random #41

some days are better than others.

most days just happen to be better than today.



*nothing to do with abc, who's endearing as ever. in fact, i'm beginning to wonder when will i snap out of this trance-like state that he's placed me in since more than 2 weeks ago.

gaming

my boyfriend is an avid gamer. give him any game and he picks it up in five minutes. he's broken almost all the high scores in the 3 pages worth of games on my phone, he kisses his facebook games goodnight before he climbs into bed with me, and at this very moment, i'm staring at his face, contorted in concentration over the webcam, as he zealously games away.

he's mentioned it a few times now, that he's worried his gaming habits might put me off. bad experience? perhaps once upon an ancient time, they were a source for quarrels between him and his past loves?

i dont know how to assure him that i'm perfectly fine with him sacrificing sleeping time to indulge in his gaming foibles. to assert that it doesnt affect me one bit would be a lie. occasionally, i do get upset when i'm treading the threshold between sleep and wake, and he continues dawdling in front of the computer.

but then again, i do understand that people have different means of shedding behind the stresses at the end of a day. and for abc, gaming eases away some of the tension that builds up over the course of his day. and in all honesty, i really think forcing him to end his gaming sessions prematurely by throwing tantrums will just make things worse for both of us, and make us upset at each other. its not like he's sleeping with someone else, so really, what's the big deal anyway?

moreover, i never had a problem with ray's gaming antics, so i dont see why i should get upset with abc now. in fact, i got so influenced by ray that i ended up skipping my lectures and tutorials to deluge myself in the made up world of wow. i miss my meehoonkuey paladin as i'm typing now. all the moolah and the time spent levelling her up.


so yes, go ahead and play. and stop worrying if i'm upset by it. you dont need my permission for such things. it gets a little frustrating each time you ask if its okay with me if you went to play, because somehow, its almost as if i'm unreasonable and all, that i might want to stop you from doing something you love and that you've always been doing.

or maybe i'm just a freaking nice and understanding gf, who cooks for the bf when he's hungry, washes up after he's done, and lets him do whatever he wants to, without having to worry about me.

i will voice it out, when i start feeling the slightest tinge of un-love. so in the meantime, dont worry too much about me feeling neglected. besides, i want to believe you, that you'll know where to draw the line. i love you, smelly fart, let's never take each other for granted. missing you loads because i cant hug you now.


I wish a falling star could fall forever
And sparkle through the clouds and stormy weather
And in the darkness of the night
The star would shine a glimmering light
And hover above our love

Please hold me close and whisper that you love me
And promise that your dreams are only of me
When you are near, everything’s clear
Earth is a beautiful heaven
Always I hope that we follow the star
And be forever floating above

I know a falling star can’t fall forever
But let’s never stop falling in love

random #40

i love tampons!!

very random, and i have no idea where that came from. but nonetheless, tampons are love. fuck unsightly, smelly, messy, dirty pads. which i have not touched for who knows how long. muahaha. tampons rock!!

in any case, why is the menses flow heavier during the day? and that's despite my inverted sleeping patterns.


went k with ah hui, cch and abc the other day. totally tempted to upload the short clips i secretly recorded of ah hui for the benefit of smelly ah fang, the pangseh queen. (i just went to hear them again. fuck la. sibeh funny. i think if i upload, ah hui and cch will totally mince me and fling the bits into the sea.)


abc said i looked like a porn star that day, with the specs, the almost translucent (i beg to differ) top and the thread-baring leggings. ok, so then, maybe i semi-fulfilled my wish of being a porn star for a day. damn, i can be so garish at times.

am i showy? or loud? or obnoxious? i hear it all the time, but i honestly dont think so. i'm just paying homage to my ideas, however whimsy they are. (if you think that i am though, you're probably one of those who dont have enough guts to own up to your thoughts.)


gheesh. i really need to trim the bangs la. i dont want to have side-swept fringe. and i completely need to touch up the fucking colour. was originally intending on letting them grow out, and maybe the badly-spilt ends will heal. but the untouched up roots look damn greasy. gross! and anyway, new shampoo is doing wonders to my hair. ^^

and i also fucking need to go manicure. the stupid gel thing is cracking, but i'm too lazy to book an appointment. -.-"

i need a new pair of slippers too. the stupid havaianas. i'm getting increasingly conscious of the disparity. what are the chances of it, really. wah lao. fucking irritating. if only suratin hadnt noticed and informed me about it.


