i keep crying and singing and crying and singing. i also had to stop singing halfway through during ktv sessions because i was afraid i'd start crying. i told them i couldnt reach the high notes. i never tried.
after that, i listened to this song. it helped keep my sanity.
along with gw, who appeared when i was nursing my broken heart, and he was nursing his shattered love. and we walked each other out of sadness.
when he came back in november. when he made me consider the possibility of getting back together, when he told me that he loved me still, i pulled the emergency brakes on my life and ran back to that possibility. but when he stepped back a week later. when he admitted his feelings for someone else, when he openly flirted with her in my presence, when people reported their observations of his coy behavior towards her, when she talked to me and i realised that i liked her as well, the last vestige of my self worth disappeared.
and i listened to this.
and i listened to it everywhere. and i cried everywhere.
that was me, the morning after i cried my eyes swollen. and my throat was parched, and all i could think about was why he had to come back, only to close the door again. (it was a fucking 5 minutes song, and i'm lazy to upload the entire shit now. enough embarrassment for now.)
and i ran right back into gw's waiting arms. when i cry, he made me smile. when i couldnt sleep, he sang me to sleep. when i woke up with nightmares, he calmed me down. when i had midnight supper cravings, he ate with me.
despite everything that gw did, despite getting me flowers right after i asked. despite all of it, i cowered back into that semi-life with him when he appeared with his meaningless messages, all the promises unfulfilled.
he said he wanted to spend christmas and new year with me, and i kept myself free for him. but all it meant to him, was slotting me into that tiny space before/after the mahjong sessions.
bangkok was his idea of a redemption. whether for our dismissal from pools, or from his lack of action towards me, i never knew. bangkok was the worst thing that happened to us.
did it matter? that pathetic comeback excuse? when i was groped at patpong, when i needed a hand to hold, when i needed a shoulder to cry on, when pong pong and jared openly displayed their affections for each other (yes, they're just good friends. and they were more than us.), all he could to do, is fling my hand away, walk faster, not look at me. and when i threw everything away to ask if he believed in us, he closed the door and left me crying for the three seconds before pong pong came back from supper with jared.
he promised to have it resolved when we came back. but all i heard from him for the next month, was his repeated excuse that 'no job = no money' 'exams = no time'. mahjong sessions after mahjong sessions. games after games. i was repulsive? all i could do was retreat to my corner, until i became so small. until i vanished completely. he didnt want me, someone else did.
and despite having promised a future with gw, despite everything gw did, despite the heartache, the mistrust, the fear, all the fucking odds against a tiny possibility, i took that miniscule hope and flopped right into his life. again and again. no matter, however. despite everything, i still love him. and here, its happened again. he's disappeared again.
i didnt make much of an effort to solve things the first time round. i confusedly tried to argue my way out of a confusing situation. i was incoherent. i was nonsense. i contradicted myself. my fault.
i had gw when you had teresa. i accepted his affections for me, while you hid yours. my fault again.
i didnt try hard enough to solve things between us when we were back from bangkok. i was unfaithful. i promised myself to gw without ending things with you. my fault yet again.
i wasnt able to ease your uneasiness with the situation. i tried to balance my way through both of you. i let it drag. i was afraid to affect the exam revisions. i let it drag even longer. i couldnt see your fear. my fault too.
i only have myself to blame for all that's happened. and all i can hope for, is to walk out of this mess, with the ability to still believe in love.
we will never be that again. no matter how hard we try.
it will never work, however much you want it to, because i've tarnished my self worth.
my oceans have dried. your sands melted away.
chen bao bei..
i hope you'll be happy. i've messed up. but i've always only wished you could be happy. please be happy without me. when you wished me away, i tried to be gone. when you wanted me back, i fluttered right back. i'm sorry. i could have loved you more. i should have loved me more.
i'll always love you, and for that, i cant have anything to do with you anymore.
i'll always wonder. (i think i will. but every-fucking-body knows, i'll eventually stop. thats the cruel, harsh, unromantic reality. fuck. i want my fairytale ending.)
zhuo tian tian
