i think i'll try.. muahaha..
was telling gw i wanna do something drastic to my hair.. maybe i'll make this my PERMANENT hairstyle!! muahaha..
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
one week later
it's 7am, 2805, thursday. fucking thursday.
i'm sorry i wasnt there for you this time last week to ease your fears and tell you how much i loved you. now that i'm no longer by your side, i wish you wont ever have those frightful nightmares again.
its kinda ironic. some white tiger elsewhere in the world (new zealand) mauled a zookeeper to death.
its ironic because it happened here last time he dumped me.
damn sad. the man died on the spot and they supposedly destroyed the tiger. :(
i'm sorry i wasnt there for you this time last week to ease your fears and tell you how much i loved you. now that i'm no longer by your side, i wish you wont ever have those frightful nightmares again.
its kinda ironic. some white tiger elsewhere in the world (new zealand) mauled a zookeeper to death.
its ironic because it happened here last time he dumped me.
damn sad. the man died on the spot and they supposedly destroyed the tiger. :(
FUCK!
i was thinking how i would spend the rest of my day, and then i realise..
FUCK! its thursday. i have fucking jap class.
FUCK! i havent revise.
FUCK! cannot sleep for too long.
FUCK! i didnt attend last week's lesson, which means extra revision.
FUCK! marks the first week of my abandonment. (i honestly dont want to loserishly mark my days, like i did back then. but how not to, when he made me cry my eyes so hard i couldnt possibly attend the class.)
and ya la..
FUCK! man utd didnt win the quadruple. i was looking at my past entries to see when terry tio tiang, and i realised, that day was the first time he appeared in my blog, by means of a quote. well, we'll never have that innocent chatter anymore la. maybe one day we will. but that day is far far far far far away.
FUCK! i miss him liao la..
FUCK! i had a heavy breakfast, cannot sleep yet.
FUCK! will fat la..
FUCK! its thursday. i have fucking jap class.
FUCK! i havent revise.
FUCK! cannot sleep for too long.
FUCK! i didnt attend last week's lesson, which means extra revision.
FUCK! marks the first week of my abandonment. (i honestly dont want to loserishly mark my days, like i did back then. but how not to, when he made me cry my eyes so hard i couldnt possibly attend the class.)
and ya la..
FUCK! man utd didnt win the quadruple. i was looking at my past entries to see when terry tio tiang, and i realised, that day was the first time he appeared in my blog, by means of a quote. well, we'll never have that innocent chatter anymore la. maybe one day we will. but that day is far far far far far away.
FUCK! i miss him liao la..
FUCK! i had a heavy breakfast, cannot sleep yet.
FUCK! will fat la..
ah fang loves me la.
this is part of what ah fang got me for my birthday. the silly woman who does silly things. :(
feel completely useless now. because despite everybody's care and concern, i'm still doing all the wrong things.
like still hanging on to that lost love. really, crying in the shower made me realise i still fucking love chester.
like not making things clear with gaowei, and letting that complicated relationship continue. :(
i know i need to wake up. and walk away from it. :(
happy birthday to me. (i know, over le. but i'm the queen. my birthday is an elaborate celebration that spans the entire month. makes me feel better by thinking that may and all the good things that came with it was chester's present to me, instead of abandoning me 2 days before the actual day.)
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
thank you for making my birthday special.
birthday, is in itself, just another ordinary day.
but this ordinary day has been made special.
by gaowei, who has made every attempt to ensure i was smiling, and who spent his last cent on a bouquet of roses. he wanted to get me tulips, but wasnt able to find it at the few florists he went to. so then, roses.
by mummy and daddy, who worried i would be unhappy.
by the many well wishes i received via sms. and those who left a message on my facebook wall.
by yonghui, tanpengngee and the ang sisters for the mj.
and especially so by ah fang, who surprised me at the last moments of the day, appearing with a cake at my house. -_-"
i honestly wanted to let the day pass in peace. i was afraid it might trigger unpleasant memories. but the day went by better than i had expected. sure, there were moments when i got stuck in the 'what-ifs' and 'why-nots' of my very complicated love life and relationship status, but at least i was happy.
i really dont want to think about my relationship with gaowei now. at this point, all i know is that i'm still completely unable to let go of chester. for unknown reasons, a part of me simply refuse to let it go yet. even limchiehsern expressed his surprise at the immensity of my love for him. weird, but true. when you love somebody like super alot, it takes damn fucking long to get over it, or even want to get over it.
i'm going to go nap now. i hope i stop dreaming of chester. because everytime i wake up from those dreams, well, it hurts to know they were merely dreams.
but this ordinary day has been made special.
by gaowei, who has made every attempt to ensure i was smiling, and who spent his last cent on a bouquet of roses. he wanted to get me tulips, but wasnt able to find it at the few florists he went to. so then, roses.
by mummy and daddy, who worried i would be unhappy.
by the many well wishes i received via sms. and those who left a message on my facebook wall.
by yonghui, tanpengngee and the ang sisters for the mj.
and especially so by ah fang, who surprised me at the last moments of the day, appearing with a cake at my house. -_-"
i honestly wanted to let the day pass in peace. i was afraid it might trigger unpleasant memories. but the day went by better than i had expected. sure, there were moments when i got stuck in the 'what-ifs' and 'why-nots' of my very complicated love life and relationship status, but at least i was happy.
i really dont want to think about my relationship with gaowei now. at this point, all i know is that i'm still completely unable to let go of chester. for unknown reasons, a part of me simply refuse to let it go yet. even limchiehsern expressed his surprise at the immensity of my love for him. weird, but true. when you love somebody like super alot, it takes damn fucking long to get over it, or even want to get over it.
i'm going to go nap now. i hope i stop dreaming of chester. because everytime i wake up from those dreams, well, it hurts to know they were merely dreams.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
ah fang~~
ah fang that stupid woman sent the unappreciative bitch, ie me, an email this afternoon, with a powerpoint attachment.
she somemore can say my many many photos blog entry on her birthday made her very touched. she jit tao more power lor! doing a powerpoint like that in the midst of her many many assignments. (maybe her effort for me is the reason lian mei got pissed off with her. but knowing her, lian mei one confirm more power. -_-")
or skarly she long long ago do liao.
earlier, i suddenly had an idea what her 'bought wrong model, but ship back very troublesome' gift for me was, and i told gaowei about it. i really think i'm correct sia. shall see if i am. this is getting very exciting all of a sudden.
her powerpoint makes the hog's breath, sunflower and tamagotchi pale in supreme comparison. (ps. those were the things smelly chester promised.)
and i've yet to give her my reply.
so i'm 23. not very old (yet), but not that young either.
well, i think i am getting younger la. at least the comments i have been getting seem to indicate so.
you see, at the career fair i went with gaowei a few months ago, those irritating promoters kept asking if i wanted to get a degree, kept asserting that i'd recently graduated from poly, or *gasp* ite.
and while out shopping for my running shoes (ya, i finally went to get a pair of proper running shoes) with my very tall friend (he's 1.98, makes me feel damn short. and i'm not used to feeling short. dont like feeling short.), the uncle asked if i was still studying and when i told him i'd graduated, he asked, 'oh, graduated, 'o' levels ar?