the only picture that showed the said havaianas. i was on the floor in an attempt to irritate smelly abc, who was irritating me by acting cute incessantly. so i sat on the floor and stomped my feet until he came back for me to hold my hand.


no mood to continue liao, because smelly didi just showed me this blog with damn nice cakes that he's thinking of buying, and i'm trying to convince him to just buy.

i'm tired but i dont want to have to sleep alone tonight. :(

2 weeks leh!!

i used to carry around with me a little red book, where i diligently jot down dates and random stuff that happens on a daily basis. and if you read my blog, you'd probably have a decent idea of how the entries in this book of mine went. it spelt scandalous with a capital 's', and i must say, in retrospect, i am definitely not proud of the way i juggled my time between the various commitments.

i chucked it to a corner after breaking up with chester, because i didnt want to be reminded of all the memories that i painstakingly recorded. i picked it up again recently though, and in an attempt to backtrack the dates i went with abc, i realised, rather shockingly, that we've been together for 2 weeks.

i excitedly remarked to abc, who was slouching beside me, reading half blood prince, digesting all 2 bundles of soba noodles, 1 cup noodle and 500g of cherry tomatoes (at 4am, because we woke up at 2), and who looked rather sleepy,

darling! happy 2 weeks!!

imagine my disappointment when he stared at me, with the blankest ever expression, and asked, almost dejectedly, if i was going to remind him every week. he then continued that if i were to do that, it would add up to more than 60 times a year (because i'm going to remind him monthly as well).

i've now decided that i'm going to irritate him everyday. even on days that i dont see him, which has amazingly not happened yet. so,

darling! happy 14 days!!


blah. i'm supposed to be pissed off with him now, because he just made me play my most uninteresting monopoly game ever. i took a screenshot of the damned game.



i'm the one with 24 million dollars, and like 10 pathetic % of the properties. slow, painful death lor. knn. and i keep kena-ing the chance and community chest cards that gives me more money. no, we didnt play till the end, because i got pek chek at this point already. :(

i just downloaded more games, and he has, like within half an hour, irritatingly managed to set unbreakable high scores.


so yes, its been 2 weeks already.
i think i'm putting on weight. i think the stupid worm in abc's stomach has also put on weight. i think abc is as freaking skinny as ever.
we've discovered that white soba noodles taste better than green ones.
he's finished reading the number devil. he's started reading half blood prince. i cant find my mirror mirror. i'm starting on the time traveler's wife. we've temporarily forgotten about the little prince.

i'm pissed off again, because i cant find any decent-looking pictures to upload. -.-"

stupid chicken rice

i'm completely flabbergasted by the ridiculously priced, very much over-rated, and totally cannot make it chicken rice at this supposedly 'famous' place opposite novena church.

wah lao.. imagine a dingy plate of fucking vegetables cost $6. many many stalks, little leaves (i only eat the leaves, tts why), super alot of 'flowers' in the leaves. and its SIX-fucking-dollars. i thought the pricy-ness might somewhat be redeemed by the fact that they were quite generous with their chicken pieces, but then, half the size of the seemingly big chunks were a result of the immense layer of fats and skin. and the fucking cucumber was wholly submerged in the stupid soya sauce lor!

you should have seen the look on my face when abc told me the stupid vegetables cost $6. -.-"

urgh.


kk suggested that we go to crystal jade next time, better food for the same price lor. knn. and the abc is now telling me that the soba noodle that i just cooked tastes way better than the stupid chicken rice. apparently the white ones are better than the green ones. i'm totally gaining weight eating with him all the time la. i think he's rearing a whole colony of worms in his stomach. where does all the food go? (ps. abc eats FOUR burgers at a go.)

i'm still infuriated by the $6 vegetables. urgh. tmd.

