with you. it wasnt a decision that came wit much thought. i was hurt. i was sick and tired of your lies. i was disgusted with you. i was disgusted by my inability to feel the pain. so i thought that writing you out of my life was the best way to handle the situation. 不可能让自己堕落，沉迷下去.
when, during my healing period, you messaged me, i lashed out at you the best way i could. i blogged. i wrote a vindictive open letter to push you as far away as i thought possible.
when, i was too caught up in my life to bother myself with you, you messaged me, i ignored you.
when, i was hurt and laid curled up on my bed, you messaged me, i sympathized with you, and i agreed to meet up, for whatever nonsense that was old times' sake. i met up with you, because i wanted to feel less shitty about myself, by feeling shitty about you. yes, i am selfish and evil. but that is what i've come to realize.
meeting up with you occasionally, milo and set a once a month. i could deal. i enjoyed the company. i enjoyed being able to air out the grievances. because everything in my life was so intricately connected with everything else, you provided an outlet to air the confusion that i was kneading myself into.
despite my repulsion for you, i met up with you.
and then the 1.7k came in.
what are you? trying to buy my friendship? i cried when i saw you that night, because i was guilty. because the 1.7k meant something to you. because my friendship is not a commodity to be bought. because i didnt need kiwi as much as you thought i did. because my need for a laptop was superfluous, to say the least.
it fucking didnt mean i was going to become your good friend, which seemed to be what you inferred. it didnt mean i was ready to tackle your requests to meet me every other day. in my naive mind, i thought nothing was going to change. i thought i could go on with my double life nonsense, and you were just some distant figure i meet up with now and then.
you keep going on with how when i've finally decided to quit playing, i might somehow settle down with you. its never going to happen, and i didnt say it then, because i didnt know how to burst that ridiculous balloon you were blowing. not with all the craziness that was happening around you.
again, i thought you knew. i thought you knew it was never happening with us. i thought you were joking, fabricating some make-shift float to hold on to in the debris of your supposed happily-ever-after that never materialized.
and it fucking scared me to have to handle that shit every day. you didnt see it, did you? that when i woke up, every day for the next 1-2 weeks, i woke up with your missed calls, with your messages that asked if i was ready to stop playing. it fucking scared and irritated me.
no, i am not ready to become your friend. i thought i made it clear when i cried, that i wasnt something you can buy with 1.7k. but apparently, you made it seem like you were buying me over. it would be nice, if i could bring myself to say, you can fuck off with that laptop and vanish from my sight, fucking cheapo. but no, i am too selfish to be nice.
the delicate equilibrium that kept our friendship in sustenance has now been broken. that's all there is to it. i cannot say that it might still happen, the monthly milo meet-ups. because, every thing that comes from you, becomes intricately tied to the 1.7k, which you keep hanging on your lips. and i dont want to be labelled to that.
and besides, i am fucking not playing. i am being torn into two, every freaking day.
it irks me that two months ago, when i gave my entire life over to waiting for cjj to be ready, he couldnt make up his mind, he was fucking ready to spend the rest of our relationship in anonymity. when i've had enough of the coyness and stickiness that emanated from pp and cch, who weren't even together, who were just fucking good friends (in their pathetic excuses), when i wanted to hold his hand in public, when i wanted to be hugged and to have a shoulder to cry on after being groped in stupid patpong, he shrugged, when i handed him the ultimatum to get together or let it all go, he fucking shrugged and walked out of the room.
it broke my heart. and he's broken it thrice now.
in full face of the sweetness, the love, the care, the everything that gw is giving me.
i never blogged about my disappointments in cjj, i never blogged about my guilt for gw. i never blogged about waiting for cjj. i never blogged about my increasing propensity to want to escape into gw's arms. i never blogged about crying. i never blogged about taking long walks in the middle of the night. i never blogged about sitting at the bus stop, at the void deck, at those places near cjj's house in the wee hours of the morning. i never blogged about calling gw when i cant get to sleep.
i never blogged any of those, because my life is spun in an intricate web of mess. because they were good friends, and now, i dunno what's happened to them. because i know fzy is disgusted with me, so is lmy. i am fucking appalled at me too.
i never blogged any of those, because i was afraid i'd send cjj away if i made known i was hurting because of him. it wasnt his fault, when i kept on seeing gw, during the months and weeks when he was insecure about us.
i never blogged any of those, because i was afraid i'd send gw away if he knew i was hurting because of him. it wasnt his fault that he just wanted to love me.
i fucked up. i fucked up big time. i'm fucking up even now, because they need to stay concentrated for the upcoming exams, and i fucked up again by unleashing my fucked-up-ness now.
i am fucking not playing. every freaking day, i am being torn.
so i am surviving. i am living off my parents. i am living off gw. i am living off cjj. do you think i dont want to get a job? do you think i dont have things i want to buy? things that i cant fucking possibly afford to now? i know i'm not looking. honestly, i'm afraid. what if i started, and i cant find any? what if i settle for less, for something that i dont like, and to which i tie myself to for the next few years of my life?
i dont know what i should do now. i dont know where i should go. i wanted to continue studying, because i didnt want to start working. i wanted to continue studying, because a degree in psychology is not going to get me where i want to. but the course was not what i had in mind, and i'm not going to spend another year, and end up back at square 1, thinking that i made the wrong choice.
career paths are constantly being paved in front of me. choices are limited. but choices are there. and i dont know which path to embark on. in time, it will come. until then, i should just get another fucking temp job to sustain myself.
and the fucked up 2-2 home draw. fucked up 89th minute fucking equalizer.