so you see, i AM getting younger la. looking the part, at least. ^^
and ya, last year, we had kim gary, cablecar, starbucks, and a pink lightbulb. last year we also had k box with sai king and your brother singing 你是我的花朵. damn classic.
this year,
let's have astons for lunch la. cheaper, nicer, and not as smelly as the other two options.
then can go philatelic museum. because i suaku, never go before. skarly not very big, can still go national museum. and art museum. and all the artsy fartsy places. and for that, i think the dress code is tourisy. like cap and shades and camera hanging style. bring poncho also. kiasu tourist.
after that, rest at wherever is near ba. all three selections for high tea machiam is expensive one.
and then, you already know i want to go yangtze la. still need to ask? thats why wear cap and shades. cuz paisae wait people recognize. bring poncho so can cover seat. here on is can ask more people also. cuz i scared ar. later we two kena raped by old tikos.
i think i will still not be hungry by then, but for the sake of dinner, let's shokudo. the pizza is nice, and i want the mochi greentea ice kachang thing.
at night, we is must see whether got other people coming or not, if not, prawning will be good. cuz i think go east coast, flyer or esplanade later lian mei is will jealous and hantam me. i scared. if got more people, prawning also still can, and sing song is also good.
i is already smiling. muahahaha. and i think i know my present. muahahahahaha..
she somemore can say my many many photos blog entry on her birthday made her very touched. she jit tao more power lor! doing a powerpoint like that in the midst of her many many assignments. (maybe her effort for me is the reason lian mei got pissed off with her. but knowing her, lian mei one confirm more power. -_-")
or skarly she long long ago do liao.
earlier, i suddenly had an idea what her 'bought wrong model, but ship back very troublesome' gift for me was, and i told gaowei about it. i really think i'm correct sia. shall see if i am. this is getting very exciting all of a sudden.
her powerpoint makes the hog's breath, sunflower and tamagotchi pale in supreme comparison. (ps. those were the things smelly chester promised.)
and i've yet to give her my reply.
so i'm 23. not very old (yet), but not that young either.
well, i think i am getting younger la. at least the comments i have been getting seem to indicate so.
you see, at the career fair i went with gaowei a few months ago, those irritating promoters kept asking if i wanted to get a degree, kept asserting that i'd recently graduated from poly, or *gasp* ite.
and while out shopping for my running shoes (ya, i finally went to get a pair of proper running shoes) with my very tall friend (he's 1.98, makes me feel damn short. and i'm not used to feeling short. dont like feeling short.), the uncle asked if i was still studying and when i told him i'd graduated, he asked, 'oh, graduated, 'o' levels ar?
so you see, i AM getting younger la. looking the part, at least. ^^
and ya, last year, we had kim gary, cablecar, starbucks, and a pink lightbulb. last year we also had k box with sai king and your brother singing 你是我的花朵. damn classic.
this year,
let's have astons for lunch la. cheaper, nicer, and not as smelly as the other two options.
then can go philatelic museum. because i suaku, never go before. skarly not very big, can still go national museum. and art museum. and all the artsy fartsy places. and for that, i think the dress code is tourisy. like cap and shades and camera hanging style. bring poncho also. kiasu tourist.
after that, rest at wherever is near ba. all three selections for high tea machiam is expensive one.
and then, you already know i want to go yangtze la. still need to ask? thats why wear cap and shades. cuz paisae wait people recognize. bring poncho so can cover seat. here on is can ask more people also. cuz i scared ar. later we two kena raped by old tikos.
i think i will still not be hungry by then, but for the sake of dinner, let's shokudo. the pizza is nice, and i want the mochi greentea ice kachang thing.
at night, we is must see whether got other people coming or not, if not, prawning will be good. cuz i think go east coast, flyer or esplanade later lian mei is will jealous and hantam me. i scared. if got more people, prawning also still can, and sing song is also good.
i is already smiling. muahahaha. and i think i know my present. muahahahahaha..
chester. gaowei. pendulum. that bitch.
it has been 22 long years. and i ought to enter my 23rd by addressing some issues (which i've repeated like a million times in the last 3 fuckingly long days). and the last part, the 1.7k photo, which i have to upload. sickeningly so.
chester entered my life. created a big bang, destroyed parts of it. but he has left. and i've cried hard over spilt milk. its time to accept that he left. its time to let the memories pass. i'm getting tired of crying, of feeling upset at the fleeting moments when i glimpse him in my past. i think the people around me, people who care about me, people who heard me talk about it, and the random strangers who peep into my ridiculously boring life has gotten sick of my relentless whining.
the bigger issue is gaowei. because of the sudden-ness in which chester took his exit from my life, because of my stubborn-ness and the refusal to accept his yet again exodus, because of the implications that it may have on their many mutual friends, i havent been able to properly recognise my feelings in entirety when it comes to gaowei.
i have spent my past two days swinging across two opposite ends of the pendulum. i completely acknowledge the need to let go of my immense feelings for chester. i know for a fact that i have to let him go. each time he leaves, is one time too many. so there, no confusion about that. i need to stop loserish-ly staring at his msn nickname, at the facebook page, at the name in my pretty phone, so i've deleted them all.
now though, my yin and yang, my pendulum -
for one, i think, whenever people enter a relationship, whatever be their reason, the motivation will always be to see it through. people believe that their current relationship will be the last. and that was the mantra i had in mind, the two times i started holding gaowei's hand. officially, there has only been one. but to me, i've always felt that the close to 2 months, during which chester faded out of my life, counted as the second phase in my relationship with gaowei.
i've never doubted the fact that gaowei loves me very much. i've never hidden the fact that i think i may never be able to feel for him as much as he does for me, or as much as i did, and still do for chester. but in all honesty, and despite the eventual disparity, i did believe in the possibility of a happy future with gaowei.
ryan tells me that as my friend, he hopes that i will soon get over chester, and eventually, fall for gaowei. he sees, as well as i do, that it's near impossible to find someone who will treat me with the same niceness and give me the same amount of love that gaowei has given me.
and that's part of how i felt when i read the message he sent at the first moment into my birthday. i wanted to believe in him. i wanted to believe in being happy. i wanted to believe in being loved. and i admit, i wanted to selfishly be loved, and protected, and held, by him.
but, reasoning has not failed me. it remains a fact that i've all but hurt him time and again. it remains a possibility, a huge possibility, that i may be using him as my rebound. i may be using him to seek refuge, to take shelter, to hide away, in these times of pain.
i've said the mean-nest possible things i could think of to him. i've pushed him to the brink of collapse. but he stands up and offers his hand to me. i blamed him for my failing relationship with chester, even though in the depths of my heart, i know that he has been nothing but nice, that he has given nothing but love. i explicitly stated that i will never love him. i exerted that his presence will be detrimental to my healing process. i painted a conniving picture of myself, as a manipulative, easy, casual, bitch. and still, he hides his disappointment and his sadness to tell me that he wants to help me get through my pain.
i dont want to hurt him anymore. each sadness that pricks him, is unwarranted and uncalled for. each tear that escapes his eye will brandish me one time in hell. i dont want to cause him anymore pain than i already, unjustly, have.
i have been the crack in his friendship with the people whom he holds dearly to his heart. and this is the biggest piece of my guilt. i honestly dont think i am worth his efforts. i am in pain, i am sad. but it doesnt sanction, in the slightest, the hurt that i've caused him.