Gossip is Evil

When half truths are made known to people, they inevitably start speculating and gossiping. More often than not, untrue tales are spun, exaggerated, and spread, with malicious intent or not, like wildfire, in a matter of days. Reputations that were painstakingly built up, dashed. Not that abc or myself had much to begin with, anyway.

That, my friend, is a sad fact that I keep trying and failing, to prove otherwise. Of course, every now and then, you get people like cpl, who spins complicated webs, but very much keeps to herself (honestly, I'm still somewhat inclined to think nicely of her, especially given our similarities and what's not). These are the people you know your secrets are safe with, but who serve as the topic headers to the blabber mouths, much as if they were competing to see who could fabricate the nastiest story with little known facts. Sadly, I was one of those who added my two cents' worth to the gossip pool. (here, it is almost crucial to exert that kk has long since gotten over her. I hope my friend can always be happy.)

I guess by now, you might have guessed where this entry is heading towards.

An attempt to clarify things were made, necessary or not. I don't think it qualifies as an apology, even though she extended one to abc, because if I were to dissect her words, all that was done was the sharing of gossips and comments with a group of close friends. That, on top of the fact that who here, is not guilty of gossip? Hence, there really wasn't a need to apologise now, was there?

The beginnings of my relationship with abc has been marred with negativity. And much of it had to do with me, and the complications that arose out of my inept way of handling my feelings and emotions, which was why I took it worse then I would normally have. Of course abc had his fair share of shitty events that was another source of contention among gossip mongers.

The tide has subsided. People are not exactly interested in old news. To maintain that I am upset with her, is almost ridiculous, because admittedly, I was really upset with Chester for basing his judgement on 'comments and opinions', rather than her, who merely shared her views with close friends, which we all do. I probably owe her apology though, for she explicitly stated her wish to not be further uninvolved in this whole saga. Well, like I said, the tide has subsided, but I felt a need to address this for a last time, for otherwise, it feels as though I've left a stone unturned.

So there you have it. I really can't be bothered about it anymore. According to her, the only link between us, was that I was her good friend's girlfriend, and now that I've broken up with him, and embarked on a new relationship, I guess that link has vanished. As for Chester, he has his reasons to be disappointed with me, as do I, with him. Perhaps it's time to acknowledge that the idea of a friendship doesn't sit well between us. At least not when there are residual feelings dangling above his head.

In any case, abc and I are very much in love, and more than happy with each other. True, this may just be the initial honeymoon phase, and may unfold diabolical events or it could also mark the beginning of a wondrously blissful relationship. No matter, I just hope the sweetness lasts. :)

-- posted from my iPhone. WiWi baby rocks. ^^

fish bites!

my progression . . .


this is me. 3 weeks ago. i think the only part of me that touched the water was my heel. i think ah fang was super pek chek with me, for having wasted the money. -_-"


and a few hours ago . . .



then . . .



and . . .




finally . . .


yes, i got over the itch!


after awhile . . .


the fishes got tired of us. :(


getting boring . . . no fishes . . . got to milk our money's worth . . .



to counter the itch . . .


the silly boy had teeth bites on his arm when we left the place.


meanwhile . . .


ah fang!! are you proud of me yet!!


at the end of the day . . .




its been a week, my dear. and even though it still seem unreal at times, staring at you in the mornings and evenings has never failed to make me smile. i hope you were as happy as you've made me. it has been hard, having to put up with all that ridiculous negativity, but i'm sure things are going to get better and easier hereafter.

may we stay together long enough to drown ourselves in love, find that perfect brand of soba noodles, until our feet rot from all the fish spas and pedicures we're going to go for, and become chubby and frail from your excessive hunger and my penchant for unhealthy food.

love you!


lastly, the one picture that marked the beginning of it all,

random #39

this is real silly.

but looking at my tagboard reminded me of the one and only time i had to share cab with chester after our breakup, and jnr, worrying if i would feel okie, sent me his one-lettered messages throughout my entire journey to cheer me up.

if i remember correctly, he was telling me to let him know when i reach home. (l-e-t-m-e-k-n-o-w-w-h-e-n-y-o-u-r-e-a-c-h-h-o-m-e)

i dont have alot of friends, but at least i know who i can count on, big things or small.


iphone 3.0 in 3 days. so fucking exciting. soon, i'm going to flood ah fang's inbox with mmses of ME, ME and ME.


boyfriend has no smell, and it makes me feel completely disoriented. no, i cant detect a single tinge of anything when i try smelling him when he wakes up, and speaking of which, it is damn difficult to wake him up. yes, i'm trying to do that now. have been at it for the last 50 minutes because the air con man is here to fix the leaking problem.

in any case, this song is real nice.

