if i imagined that you were blind, i would reiterate the simple fact made known by gaowei's comments on my tagboard, that i've once again broken his heart. i would also fail to acknowledge that you have already learned about me having fallen for someone else, and that i'm likely to enter into a new relationship with this new person, who, for reasons known only to myself (which isnt at all very difficult to guess, and i'd reveal later, because i'm fucking bu shuang), will remain unnamed at the moment.
time and again, i've openly admitted that i had been touched by gaowei's love for me, all the things he's ever done, all the efforts he's been putting in. this time round, i'm amazed by his magnanimity. he loves me. he loves me very fucking much. if there were anyone who could love me more than he does, that person can only be my mother. my mother, who leaves money on the table of her graduated and jobless, lazy-ass daughter.
i loved and i lost. but at least in the end, i knew that chester loved me too. and that knowledge made it that much easier for me to move on. all along, i was inclined to believe that part of my infatuation with him had to do with the fact that i was bu gan yuan, and that i somehow wanted to, but didnt believe he loved me.
gaowei loved and he lost. and what have i done? what have i ever done for him? yes, there were moments of sweetness, that contributed to some of the loveliest memories that i have in the last 8 months, but all those, he did for me. what have i done, in return, for him?
it doesnt absolve me of any guilt, the fact that i kept emphasizing on the fact that i want to do things right, with him. it fucking doesnt absolve me of any fucking guilt, the fact that i once said that he deserves all the happiness in the world for all the love he's showered on me. (exact words, i want chester to be happy yes, but i want it for gaowei even more. because of the pain that i've caused. because he deserves to be happy. because he would have been happy, if not for me.)
i'm suddenly finding it a little difficult to continue writing now, because of the most heart-wrenching conversation i had with chester over msn. because i fell in love with someone else in such a short period of time, he no longer believes that i loved him as much as i did.
i really dont want to talk about it anymore. will continue with a part two to this later i guess.