and when he stared at me with hopeful eyes as i read that same aforementioned message, i felt the pain and the guilt. the odds are too great, and i am too fearful of believing in the slight chance of that future with him.
as much as he keeps telling me that he will find a way to make things work, that inability to answer james', dominique's, and i dont know whoever else's concern, is enough to disregard his likelihood in really making things work.
i want chester to be happy yes, but i want it for gaowei even more. because of the pain that i've caused. because he deserves to be happy. because he would have been happy, if not for me.
and then, he tells me that his happiness is with me. he tells me that making sure i was fine is more important than his happiness.
i have no more strength left to deny him. the streets fill with memories that still illicit pain. across me sits possible happiness. but guilt stares in my face, guilt screams in my ears, guilt pierces me right through the core, guilt consumes me from within, guilt suffocates my entire being.
i cant do this anymore. i cant even continue to write, because i dont know where to stop. its a fucking mess of confused thoughts streaming around my head.
i am sorry. i feel sorry. i'm not trying to absolve me of the guilt. i'm just tired of trying to pretend i know what i want, when every-fucking-body knows i dont.
happy birthday to me. happy fucking birthday to asinine me.
and now, the 1.7k photo. the 1.7k favour that i feel obligated to return because of the 1.7k laptop and the countless malicious comments that i have legitimately stated time and again on my blog.
and i present to you, in my entire fucking ugliness.
i am fucking pek chek that some nincompoop messaged me at 3 fucking am to be 'sorry to bother (me), can (she) check with (me), if (her) bf, jiesheng is with (me).'
it is my fucking birthday, and i am too self-important to bother myself with her pathetic nonsense.
i dont know her. i dont know how she is as a person. i dont know how she is as a friend. i dont know how she is as a girlfriend. i dont fucking know her at all.
but from what i've heard, and despite my propensity to see the nicer things in ridiculously evil people, like CHANPEILING (i have had fucking enough of writing in acronyms. like people dont know cpl refer to chanpeiling, the evil woman who broke my buddy, ryan's heart. i completely hate her, because despite everything, i fucking stood by and encouraged ryan in his sincere attempts at winning her evil heart.), she is a completely idiotic woman who refuses to see the truth that stares blindingly at her, and listens to the crazy little fucked-up voice in her completely fucked-up mind.
limchiehsern disappeared from my life when i started accusing him of having an agenda for meeting me and buying me my beautiful kiwi. i dont know if he truly harboured any intention for his actions, but the fact remains that he did fuck off when i told him to, and so, i can only assume he didnt.
for reasons only known to her, because all of us know otherwise, she believes that her boyfriend, limchiehsern, has an unhealthy and huge fixation with his pretty ex-girlfriend, me.
fucking irritating to admit, but, wendy is prettier than me, and wendy is the cause of the smoker that limchiehsern has become.
fucking irritating to admit, but jialing is cuter and way nicer than me, and jialing is the cause of the extra semester, and 3-fucking-thousand dollars in fees. not counting the opportunity costs if he were to graduate and enter nie earlier. what is 1.7k?!
fucking irritating to admit, but xinhui or huixin or whatever her name is, she is smarter than me, and she is the cause of the adidas and nike that he had to adorn himself with, in the early part of my pathetic relationship with him. and seeing as he is as stingy as he is, she probably still accounts for a significant proportion of his clothes. or i may be wrong, but i cant be bothered to find out.
limchiehsern met me for lunch this afternoon. he wanted a favour from me. he has seemingly had enough of being accused by that woman, and so he decided to meet me, whether to shut her up, or to grant her legitimacy in her wrongful accusations that has finally come true.
and so he asked that i blog a picture of us together. that is despite my reluctance to be seen in public with him, much less document it in a picture. but i agreed, in consideration of my baby kiwi, and of course because i am hugely nice.
i have done evil. i have been blighted a thousand times over for the evil things i've done. but i hate being accused. i meant to keep it short, but she has tripped my fuse by actually asking all-important ME, on my very sacred birthday, when i had my very important, centre of the entire universe, problems to think about. (i am exaggerating, in case she cant tell when sarcasm is jumping out of the very text.)
I HATE BEING ACCUSED, BUT IF MY ACCUSATION SOMEHOW BRINGS LIMCHIEHSERN DOWN AS WELL, BY ALL MEANS. ACCUSE ME THAT I SET EYES ON LIMCHIEHSERN DURING THE PAST MONTHS. EVEN THOUGH I FUCKING DID NOT. ACCUSE ME AS THE SOURCE IF YOUR FAILING RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS YOUR PATHETIC INABILITY TO SOLVE YOUR OWN PROBLEMS THAT HAD RESULTED IN HIS IMPATIENCE WITH YOU. AND DESPITE THE REPEATED CHANCES THAT HE GAVE, YOU CHOSE TO DROWN IN SELF-PITY AND DRAGGED ME OUT AS A MEANS OF SELF EXONERATION.
what is between the two of you, is between the two of you. if i got my facts wrong, i dont fucking care. its your business, and your business is with limchiehsern.
i am sibeh ke lian now, as you may have read in my blog. i have been dumped. i am wallowing in self pity. i am creating a fresh lake of tears to drown myself in. i am wringing my heart in two. i am squeezing myself dry of happiness.
thank you for your kay-poh-ness and interest in my life. but i fucking dont need your boyfriend to come comfort me. and he, thankfully didnt. thank you also, for providing the reason that was to sustain our scant meet-ups.
please solve your own problem, and get your facts right before you accuse him (like i care) and drag me into the picture with him (eww).
sibeh irritated that i ended up writing more about this inconsequential piece of shit than the love of my life chester and my all important gaowei.
tamade.
the sadness that chester left, the hope for happiness that gaowei gave, even the sweetness of ah fang's birthday powerpoint, which i fully intend to blog about, even my amazement in the discovery that i share the same birthday as the *gasp* night safari, is not able to obliterate the fucking anger that the stupid woman caused by messaging me.
now i am very pissed that i have descended from my very high up in the air pedestal to bother myself with their inconsequential childish squabble.
urgh.
chester entered my life. created a big bang, destroyed parts of it. but he has left. and i've cried hard over spilt milk. its time to accept that he left. its time to let the memories pass. i'm getting tired of crying, of feeling upset at the fleeting moments when i glimpse him in my past. i think the people around me, people who care about me, people who heard me talk about it, and the random strangers who peep into my ridiculously boring life has gotten sick of my relentless whining.
the bigger issue is gaowei. because of the sudden-ness in which chester took his exit from my life, because of my stubborn-ness and the refusal to accept his yet again exodus, because of the implications that it may have on their many mutual friends, i havent been able to properly recognise my feelings in entirety when it comes to gaowei.
i have spent my past two days swinging across two opposite ends of the pendulum. i completely acknowledge the need to let go of my immense feelings for chester. i know for a fact that i have to let him go. each time he leaves, is one time too many. so there, no confusion about that. i need to stop loserish-ly staring at his msn nickname, at the facebook page, at the name in my pretty phone, so i've deleted them all.
now though, my yin and yang, my pendulum -
for one, i think, whenever people enter a relationship, whatever be their reason, the motivation will always be to see it through. people believe that their current relationship will be the last. and that was the mantra i had in mind, the two times i started holding gaowei's hand. officially, there has only been one. but to me, i've always felt that the close to 2 months, during which chester faded out of my life, counted as the second phase in my relationship with gaowei.