WHAT~ EVER~

part two

no, there's no part two.

fucking irrelevant to even want to continue the whole pathetic saga. the more i think about it, the more stupid i feel. too many random thoughts swarming around in my tiny head.


for instance, that incorrigible person who goes around spreading half-truths to people she's close with. i tried to imagine for a minute, that perhaps she meant well. but really, it would do hell alot of good if she learnt to keep her mouth shut. like my dear friend, the jnr, who refused to tell me anything that he's heard about me, or him. in which case, it would do even more good, if he could just tell me what i think i ought to know.

i honestly want to know what's being said la. bloody hell.


gaowei, yes. i'm quite pek chek at the drama that's unfolding around him and i now. i've decided to move on already, so i'm going to refrain from making any more comments on him after this entry. i've read every single message he's sent me, whether on msn, as smses, on my little tag board here, and on that blog he recently unveiled. they all say the same thing.

to say it once is totally heartbreaking, saying it twice brought out the guilt and hurt that i think i totally deserve. but having said it this many times, it has eaten into some of the goodness i associated him with.

i'm sorry for the way things turned out. maybe a little less sorry than i was yesterday. but nevertheless, still sorry. i remember the sweet things you've done for me, and the happy times we shared. i've moved on. i'll try to be happy. i'm sorry i deigned that happiness wasnt with you, i hope you'll be happy now. dont give so much all the time, at least let the giving and receiving balance a little. too many bitches like me around.


phoebe is synonymous with exhibitionist. phoebe is a euphemism for show-off. which is why i keep blogging about things i should keep quiet about. which is why, it really isnt difficult to tell who that new relationship is. even though i think i've been pretty mellow about things. thus far, the only people who has heard anything from me are, KANG KANG, AH FANG, CHESTER, CHONGLUK (a little) AND ADEL (like told her a few hours ago) - not very difficult to guess the weakest link.

shit. totally feel like posting a sibeh loud shout out to clear stuff up. knn.


a hungry (wo)man is an angry (wo)man. i think i'm hungry.

part one

if i imagined that you were blind, i would reiterate the simple fact made known by gaowei's comments on my tagboard, that i've once again broken his heart. i would also fail to acknowledge that you have already learned about me having fallen for someone else, and that i'm likely to enter into a new relationship with this new person, who, for reasons known only to myself (which isnt at all very difficult to guess, and i'd reveal later, because i'm fucking bu shuang), will remain unnamed at the moment.

time and again, i've openly admitted that i had been touched by gaowei's love for me, all the things he's ever done, all the efforts he's been putting in. this time round, i'm amazed by his magnanimity. he loves me. he loves me very fucking much. if there were anyone who could love me more than he does, that person can only be my mother. my mother, who leaves money on the table of her graduated and jobless, lazy-ass daughter.


i loved and i lost. but at least in the end, i knew that chester loved me too. and that knowledge made it that much easier for me to move on. all along, i was inclined to believe that part of my infatuation with him had to do with the fact that i was bu gan yuan, and that i somehow wanted to, but didnt believe he loved me.

gaowei loved and he lost. and what have i done? what have i ever done for him? yes, there were moments of sweetness, that contributed to some of the loveliest memories that i have in the last 8 months, but all those, he did for me. what have i done, in return, for him?

it doesnt absolve me of any guilt, the fact that i kept emphasizing on the fact that i want to do things right, with him. it fucking doesnt absolve me of any fucking guilt, the fact that i once said that he deserves all the happiness in the world for all the love he's showered on me. (exact words, i want chester to be happy yes, but i want it for gaowei even more. because of the pain that i've caused. because he deserves to be happy. because he would have been happy, if not for me.)


