there used to be a time, not very long ago, when i believed in the therapeutic effects of blogging all that ridiculous negativity that seems to have found a permanent foothold in my thoughts. you'd heard all about how lim chieh sern threw me repeatedly into that abyss of pain, you'd heard all about how i constantly tormented myself, trying to find a balance between my overflowing feelings for chester and gaowei's immense love for me.
i've never wondered if it was a good thing, being as open as i was, on a platform that was so easily accessible to anyone, anywhere. i guess i've never considered the possibility that random people were remotely interested in what i had to say. random people, who went on to absorb the insignificant shit that i've been ranting about, who continued to act as though they knew what i was going through, who then proceeded to share their two cents' worth with whoever else.
not that i really care, anyway. the few people i deem important to know the full story always knew what they ought to know.
but i havent blogged much in the past few days because the gloom that has descended over me had everything and nothing to do with abc. and even though i cant be bothered if people thought ill of me, it would kill to have people talk bad about abc on account of me.
i'm completely freaked out, by how fast and how hard the feelings have developed. in the span of one month, i've done almost more than i ever did for anyone. and i'm scared. i really dont want this to be temporary, and its not just because we're already together.
the truth is, i'm lost. this is really too good to be true, such that i'm picking on the itsy bitsy nonsense.
i thought all i wanted was love, and attention. hopefully as much as i was willing to give? but no, there simply isnt an end to how much love and how much attention i can want. and as much of both as abc has given, its not enough to placate the hungry monster in me. the monster also known as insecurity.
i must have been crazy to think that i should just try to be nonchalent, that if i gave less, maybe somehow, i would want less. things dont work that way. yes, i still need your appreciation when i do things for you, but i understand now, that being able to do what i want for you, when i want to, that, in itself, makes me happy already.
it must have been hard on abc, me acting the way i did. i hope its not going to take too long for me to snap back into being the me that he was crazily in love with at the beginning.
work is starting soon. and i'm trying not to think about the lessened time i would have with abc. i shall look forward to saving up for holidays and oh, renewing my waxing package.
sigh. its taken me a damn long time to put this post together. somehow, i cant seem to string my thoughts into coherent sentences. i think its time i succumb to the zee monster.