i've never doubted the fact that gaowei loves me very much. i've never hidden the fact that i think i may never be able to feel for him as much as he does for me, or as much as i did, and still do for chester. but in all honesty, and despite the eventual disparity, i did believe in the possibility of a happy future with gaowei.
ryan tells me that as my friend, he hopes that i will soon get over chester, and eventually, fall for gaowei. he sees, as well as i do, that it's near impossible to find someone who will treat me with the same niceness and give me the same amount of love that gaowei has given me.
and that's part of how i felt when i read the message he sent at the first moment into my birthday. i wanted to believe in him. i wanted to believe in being happy. i wanted to believe in being loved. and i admit, i wanted to selfishly be loved, and protected, and held, by him.
but, reasoning has not failed me. it remains a fact that i've all but hurt him time and again. it remains a possibility, a huge possibility, that i may be using him as my rebound. i may be using him to seek refuge, to take shelter, to hide away, in these times of pain.
i've said the mean-nest possible things i could think of to him. i've pushed him to the brink of collapse. but he stands up and offers his hand to me. i blamed him for my failing relationship with chester, even though in the depths of my heart, i know that he has been nothing but nice, that he has given nothing but love. i explicitly stated that i will never love him. i exerted that his presence will be detrimental to my healing process. i painted a conniving picture of myself, as a manipulative, easy, casual, bitch. and still, he hides his disappointment and his sadness to tell me that he wants to help me get through my pain.
i dont want to hurt him anymore. each sadness that pricks him, is unwarranted and uncalled for. each tear that escapes his eye will brandish me one time in hell. i dont want to cause him anymore pain than i already, unjustly, have.
i have been the crack in his friendship with the people whom he holds dearly to his heart. and this is the biggest piece of my guilt. i honestly dont think i am worth his efforts. i am in pain, i am sad. but it doesnt sanction, in the slightest, the hurt that i've caused him.
and when he stared at me with hopeful eyes as i read that same aforementioned message, i felt the pain and the guilt. the odds are too great, and i am too fearful of believing in the slight chance of that future with him.
as much as he keeps telling me that he will find a way to make things work, that inability to answer james', dominique's, and i dont know whoever else's concern, is enough to disregard his likelihood in really making things work.
i want chester to be happy yes, but i want it for gaowei even more. because of the pain that i've caused. because he deserves to be happy. because he would have been happy, if not for me.
and then, he tells me that his happiness is with me. he tells me that making sure i was fine is more important than his happiness.
i have no more strength left to deny him. the streets fill with memories that still illicit pain. across me sits possible happiness. but guilt stares in my face, guilt screams in my ears, guilt pierces me right through the core, guilt consumes me from within, guilt suffocates my entire being.
i cant do this anymore. i cant even continue to write, because i dont know where to stop. its a fucking mess of confused thoughts streaming around my head.
i am sorry. i feel sorry. i'm not trying to absolve me of the guilt. i'm just tired of trying to pretend i know what i want, when every-fucking-body knows i dont.
happy birthday to me. happy fucking birthday to asinine me.
and now, the 1.7k photo. the 1.7k favour that i feel obligated to return because of the 1.7k laptop and the countless malicious comments that i have legitimately stated time and again on my blog.
and i present to you, in my entire fucking ugliness.
i am fucking pek chek that some nincompoop messaged me at 3 fucking am to be 'sorry to bother (me), can (she) check with (me), if (her) bf, jiesheng is with (me).'
it is my fucking birthday, and i am too self-important to bother myself with her pathetic nonsense.
i dont know her. i dont know how she is as a person. i dont know how she is as a friend. i dont know how she is as a girlfriend. i dont fucking know her at all.
but from what i've heard, and despite my propensity to see the nicer things in ridiculously evil people, like CHANPEILING (i have had fucking enough of writing in acronyms. like people dont know cpl refer to chanpeiling, the evil woman who broke my buddy, ryan's heart. i completely hate her, because despite everything, i fucking stood by and encouraged ryan in his sincere attempts at winning her evil heart.), she is a completely idiotic woman who refuses to see the truth that stares blindingly at her, and listens to the crazy little fucked-up voice in her completely fucked-up mind.
limchiehsern disappeared from my life when i started accusing him of having an agenda for meeting me and buying me my beautiful kiwi. i dont know if he truly harboured any intention for his actions, but the fact remains that he did fuck off when i told him to, and so, i can only assume he didnt.
for reasons only known to her, because all of us know otherwise, she believes that her boyfriend, limchiehsern, has an unhealthy and huge fixation with his pretty ex-girlfriend, me.
fucking irritating to admit, but, wendy is prettier than me, and wendy is the cause of the smoker that limchiehsern has become.
fucking irritating to admit, but jialing is cuter and way nicer than me, and jialing is the cause of the extra semester, and 3-fucking-thousand dollars in fees. not counting the opportunity costs if he were to graduate and enter nie earlier. what is 1.7k?!
fucking irritating to admit, but xinhui or huixin or whatever her name is, she is smarter than me, and she is the cause of the adidas and nike that he had to adorn himself with, in the early part of my pathetic relationship with him. and seeing as he is as stingy as he is, she probably still accounts for a significant proportion of his clothes. or i may be wrong, but i cant be bothered to find out.
limchiehsern met me for lunch this afternoon. he wanted a favour from me. he has seemingly had enough of being accused by that woman, and so he decided to meet me, whether to shut her up, or to grant her legitimacy in her wrongful accusations that has finally come true.
and so he asked that i blog a picture of us together. that is despite my reluctance to be seen in public with him, much less document it in a picture. but i agreed, in consideration of my baby kiwi, and of course because i am hugely nice.
i have done evil. i have been blighted a thousand times over for the evil things i've done. but i hate being accused. i meant to keep it short, but she has tripped my fuse by actually asking all-important ME, on my very sacred birthday, when i had my very important, centre of the entire universe, problems to think about. (i am exaggerating, in case she cant tell when sarcasm is jumping out of the very text.)
I HATE BEING ACCUSED, BUT IF MY ACCUSATION SOMEHOW BRINGS LIMCHIEHSERN DOWN AS WELL, BY ALL MEANS. ACCUSE ME THAT I SET EYES ON LIMCHIEHSERN DURING THE PAST MONTHS. EVEN THOUGH I FUCKING DID NOT. ACCUSE ME AS THE SOURCE IF YOUR FAILING RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS YOUR PATHETIC INABILITY TO SOLVE YOUR OWN PROBLEMS THAT HAD RESULTED IN HIS IMPATIENCE WITH YOU. AND DESPITE THE REPEATED CHANCES THAT HE GAVE, YOU CHOSE TO DROWN IN SELF-PITY AND DRAGGED ME OUT AS A MEANS OF SELF EXONERATION.
what is between the two of you, is between the two of you. if i got my facts wrong, i dont fucking care. its your business, and your business is with limchiehsern.
i am sibeh ke lian now, as you may have read in my blog. i have been dumped. i am wallowing in self pity. i am creating a fresh lake of tears to drown myself in. i am wringing my heart in two. i am squeezing myself dry of happiness.
thank you for your kay-poh-ness and interest in my life. but i fucking dont need your boyfriend to come comfort me. and he, thankfully didnt. thank you also, for providing the reason that was to sustain our scant meet-ups.
please solve your own problem, and get your facts right before you accuse him (like i care) and drag me into the picture with him (eww).
sibeh irritated that i ended up writing more about this inconsequential piece of shit than the love of my life chester and my all important gaowei.
tamade.
the sadness that chester left, the hope for happiness that gaowei gave, even the sweetness of ah fang's birthday powerpoint, which i fully intend to blog about, even my amazement in the discovery that i share the same birthday as the *gasp* night safari, is not able to obliterate the fucking anger that the stupid woman caused by messaging me.
now i am very pissed that i have descended from my very high up in the air pedestal to bother myself with their inconsequential childish squabble.
urgh.
