he used to read my blog. i wonder if he still do. i wonder if he had done so at all, yesterday. and if he had, how did it make him feel? but i guess not. there's no reason for him to do so.
it hurts. i can't say if it was worse the first few times or if it hurts more now. pain is pain, no matter how much. it's just stupid because i keep switching between 'it's his lost' and 'he still loves me'. like i keep changing my wallpaper. like i keep staring at his name in my call list. like i keep typing messages after unsent messages. it hurts because i'm afraid to give up.
can you look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me anymore? i'm so lost. i can't work up the courage to call him again. to send him a message. or an email. why? can't you hug me like you did 2 days ago? after all these while, don't you believe that i love you? don't you see that no matter what he does or what anyone do, all i can think of is you? you said you won't care about anything else. that our relationship was second priority after the exams. you said you'd trust me wholeheartedly. i told you i'd rather not because i want to have to earn it back. but don't you anymore?
i made a mistake. i was lost. i was afraid. i didnt know what to do. can't we work it out? are we giving up again, just like that? i dont have pressing needs to take my mind off the issue. i dont have work to drown my sadness out. i dont have ppl to talk to, to make me feel better. i didnt know better, and i dumped it all on him. but i want to change. i know i have to. even if this doesnt happen, i know i'll have to.
i'm afraid to call him. i'm afraid to ask. in what capacity can i? when i've all but begged. when he's got more important things to worry about and i was a thorn in his mind. i've always been your burden, havent i? its why they all dont want us back together, isnt it? everybody thinks eventually, i'd leave you, even you. but i havent. i didnt. i dont think i will.
i'm just a lost girl confusedly trying to argue her way out of a painful, confusing situation. can you love me? cant we work it out?
everything that we've been through. doesnt it warrant at least another try?
fuck. tries after tries. time after time. tears after tears. struggles after struggles. but i still fucking love you.
i fucking love you.
i fucking love you.
i fucking love you.