i'm suddenly finding it a little difficult to continue writing now, because of the most heart-wrenching conversation i had with chester over msn. because i fell in love with someone else in such a short period of time, he no longer believes that i loved him as much as i did.

i really dont want to talk about it anymore. will continue with a part two to this later i guess.

these days

these days, i'm happy.

because.

i.

am.

in love. ^^


revelation in a couple of days, when things get settled down. or maybe not. cannot share my happiness with too many kpo people might who conspire to gossip against us.

these days, i'm happy because i'm in love. i was completely knocked out, hope it lasts.

kk

the bff kk sent me a msg this morning. to tell me how terribly sorry he felt that he forgot my birthday, and to promise to make himself available when i need him. he wanted to make sure that i knew, even though he super zhong se qing you, he'll always make time for me.

kk is someone who does silly things sometimes. ^^

like my fang fang, who promised to go science center with me this week. (and sinema old skool, and yangtze.)


all in all, today was a happy day. hehe.

random #38

to my amazing horror, i can no longer deny the fact that my head is big, now that i went and cut bangs. blah.

:(

some kind person tried to console me by saying that my head's not that big, its just that my 'face' is. -_-"

like honestly, what's the difference in that? :(

i'm upset now, despite having slept for 17 hours. i tried to sleep for 20 hours , but mummy playing mahjong in the living room totally keeps me awake. very pro people who hu very fast. so have to keep hearing xi pai sound. blah.


went out with ja and cyl yesterday. was out from like 1pm till 6-fucking-am, even though ja went off at midnight to catch the last train.

might have pictures to post when cyl sends me those he took with his amazing phone. i was deliberating whether or not to bring the camera before leaving home, but i decided against it, because i thought 2 men might be aghast at the cam whore idea. little did i know, they (at least ONE) turned out to be a giant cam whorer. -_-"


so yes, remember my meet up with suleen and shuliang? took like TWO pictures.

and i'm not posting them up because the 2 of them have very small faces. eeee. maybe thats why we ended up taking only 2 pictures. because ben xiao jie not happy having my face look big. muahahah.

sometimes, gaps between people can become so big, that its no longer possible to bridge them back to how they were. its kinda sad, but i think, i'd have to admit, i'm no longer trying to bridge that impossible gap. as much as its disappointing because we were really close eons ago, at least we still meet up once in awhile.

its only going to get worse.


these days, i only associate myself with people who mj, sing k, go clubbing, does crazy-shit stuff (or want to do crazy-shit stuff), and have weird preferences (like preferring the fat boy in super junior).

totally looking forward to ah fang again. (science center, instead of museum, sinema old skool, and YANGTZE. i wanna yangtze okie?!)


you know, i'm beginning to think that being together with gaowei is not such a bad idea. well, he takes good care of me, spoil me crazy, and all it requires is a little effort on my part. even though right now, i dont even want to put in that little effort. i just want to enjoy the moment for what it is, and his incessant messaging irritates me to no end. its starting to piss me off. (not exactly endearing to receive 10 over messages while you're sleeping. -_-")

in time, we shall see.


the air con is dripping again. blah. i shall on the other one instead. bleh.

random #37

my little dream has ended. it was beautiful while it lasted though. ^^

chester and i broke up two weeks ago. i'm glad we had the chance to let the dust settle. this wasnt my longest relationship, nor was it the sweetest, or the most memorable. yet it seems to be the most.. heart-wrenching?

as much as it hurt that i've to let it go, we've reached an understanding that things will never work out between us. somehow, i've known that all along. in a way, i was trying to hang on to the whatever short time that i can have with him, and now that time has come to pass.

i hope i'll stop dreaming of him someday. it helps a little though, knowing that he dreams of me too. its weird, that i've only begun to realize how much he actually loves me, now that its all over.

well, at least i gained a friend in him. and seeing how much we've been through together, all the secrets we've shared, i think he'll make a great friend.

new hairstyle to mark a new stage in my life. and gaowei says 'bibi looks cute.' makes him want to pinch my cheeks though. ^^



random CUTE picture taken by CYL (omg. cyl has the same initials as chicken nugget. lol.) during web cam. damn. he's randomly taken like THIRTY-NINE (maybe more) sibeh unglam snapshots of me liao la. -_-"

speaking of whom, he intro-ed me to this kinda nice korean variety, which i liked enough to want to reflect it on my msn name. 我们结婚了. its really funny how people who's not talked to me in ages suddenly asked if i was getting married. i wish! the only person who i'd marry now has just dumped me yet again. :( bleh.