Monday, May 25, 2009
pretty things in life
i'm still in a rather gloomy mood, but the dark clouds are lifting already. when you dont keep dwelling on it, and force yourself to look at the brighter side of life, life gets easier. ^^
there are still the untimely moments when certain things trigger certain memories. but they were good times, and i shall be glad we shared happiness between us.
occasionally, we ought to remind ourselves of the pretty things in life. like my new nail colour and the pillowy domo.
i'm gg to watch devdas now. ^^
there are still the untimely moments when certain things trigger certain memories. but they were good times, and i shall be glad we shared happiness between us.
occasionally, we ought to remind ourselves of the pretty things in life. like my new nail colour and the pillowy domo.
i'm gg to watch devdas now. ^^
Sunday, May 24, 2009
chen bao bei
the first time he left me, the first time he said he couldnt live with the possibility of having to bear the guilt if i ever did anything silly for him. (i said, i was so fucking lost i felt like jumping out the window. and it broke the straw on his skinny camel's back.) and i had that song on loop for days. i kept crying and crying and crying and crying.
i keep crying and singing and crying and singing. i also had to stop singing halfway through during ktv sessions because i was afraid i'd start crying. i told them i couldnt reach the high notes. i never tried.
after that, i listened to this song. it helped keep my sanity.
along with gw, who appeared when i was nursing my broken heart, and he was nursing his shattered love. and we walked each other out of sadness.
when he came back in november. when he made me consider the possibility of getting back together, when he told me that he loved me still, i pulled the emergency brakes on my life and ran back to that possibility. but when he stepped back a week later. when he admitted his feelings for someone else, when he openly flirted with her in my presence, when people reported their observations of his coy behavior towards her, when she talked to me and i realised that i liked her as well, the last vestige of my self worth disappeared.
and i listened to this.
and i listened to it everywhere. and i cried everywhere.
that was me, the morning after i cried my eyes swollen. and my throat was parched, and all i could think about was why he had to come back, only to close the door again. (it was a fucking 5 minutes song, and i'm lazy to upload the entire shit now. enough embarrassment for now.)
and i ran right back into gw's waiting arms. when i cry, he made me smile. when i couldnt sleep, he sang me to sleep. when i woke up with nightmares, he calmed me down. when i had midnight supper cravings, he ate with me.
despite everything that gw did, despite getting me flowers right after i asked. despite all of it, i cowered back into that semi-life with him when he appeared with his meaningless messages, all the promises unfulfilled.
he said he wanted to spend christmas and new year with me, and i kept myself free for him. but all it meant to him, was slotting me into that tiny space before/after the mahjong sessions.
bangkok was his idea of a redemption. whether for our dismissal from pools, or from his lack of action towards me, i never knew. bangkok was the worst thing that happened to us.
did it matter? that pathetic comeback excuse? when i was groped at patpong, when i needed a hand to hold, when i needed a shoulder to cry on, when pong pong and jared openly displayed their affections for each other (yes, they're just good friends. and they were more than us.), all he could to do, is fling my hand away, walk faster, not look at me. and when i threw everything away to ask if he believed in us, he closed the door and left me crying for the three seconds before pong pong came back from supper with jared.
he promised to have it resolved when we came back. but all i heard from him for the next month, was his repeated excuse that 'no job = no money' 'exams = no time'. mahjong sessions after mahjong sessions. games after games. i was repulsive? all i could do was retreat to my corner, until i became so small. until i vanished completely. he didnt want me, someone else did.
and despite having promised a future with gw, despite everything gw did, despite the heartache, the mistrust, the fear, all the fucking odds against a tiny possibility, i took that miniscule hope and flopped right into his life. again and again. no matter, however. despite everything, i still love him. and here, its happened again. he's disappeared again.
i didnt make much of an effort to solve things the first time round. i confusedly tried to argue my way out of a confusing situation. i was incoherent. i was nonsense. i contradicted myself. my fault.
i had gw when you had teresa. i accepted his affections for me, while you hid yours. my fault again.
i didnt try hard enough to solve things between us when we were back from bangkok. i was unfaithful. i promised myself to gw without ending things with you. my fault yet again.
i wasnt able to ease your uneasiness with the situation. i tried to balance my way through both of you. i let it drag. i was afraid to affect the exam revisions. i let it drag even longer. i couldnt see your fear. my fault too.
i only have myself to blame for all that's happened. and all i can hope for, is to walk out of this mess, with the ability to still believe in love.
we will never be that again. no matter how hard we try.
it will never work, however much you want it to, because i've tarnished my self worth.
my oceans have dried. your sands melted away.
chen bao bei..
i hope you'll be happy. i've messed up. but i've always only wished you could be happy. please be happy without me. when you wished me away, i tried to be gone. when you wanted me back, i fluttered right back. i'm sorry. i could have loved you more. i should have loved me more.
i'll always love you, and for that, i cant have anything to do with you anymore.
i'll always wonder. (i think i will. but every-fucking-body knows, i'll eventually stop. thats the cruel, harsh, unromantic reality. fuck. i want my fairytale ending.)
zhuo tian tian
i keep crying and singing and crying and singing. i also had to stop singing halfway through during ktv sessions because i was afraid i'd start crying. i told them i couldnt reach the high notes. i never tried.
after that, i listened to this song. it helped keep my sanity.
along with gw, who appeared when i was nursing my broken heart, and he was nursing his shattered love. and we walked each other out of sadness.
when he came back in november. when he made me consider the possibility of getting back together, when he told me that he loved me still, i pulled the emergency brakes on my life and ran back to that possibility. but when he stepped back a week later. when he admitted his feelings for someone else, when he openly flirted with her in my presence, when people reported their observations of his coy behavior towards her, when she talked to me and i realised that i liked her as well, the last vestige of my self worth disappeared.
and i listened to this.
and i listened to it everywhere. and i cried everywhere.
that was me, the morning after i cried my eyes swollen. and my throat was parched, and all i could think about was why he had to come back, only to close the door again. (it was a fucking 5 minutes song, and i'm lazy to upload the entire shit now. enough embarrassment for now.)
and i ran right back into gw's waiting arms. when i cry, he made me smile. when i couldnt sleep, he sang me to sleep. when i woke up with nightmares, he calmed me down. when i had midnight supper cravings, he ate with me.
despite everything that gw did, despite getting me flowers right after i asked. despite all of it, i cowered back into that semi-life with him when he appeared with his meaningless messages, all the promises unfulfilled.
