chester entered my life. created a big bang, destroyed parts of it. but he has left. and i've cried hard over spilt milk. its time to accept that he left. its time to let the memories pass. i'm getting tired of crying, of feeling upset at the fleeting moments when i glimpse him in my past. i think the people around me, people who care about me, people who heard me talk about it, and the random strangers who peep into my ridiculously boring life has gotten sick of my relentless whining.
the bigger issue is gaowei. because of the sudden-ness in which chester took his exit from my life, because of my stubborn-ness and the refusal to accept his yet again exodus, because of the implications that it may have on their many mutual friends, i havent been able to properly recognise my feelings in entirety when it comes to gaowei.
i have spent my past two days swinging across two opposite ends of the pendulum. i completely acknowledge the need to let go of my immense feelings for chester. i know for a fact that i have to let him go. each time he leaves, is one time too many. so there, no confusion about that. i need to stop loserish-ly staring at his msn nickname, at the facebook page, at the name in my pretty phone, so i've deleted them all.
now though, my yin and yang, my pendulum -
for one, i think, whenever people enter a relationship, whatever be their reason, the motivation will always be to see it through. people believe that their current relationship will be the last. and that was the mantra i had in mind, the two times i started holding gaowei's hand. officially, there has only been one. but to me, i've always felt that the close to 2 months, during which chester faded out of my life, counted as the second phase in my relationship with gaowei.
i've never doubted the fact that gaowei loves me very much. i've never hidden the fact that i think i may never be able to feel for him as much as he does for me, or as much as i did, and still do for chester. but in all honesty, and despite the eventual disparity, i did believe in the possibility of a happy future with gaowei.
ryan tells me that as my friend, he hopes that i will soon get over chester, and eventually, fall for gaowei. he sees, as well as i do, that it's near impossible to find someone who will treat me with the same niceness and give me the same amount of love that gaowei has given me.
and that's part of how i felt when i read the message he sent at the first moment into my birthday. i wanted to believe in him. i wanted to believe in being happy. i wanted to believe in being loved. and i admit, i wanted to selfishly be loved, and protected, and held, by him.
but, reasoning has not failed me. it remains a fact that i've all but hurt him time and again. it remains a possibility, a huge possibility, that i may be using him as my rebound. i may be using him to seek refuge, to take shelter, to hide away, in these times of pain.
i've said the mean-nest possible things i could think of to him. i've pushed him to the brink of collapse. but he stands up and offers his hand to me. i blamed him for my failing relationship with chester, even though in the depths of my heart, i know that he has been nothing but nice, that he has given nothing but love. i explicitly stated that i will never love him. i exerted that his presence will be detrimental to my healing process. i painted a conniving picture of myself, as a manipulative, easy, casual, bitch. and still, he hides his disappointment and his sadness to tell me that he wants to help me get through my pain.
i dont want to hurt him anymore. each sadness that pricks him, is unwarranted and uncalled for. each tear that escapes his eye will brandish me one time in hell. i dont want to cause him anymore pain than i already, unjustly, have.
i have been the crack in his friendship with the people whom he holds dearly to his heart. and this is the biggest piece of my guilt. i honestly dont think i am worth his efforts. i am in pain, i am sad. but it doesnt sanction, in the slightest, the hurt that i've caused him.
and when he stared at me with hopeful eyes as i read that same aforementioned message, i felt the pain and the guilt. the odds are too great, and i am too fearful of believing in the slight chance of that future with him.
as much as he keeps telling me that he will find a way to make things work, that inability to answer james', dominique's, and i dont know whoever else's concern, is enough to disregard his likelihood in really making things work.
i want chester to be happy yes, but i want it for gaowei even more. because of the pain that i've caused. because he deserves to be happy. because he would have been happy, if not for me.
and then, he tells me that his happiness is with me. he tells me that making sure i was fine is more important than his happiness.
i have no more strength left to deny him. the streets fill with memories that still illicit pain. across me sits possible happiness. but guilt stares in my face, guilt screams in my ears, guilt pierces me right through the core, guilt consumes me from within, guilt suffocates my entire being.
i cant do this anymore. i cant even continue to write, because i dont know where to stop. its a fucking mess of confused thoughts streaming around my head.
i am sorry. i feel sorry. i'm not trying to absolve me of the guilt. i'm just tired of trying to pretend i know what i want, when every-fucking-body knows i dont.
happy birthday to me. happy fucking birthday to asinine me.
and now, the 1.7k photo. the 1.7k favour that i feel obligated to return because of the 1.7k laptop and the countless malicious comments that i have legitimately stated time and again on my blog.
and i present to you, in my entire fucking ugliness.