i love my new hair. hehehe.


oh, ah fang, you see ~~

cut hair cut hair cut hair..

i wanna cut bangs.. SUPER THICK LADY GAGA BANGS.

sibeh hot. lady-fuck-me-gaga. whooo~~~~~

shall cut later, before i start entertaining second thoughts. (no la.. not going to cut the hair short.)


**UPDATE


dont laugh at me la.. :(

shuhui!! i lost your blog add when i changed laptop a few months ago.. resend me k? can sms de.. lol..

suleen, shuliang, shuhui

meeting suleen, shuliang and possily shuhui (i deliberately typed shuhui, because i suddenly feel so extra my name didnt start with shu/su also.. omg.. imagine, what if i was called shu bi?! -_-")

havent seen suleen in ages. was supposed to attend her solemnization back in dec, but had to work last minute. stupid pools. havent seen shuliang in more than a year, i'd say. i think the last time i saw her was.. cant remember liao.. -_-" and even though i keep bumping into shuhui, i've not had a proper chat with her since january!!!

i'm damn bo sim la.. stop blaming ppl! its my own bloody fault. need to arrange meet ups. ^^

in any case, i'm meeting them in 45 minutes at bugis.. and i havent changed.

and i'm still blogging..

i die. -_-"


update later. die liao..

someday, my prince will come..

people dont get over the love of their lives in a week. so as much as i still love chester, its no use harping on the past. its a peaceful realisation, really. the tears didnt gush out, the sadness was somewhat muted. i only wish i could stop dreaming about him. i wish i didnt have to smile in my sleep and wake up to see someone else.

yes, i've been falling asleep at gaowei's place, after mahjong, while watching tv, while lying on gaowei's shoulder. and while i was at that, i dreamt about chester. i know. completely sheepish about it. its a sign that something needs to be done. i cant really help what i dream about, but i can control what i see while i am awake.

i think, things need to die down MORE between gaowei and i. i know he means well, and a part of me wishes somehow, i will fall for someone as nice as him, but that has not happened yet, and i need to stay away, at least till i clear up my head, and stop dreaming about chester.

it sucks. the whole of my last ten years have been a vicious cycle. to tell the truth, i dont know what i should do next. as much as i want to move away from gaowei, who's to say some other guy will be him, who i can love unreservedly and be loved as much in return. i loved chester alot, but i had reservations about him. and now, what gaowei presents, is an opportunity for me to be as clean and as open as i can ever be. if he can love me unreservedly, maybe i can finally learn to be happy?

oh well, the answer to that will come in time. right now, i'm just trying to find my way again. its good that there's someone here holding my throughout, but i kind of want to do it on my own.

i was saying earlier, excessive care (ie, stickiness) from the one you love is totally endearing, and can never be enough. excessive care from someone who turns you off, can be a pain in the ass. excessive care from someone who's endearing, is something you get used to, and who knows, in time you might grow to love him.

i dont believe in absolutes. its not me at all to say, no, i will absolutely not fall for gaowei, ever. but even if i do, it'll be a treacherous path. might not be worth the effort even.

someday, my fairy tale will come true. ^^

its really silly, but i think i still believe a prince charming will whisk me off from my woes and sorrows.





not exactly disney, but these are my favourite-test cartoon lor.. beats the crap out snow white anytime!!!

someday, my prince will come ~~~ (eeks! snow white song!!)

简单爱?!??!

let's see, i've never like 简单爱 other than when chester sang it to me like close to a year ago while he walked me home from tpy central.

so why do ppl think its my favourite jay song?! i liked it when we were together, but even then, it wasnt the favourite leh! i dont like over-played songs. bleh..

i think i've mentioned a thousand times over that my favourite-est jay song is 园游会 OR 伊斯坦堡, and to avoid confusion, i deliberately left out one.

urgh. i'm irritated now. :(