he said he wanted to spend christmas and new year with me, and i kept myself free for him. but all it meant to him, was slotting me into that tiny space before/after the mahjong sessions.
bangkok was his idea of a redemption. whether for our dismissal from pools, or from his lack of action towards me, i never knew. bangkok was the worst thing that happened to us.
did it matter? that pathetic comeback excuse? when i was groped at patpong, when i needed a hand to hold, when i needed a shoulder to cry on, when pong pong and jared openly displayed their affections for each other (yes, they're just good friends. and they were more than us.), all he could to do, is fling my hand away, walk faster, not look at me. and when i threw everything away to ask if he believed in us, he closed the door and left me crying for the three seconds before pong pong came back from supper with jared.
he promised to have it resolved when we came back. but all i heard from him for the next month, was his repeated excuse that 'no job = no money' 'exams = no time'. mahjong sessions after mahjong sessions. games after games. i was repulsive? all i could do was retreat to my corner, until i became so small. until i vanished completely. he didnt want me, someone else did.
and despite having promised a future with gw, despite everything gw did, despite the heartache, the mistrust, the fear, all the fucking odds against a tiny possibility, i took that miniscule hope and flopped right into his life. again and again. no matter, however. despite everything, i still love him. and here, its happened again. he's disappeared again.
i didnt make much of an effort to solve things the first time round. i confusedly tried to argue my way out of a confusing situation. i was incoherent. i was nonsense. i contradicted myself. my fault.
i had gw when you had teresa. i accepted his affections for me, while you hid yours. my fault again.
i didnt try hard enough to solve things between us when we were back from bangkok. i was unfaithful. i promised myself to gw without ending things with you. my fault yet again.
i wasnt able to ease your uneasiness with the situation. i tried to balance my way through both of you. i let it drag. i was afraid to affect the exam revisions. i let it drag even longer. i couldnt see your fear. my fault too.
i only have myself to blame for all that's happened. and all i can hope for, is to walk out of this mess, with the ability to still believe in love.
we will never be that again. no matter how hard we try.
it will never work, however much you want it to, because i've tarnished my self worth.
my oceans have dried. your sands melted away.
chen bao bei..
i hope you'll be happy. i've messed up. but i've always only wished you could be happy. please be happy without me. when you wished me away, i tried to be gone. when you wanted me back, i fluttered right back. i'm sorry. i could have loved you more. i should have loved me more.
i'll always love you, and for that, i cant have anything to do with you anymore.
i'll always wonder. (i think i will. but every-fucking-body knows, i'll eventually stop. thats the cruel, harsh, unromantic reality. fuck. i want my fairytale ending.)
zhuo tian tian
Saturday, May 23, 2009
delete delete delete
i am deleting. realised the futility of it all after having yet another unnecessary conversation. kk used to tell me, cpl hated the fact that he got to decide everything that concerns us. he initiated it. he ended it. he wanted it back. he decided not to. he wanted it back again. and he got cold feet. he wanted it back again. and realise he cannot handle it.
sounds kinda right. but the things that happen in the midst of it all, i think only ppl involved will fully understand. he put in his efforts, i did too. but things are just not meant to be. his fault, yes. my fault too.
i'm terribly upset at the accusation laid by one of his friends. the friend claimed that he didnt understand why was i the one in charge of making the decisions. like i've ever had a say in the whole situation. he didnt know that it was his friend who wanted it, left it, wanted it, left it. he didnt know that i was a silly kitty following following following. he didnt know that there was a silly puppy following following following behind the silly kitty. he didnt know that his friend was a silly hamster. assumptions, people. tsk.
so, delete delete delete.
the more i love the more i delete. deleted msn. deleted facebook. deleted smses. deleted photos. maybe in time i will be able to delete him from my heart. ^^
heng, i havent gotten around to developing photos.
right now, i feel absolutely positive, but if you know me like i do, you'd probably know that the positivity ebbs away in time. it wouldnt take very long, or very much to reduce me to a bundle of nerves. my second foreboding birthday in a row. that stupid cheapo who probably just wanted to save on the present. bleh.
i think i'm really bordering on the edge of depression. i heard voices in my head all last night. i slept with my eyes open. its almost catatonic. the way i desperately tried to reach for my bolster and yet i cant move. its fucking scary this sensation and i havent felt it in a long while.
ok. before i scare ppl, i should really say, i think i was probably sleep walking. ^^
back to the task of deleting. ^^
sounds kinda right. but the things that happen in the midst of it all, i think only ppl involved will fully understand. he put in his efforts, i did too. but things are just not meant to be. his fault, yes. my fault too.
i'm terribly upset at the accusation laid by one of his friends. the friend claimed that he didnt understand why was i the one in charge of making the decisions. like i've ever had a say in the whole situation. he didnt know that it was his friend who wanted it, left it, wanted it, left it. he didnt know that i was a silly kitty following following following. he didnt know that there was a silly puppy following following following behind the silly kitty. he didnt know that his friend was a silly hamster. assumptions, people. tsk.
so, delete delete delete.
the more i love the more i delete. deleted msn. deleted facebook. deleted smses. deleted photos. maybe in time i will be able to delete him from my heart. ^^
heng, i havent gotten around to developing photos.
right now, i feel absolutely positive, but if you know me like i do, you'd probably know that the positivity ebbs away in time. it wouldnt take very long, or very much to reduce me to a bundle of nerves. my second foreboding birthday in a row. that stupid cheapo who probably just wanted to save on the present. bleh.
i think i'm really bordering on the edge of depression. i heard voices in my head all last night. i slept with my eyes open. its almost catatonic. the way i desperately tried to reach for my bolster and yet i cant move. its fucking scary this sensation and i havent felt it in a long while.
ok. before i scare ppl, i should really say, i think i was probably sleep walking. ^^
back to the task of deleting. ^^
Friday, May 22, 2009
random #36
i'm still fluctuating between calmness and total breakdown. (i'll just settle somewhere in between de la. ^^)
not daring to hope. not able to just let it all go like that.
see how. i'm just terribly afraid of being left alone.
not daring to hope. not able to just let it all go like that.
see how. i'm just terribly afraid of being left alone.
random #35
no matter what you do, how much you love me, its him that i want. even if he doesnt want me anymore, even if he no longer comes back, that doesnt mean i'm going to settle for you.
i know you love me. i know you dont even mind that i dont love you, you're more than willing to be here for me, to support me in shitty times like these, to be the person standing next to me. but cant you see? its him that i want. your presence, is not enough.
these are hard times. i'm hurt. i'm broken. the heartache that i feel is real. its constant. its suffocating. its depressing. it shuts out all the hope in the world. it sucks out all the energy that i have left after sleepless nights. i want somebody to lean on. i've been spoilt, i've been pampered. and i dont know how to handle this on my own. but its time i grew up. this is why he had to leave. and if i am to ever find my self worth again, i have to do it on my own.
its hard enough. its hard enough to have to handle all this pain. all the hopes dashed repeatedly. everytime i try to believe in him, he does things to hurt me. but i keep trying. i keep hoping. i keep believing. kk says, 'as long as 2 ppl are willing to work things out together, everything can be solved'. you're not the person i want to work things out with. you've never been. its always you working things out for us. its him i want. its him i love. its him i miss.
it doesnt matter how much i've come to depend on you. it needs to stop. i cant afford to have you here, after all that's happened. i dont want you.