i am fucking pek chek that some nincompoop messaged me at 3 fucking am to be 'sorry to bother (me), can (she) check with (me), if (her) bf, jiesheng is with (me).'
it is my fucking birthday, and i am too self-important to bother myself with her pathetic nonsense.
i dont know her. i dont know how she is as a person. i dont know how she is as a friend. i dont know how she is as a girlfriend. i dont fucking know her at all.
but from what i've heard, and despite my propensity to see the nicer things in ridiculously evil people, like CHANPEILING (i have had fucking enough of writing in acronyms. like people dont know cpl refer to chanpeiling, the evil woman who broke my buddy, ryan's heart. i completely hate her, because despite everything, i fucking stood by and encouraged ryan in his sincere attempts at winning her evil heart.), she is a completely idiotic woman who refuses to see the truth that stares blindingly at her, and listens to the crazy little fucked-up voice in her completely fucked-up mind.
limchiehsern disappeared from my life when i started accusing him of having an agenda for meeting me and buying me my beautiful kiwi. i dont know if he truly harboured any intention for his actions, but the fact remains that he did fuck off when i told him to, and so, i can only assume he didnt.
for reasons only known to her, because all of us know otherwise, she believes that her boyfriend, limchiehsern, has an unhealthy and huge fixation with his pretty ex-girlfriend, me.
fucking irritating to admit, but, wendy is prettier than me, and wendy is the cause of the smoker that limchiehsern has become.
fucking irritating to admit, but jialing is cuter and way nicer than me, and jialing is the cause of the extra semester, and 3-fucking-thousand dollars in fees. not counting the opportunity costs if he were to graduate and enter nie earlier. what is 1.7k?!
fucking irritating to admit, but xinhui or huixin or whatever her name is, she is smarter than me, and she is the cause of the adidas and nike that he had to adorn himself with, in the early part of my pathetic relationship with him. and seeing as he is as stingy as he is, she probably still accounts for a significant proportion of his clothes. or i may be wrong, but i cant be bothered to find out.
limchiehsern met me for lunch this afternoon. he wanted a favour from me. he has seemingly had enough of being accused by that woman, and so he decided to meet me, whether to shut her up, or to grant her legitimacy in her wrongful accusations that has finally come true.
and so he asked that i blog a picture of us together. that is despite my reluctance to be seen in public with him, much less document it in a picture. but i agreed, in consideration of my baby kiwi, and of course because i am hugely nice.
i have done evil. i have been blighted a thousand times over for the evil things i've done. but i hate being accused. i meant to keep it short, but she has tripped my fuse by actually asking all-important ME, on my very sacred birthday, when i had my very important, centre of the entire universe, problems to think about. (i am exaggerating, in case she cant tell when sarcasm is jumping out of the very text.)
I HATE BEING ACCUSED, BUT IF MY ACCUSATION SOMEHOW BRINGS LIMCHIEHSERN DOWN AS WELL, BY ALL MEANS. ACCUSE ME THAT I SET EYES ON LIMCHIEHSERN DURING THE PAST MONTHS. EVEN THOUGH I FUCKING DID NOT. ACCUSE ME AS THE SOURCE IF YOUR FAILING RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS YOUR PATHETIC INABILITY TO SOLVE YOUR OWN PROBLEMS THAT HAD RESULTED IN HIS IMPATIENCE WITH YOU. AND DESPITE THE REPEATED CHANCES THAT HE GAVE, YOU CHOSE TO DROWN IN SELF-PITY AND DRAGGED ME OUT AS A MEANS OF SELF EXONERATION.
what is between the two of you, is between the two of you. if i got my facts wrong, i dont fucking care. its your business, and your business is with limchiehsern.
i am sibeh ke lian now, as you may have read in my blog. i have been dumped. i am wallowing in self pity. i am creating a fresh lake of tears to drown myself in. i am wringing my heart in two. i am squeezing myself dry of happiness.
thank you for your kay-poh-ness and interest in my life. but i fucking dont need your boyfriend to come comfort me. and he, thankfully didnt. thank you also, for providing the reason that was to sustain our scant meet-ups.
please solve your own problem, and get your facts right before you accuse him (like i care) and drag me into the picture with him (eww).
sibeh irritated that i ended up writing more about this inconsequential piece of shit than the love of my life chester and my all important gaowei.
tamade.
the sadness that chester left, the hope for happiness that gaowei gave, even the sweetness of ah fang's birthday powerpoint, which i fully intend to blog about, even my amazement in the discovery that i share the same birthday as the *gasp* night safari, is not able to obliterate the fucking anger that the stupid woman caused by messaging me.
now i am very pissed that i have descended from my very high up in the air pedestal to bother myself with their inconsequential childish squabble.
urgh.
