people dont get over the love of their lives in a week. so as much as i still love chester, its no use harping on the past. its a peaceful realisation, really. the tears didnt gush out, the sadness was somewhat muted. i only wish i could stop dreaming about him. i wish i didnt have to smile in my sleep and wake up to see someone else.
yes, i've been falling asleep at gaowei's place, after mahjong, while watching tv, while lying on gaowei's shoulder. and while i was at that, i dreamt about chester. i know. completely sheepish about it. its a sign that something needs to be done. i cant really help what i dream about, but i can control what i see while i am awake.
i think, things need to die down MORE between gaowei and i. i know he means well, and a part of me wishes somehow, i will fall for someone as nice as him, but that has not happened yet, and i need to stay away, at least till i clear up my head, and stop dreaming about chester.
it sucks. the whole of my last ten years have been a vicious cycle. to tell the truth, i dont know what i should do next. as much as i want to move away from gaowei, who's to say some other guy will be him, who i can love unreservedly and be loved as much in return. i loved chester alot, but i had reservations about him. and now, what gaowei presents, is an opportunity for me to be as clean and as open as i can ever be. if he can love me unreservedly, maybe i can finally learn to be happy?
oh well, the answer to that will come in time. right now, i'm just trying to find my way again. its good that there's someone here holding my throughout, but i kind of want to do it on my own.
i was saying earlier, excessive care (ie, stickiness) from the one you love is totally endearing, and can never be enough. excessive care from someone who turns you off, can be a pain in the ass. excessive care from someone who's endearing, is something you get used to, and who knows, in time you might grow to love him.
i dont believe in absolutes. its not me at all to say, no, i will absolutely not fall for gaowei, ever. but even if i do, it'll be a treacherous path. might not be worth the effort even.
someday, my fairy tale will come true. ^^
its really silly, but i think i still believe a prince charming will whisk me off from my woes and sorrows.
not exactly disney, but these are my favourite-test cartoon lor.. beats the crap out snow white anytime!!!
someday, my prince will come ~~~ (eeks! snow white song!!)