i'm drowning. with you here, i'll never learn to swim. its really hard enough. i dont have the energy left to reason with you, to keep pushing you away.
i know you love me. i just. i just want to love the person that i love. i just want to love him.
i know you love me. i know you dont even mind that i dont love you, you're more than willing to be here for me, to support me in shitty times like these, to be the person standing next to me. but cant you see? its him that i want. your presence, is not enough.
these are hard times. i'm hurt. i'm broken. the heartache that i feel is real. its constant. its suffocating. its depressing. it shuts out all the hope in the world. it sucks out all the energy that i have left after sleepless nights. i want somebody to lean on. i've been spoilt, i've been pampered. and i dont know how to handle this on my own. but its time i grew up. this is why he had to leave. and if i am to ever find my self worth again, i have to do it on my own.
its hard enough. its hard enough to have to handle all this pain. all the hopes dashed repeatedly. everytime i try to believe in him, he does things to hurt me. but i keep trying. i keep hoping. i keep believing. kk says, 'as long as 2 ppl are willing to work things out together, everything can be solved'. you're not the person i want to work things out with. you've never been. its always you working things out for us. its him i want. its him i love. its him i miss.
it doesnt matter how much i've come to depend on you. it needs to stop. i cant afford to have you here, after all that's happened. i dont want you.
i'm drowning. with you here, i'll never learn to swim. its really hard enough. i dont have the energy left to reason with you, to keep pushing you away.
i know you love me. i just. i just want to love the person that i love. i just want to love him.
random #34
he used to read my blog. i wonder if he still do. i wonder if he had done so at all, yesterday. and if he had, how did it make him feel? but i guess not. there's no reason for him to do so.
it hurts. i can't say if it was worse the first few times or if it hurts more now. pain is pain, no matter how much. it's just stupid because i keep switching between 'it's his lost' and 'he still loves me'. like i keep changing my wallpaper. like i keep staring at his name in my call list. like i keep typing messages after unsent messages. it hurts because i'm afraid to give up.
can you look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me anymore? i'm so lost. i can't work up the courage to call him again. to send him a message. or an email. why? can't you hug me like you did 2 days ago? after all these while, don't you believe that i love you? don't you see that no matter what he does or what anyone do, all i can think of is you? you said you won't care about anything else. that our relationship was second priority after the exams. you said you'd trust me wholeheartedly. i told you i'd rather not because i want to have to earn it back. but don't you anymore?
i made a mistake. i was lost. i was afraid. i didnt know what to do. can't we work it out? are we giving up again, just like that? i dont have pressing needs to take my mind off the issue. i dont have work to drown my sadness out. i dont have ppl to talk to, to make me feel better. i didnt know better, and i dumped it all on him. but i want to change. i know i have to. even if this doesnt happen, i know i'll have to.
i'm afraid to call him. i'm afraid to ask. in what capacity can i? when i've all but begged. when he's got more important things to worry about and i was a thorn in his mind. i've always been your burden, havent i? its why they all dont want us back together, isnt it? everybody thinks eventually, i'd leave you, even you. but i havent. i didnt. i dont think i will.
i'm just a lost girl confusedly trying to argue her way out of a painful, confusing situation. can you love me? cant we work it out?
everything that we've been through. doesnt it warrant at least another try?
fuck. tries after tries. time after time. tears after tears. struggles after struggles. but i still fucking love you.
i fucking love you.
i fucking love you.
i fucking love you.
it hurts. i can't say if it was worse the first few times or if it hurts more now. pain is pain, no matter how much. it's just stupid because i keep switching between 'it's his lost' and 'he still loves me'. like i keep changing my wallpaper. like i keep staring at his name in my call list. like i keep typing messages after unsent messages. it hurts because i'm afraid to give up.
can you look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me anymore? i'm so lost. i can't work up the courage to call him again. to send him a message. or an email. why? can't you hug me like you did 2 days ago? after all these while, don't you believe that i love you? don't you see that no matter what he does or what anyone do, all i can think of is you? you said you won't care about anything else. that our relationship was second priority after the exams. you said you'd trust me wholeheartedly. i told you i'd rather not because i want to have to earn it back. but don't you anymore?
i made a mistake. i was lost. i was afraid. i didnt know what to do. can't we work it out? are we giving up again, just like that? i dont have pressing needs to take my mind off the issue. i dont have work to drown my sadness out. i dont have ppl to talk to, to make me feel better. i didnt know better, and i dumped it all on him. but i want to change. i know i have to. even if this doesnt happen, i know i'll have to.
i'm afraid to call him. i'm afraid to ask. in what capacity can i? when i've all but begged. when he's got more important things to worry about and i was a thorn in his mind. i've always been your burden, havent i? its why they all dont want us back together, isnt it? everybody thinks eventually, i'd leave you, even you. but i havent. i didnt. i dont think i will.
i'm just a lost girl confusedly trying to argue her way out of a painful, confusing situation. can you love me? cant we work it out?
everything that we've been through. doesnt it warrant at least another try?
fuck. tries after tries. time after time. tears after tears. struggles after struggles. but i still fucking love you.
i fucking love you.
i fucking love you.
i fucking love you.
random #33
this is it again, this is the time of my life when i feel like blogging every minute. consequence of the fact that i dont have many who i can talk to. and the few that i have, i wont be able to tell the complete picture. i wont hide the entries, despite them being in a state of unfit for publication. its a healing journey!!
it sucks that at this instance, i'm hoping he changes his mind. i'm still hoping it was an impulse decision. but i guess not. this thing, keeps recurring. it might be better to let the love drown out in all the pain that surrounds now. it would suck to have to go through this repeatedly.
i told him this afternoon, that what's happening now is just another stamp in the 'to be loved is better than to love' card. he thinks i'm being drastic. like how i told him back then that i find it increasing hard to believe in love. one day, i might become someone who sleeps around for that instantaneous physical contact and comfort. its hard to believe in love when ppl you love continually disappoint you. and i'm not just talking about relationships.
i need to stop thinking about cjj, but somehow, i hope i dont. there's no wait this time. because i've been waiting all this time. when he puts a stop to the wait, whats left that i can do?
i honestly think, i've done everything i could in this fucked up relationship. i dont dare to hope anymore, and i dont dare to think that i dont hope anymore. because i'm scared. i just hope the love slowly goes away, because i dont dare confront it. and i no longer have my cushion to fall back on.
in any case, MUST STAY POSITIVE. shall swoon over how fucking shuai nick carter is. ^^
it sucks that at this instance, i'm hoping he changes his mind. i'm still hoping it was an impulse decision. but i guess not. this thing, keeps recurring. it might be better to let the love drown out in all the pain that surrounds now. it would suck to have to go through this repeatedly.
i told him this afternoon, that what's happening now is just another stamp in the 'to be loved is better than to love' card. he thinks i'm being drastic. like how i told him back then that i find it increasing hard to believe in love. one day, i might become someone who sleeps around for that instantaneous physical contact and comfort. its hard to believe in love when ppl you love continually disappoint you. and i'm not just talking about relationships.
i need to stop thinking about cjj, but somehow, i hope i dont. there's no wait this time. because i've been waiting all this time. when he puts a stop to the wait, whats left that i can do?
i honestly think, i've done everything i could in this fucked up relationship. i dont dare to hope anymore, and i dont dare to think that i dont hope anymore. because i'm scared. i just hope the love slowly goes away, because i dont dare confront it. and i no longer have my cushion to fall back on.
in any case, MUST STAY POSITIVE. shall swoon over how fucking shuai nick carter is. ^^
Thursday, May 21, 2009
sometimes love just aint enough
I don't wanna use you
just to have sombody by my side
And I don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Now I could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just want to have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
And there's no way home
when it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
there beside you where I used to lay
And there's a Danger in Loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
eventually, the yellow submarine sinks. batman will always disappear into the darkness.
the whole cjj-gw-me triangle.. its come to an end. gw says he's never seen me cry so badly before. i think i have. i hope i wont again. i dont want to have anything to do with either of them anymore. cjj says, i would be happier without him in the equation. he doesnt know the whole equation is him.
gw.. is someone who'd always be here whenever i need him. he's someone who'd squeeze my hand when i'm sad because my sadness makes him sadder. he's someone who will never hurt me. and yet, i keep hurting him the way cjj hurts me.
i hurt gw when cjj hurt me. i hurt gw when cjj doesnt hurt me.
i dont want to become cpl. there were times when i honestly thought, someday i would be able to accept gw and love him for all his love for me. i dont want to become cpl. but today, i know, chances are, it wont happen that way. i dont want to become cpl and knowingly lead gw on when i no longer believe in the possibility of an us. it has to end.
cjj says its flawed. that i'd willingly be with someone i dont love. is it wrong? when the ppl i love has been nothing but pain, to want to seek solace with someone who loves me?
no matter what happened, i still do love him. i just hope, someday, it'd all stop. its been hard, no having anyone to talk to.
backstreet boys
once upon a time, i was a huge BACKSTREET BOYS fan. and so were you. dont lie. unless you prefered poseurs nsync, then you've got lousy taste.
i could, and maybe still can, sing ALL the songs on their first 3~4 albums. ya, even up till loserish black and blue, which i have got two copies, because i lent some asshole my first copy, and when he/she returned it, the booklet was tattered and all, so i went and got another one. -_-"
i also had two copies of millenium, because of some stupid limited edition thingy, and i gave the normal-looking one to some stingy shit who refused to buy it.
i looked everywhere for the limited edition version of backstreets' back which came with the christmas time single, and i fucking got conned by some online seller who sold me that version, without the damn single.
i also went to bought this tape of some concert, but i've never watched it, because my house didnt have a vcr player ever since.
okie, i sound like some over-excited teenager gushing over her idol crush. in any case, i'm going to go watch bsb mtvs liao.. woohoo~~
and oh, my favourite song, which i listened to like a thousand times on the old, slow, antiquated computer outside my grandma's bedroom back then.
and i fainted when he sang, 'i see heaven in your eyes'. no, its not the same as i need you tonight.
once upon a time, i loved the backstreet boys.
ps. kind of unrelated, but..
i could, and maybe still can, sing ALL the songs on their first 3~4 albums. ya, even up till loserish black and blue, which i have got two copies, because i lent some asshole my first copy, and when he/she returned it, the booklet was tattered and all, so i went and got another one. -_-"
i also had two copies of millenium, because of some stupid limited edition thingy, and i gave the normal-looking one to some stingy shit who refused to buy it.
i looked everywhere for the limited edition version of backstreets' back which came with the christmas time single, and i fucking got conned by some online seller who sold me that version, without the damn single.
i also went to bought this tape of some concert, but i've never watched it, because my house didnt have a vcr player ever since.
okie, i sound like some over-excited teenager gushing over her idol crush. in any case, i'm going to go watch bsb mtvs liao.. woohoo~~
and oh, my favourite song, which i listened to like a thousand times on the old, slow, antiquated computer outside my grandma's bedroom back then.
and i fainted when he sang, 'i see heaven in your eyes'. no, its not the same as i need you tonight.
once upon a time, i loved the backstreet boys.
ps. kind of unrelated, but..
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
damned cockroach
i can't stop crying now, because of a stupid cockroach that's hid itself in some forgotten corner in my room. mummy had to chide me twice because she was afraid my hysterical streams might wake daddy up.
fucking hate cockroaches. i'm not usually this timid. fuck.
i quite like this picture
lgw liked this one though. i thought i looked weird.
and here, ah fang say nice.
and no, i'm not attached to either at the moment. time will reveal my choice i guess. its not a fight, there's no competition. i just happened to be caught between a pair of friends. or maybe i chose to tangle myself to them. either way, the whole situation does break my heart in more ways than you can imagine.
and the damned cockroach seems adamant on not leaving its hiding place. it wont take me 15 hours to hunt down the fucker, the way mas selamat took the authorities 15 months to hunt him down. bloody hell.
fucking hate cockroaches. i'm not usually this timid. fuck.
i quite like this picture
lgw liked this one though. i thought i looked weird.
and here, ah fang say nice.
and no, i'm not attached to either at the moment. time will reveal my choice i guess. its not a fight, there's no competition. i just happened to be caught between a pair of friends. or maybe i chose to tangle myself to them. either way, the whole situation does break my heart in more ways than you can imagine.
and the damned cockroach seems adamant on not leaving its hiding place. it wont take me 15 hours to hunt down the fucker, the way mas selamat took the authorities 15 months to hunt him down. bloody hell.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
hmmm
1. i was scratching my shoulder
2. i only wore one shoe
3. my sock(s, but you cant see the other, so no s) matches the dress
4. i was in a proper dress
5. never zao gng, no need to zoom
Friday, May 8, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
random #32
ah fang texted me this morning to indicate her profound desire to go clubbing. and despite the relative lack of activity in my life the last few weeks, i am completely indifferent her message.
i, in actuality, tremendously feel like ktving.
fuck. i wanna ktv la. :( i want to sing song.
oh yes, i'm really at work now. totally bored to tears. i'm trying to slow down, lest i run out of things to do in awhile.
blah.. i'm going back to slog now. :(
i, in actuality, tremendously feel like ktving.
fuck. i wanna ktv la. :( i want to sing song.
oh yes, i'm really at work now. totally bored to tears. i'm trying to slow down, lest i run out of things to do in awhile.
blah.. i'm going back to slog now. :(
Monday, May 4, 2009
random #31
well, i thought i looked pretty here. so,
and nope, we're not back together. not yet, and i dont know for sure if we will be. he reminds me an awful lot of the 1409, which is not exactly a good thing. and besides, i still have mr lin to think of.
and my latest infatuation,
within like 2 days, i've gotten a domo bag, a domo purse, a domo pencil, a small domo keychain, a domo speaker, a small domo plushie, and that domo thingy thingy and lanyard on the ds.
i super want the big domo. will take a picture of all my domos when i'm in the domo mood. ^^
and nope, we're not back together. not yet, and i dont know for sure if we will be. he reminds me an awful lot of the 1409, which is not exactly a good thing. and besides, i still have mr lin to think of.
and my latest infatuation,
within like 2 days, i've gotten a domo bag, a domo purse, a domo pencil, a small domo keychain, a domo speaker, a small domo plushie, and that domo thingy thingy and lanyard on the ds.
i super want the big domo. will take a picture of all my domos when i'm in the domo mood. ^^
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