from out of nowhere

>

All of a sudden, I just want my boyfriend to know that I'm madly in love with him, and I really really really want us to always be as happy as we have been.

Let's go do the reverse bungee thing on our 100th. ^^

random #46

I'm scared. I'm getting these fainting spells again. It hasn't happened since JC days (at least not so much). Almost blacked out three times this week, and that last time, I really did, in the cinema toilet at Iluma. Was jolted back to my senses when my phone vibrated from ABC's message.

It's really no fun waking up swathed in cold sweat, not being able to see and hear clearly, not being able to walk properly, and in a strange, unfamiliar place. The boyfriend was a little upset that I only told him after the whole ordeal. It's nice knowing he wants to be there, but I hope it doesn't happen again though.


On another note, I finally finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife. The thing about me is that I hate finishing books, especially good books, and I feel super lost now because there is nothing to look forward to. I have The Lovely Bones lying next to me, but it's almost disrespectful to start on something else so quickly after I finished such a good book. It's kinda crazy really. I'm now thinking if I should watch the movie, because I cried watching the trailers, I think I might cry throughout the entire thing. -.-"

The book is that damn good.


And oh, I saw Sandra the other night at The Cathay. Bf and I were watching The Proposal. She really isn't as bad as her ex-bf made her out to be. I guess I should have known.


It sucks to have to name my entry Random, especially since I haven't been blogging these days. I hate the way my blog entries are becoming as pathetic as they are now, but there isn't alot left for me to write when I've been updating all my thoughts via Twitter these days.

And oh, before I go change and get ready to give my darling a surprise by popping down to meet him after work, I really really really want a pug. :( It's so fugly-ly cute. ^^

i mad love my bf. ^^

I was suddenly overwhelmed with happiness the other day, when bf told me that time flies by when one is happy, and he said he hadn't realized we'd been together this long. Well, we've only been together 2 months to begin with, but my completely endearing bf said that he was under the impression we've only been together for a month.

But I remember the photo album. I remember the Science Center. And so, I remember it's 2 months. :))


Went for our haircut yesterday, and the stupid lady made a mess of bf's hair. Even mummy, who has been complaining about how long bf's hair is, commented that it was a tad too short. I think I must be slightly delusional, because I honestly think it's super cute. I would have loved it, if not for the fact that it would make me look super old beside my already childish bf, who looks like a sec school boy (that was from DiDi).

ABC, who's the first person to get his hair cut with me, at a shabby, sleazy, laoya place that made a mess of his hair, no less.
ABC, who's the first bf to keep me company while I am manicuring (well, he had a pedicure. but still).
ABC, who's the first person to bring me to the Science Center.
ABC, who's the first bf to have his feet bitten by fishes with me, and technically the first person with whom I held hands through the itching (because Ah Fang, that mad woman, was not affected by the itch at all).
ABC, who's the first person to get my flowers, in the form of balloons (note that I didn't say buy). I still have one rose floating in the room, after the other one flew out the window.
ABC, who's the bf with whom I've taken more than 1300 photos with in the span of 2 and a half months.
ABC, who's the only bf to have so seamlessly integrated into my life (well, he's the only person I bothered to introduce to the people I hang out with, and I've been going out with the new colleagues like super a lot).
ABC, who's the bf with the fastest and highest stay-over rate.
ABC, who's the bf I had to wait on most, all the cooking, washing up, and picking up after. All those things, which I haven't been doing since before I started work.
ABC, who's the only bf to really hug me to sleep, through the night.
ABC, who kisses me when I least expect it.
ABC, who's been returning the favor I did when I accompanied him to and from work back then.
ABC, who sticks to me as much as I want to stick to him.

My bf is a little childish at times. He's quite bitchy, in fact, I think he's bitchier than I am. He sometimes forgets my presence when he's gaming. It can be a little difficult trying to wake him up, and it's totally disastrous when he farts. He can be a little hard to please, and his pms syndromes are worse than mine. When he gets in the mood, he can be super annoying, and he gets upset when I try to ignore him. He sings out of tune most of the time, but still he insists on singing damn loudly. He's super lazy when it comes to baths and washing up after he's done eating.

My bf is not perfect. He's not even as shuai as he was because the stupid lady made a mess of his hair. (But he's damn cute with that tooty nerdy look, and did I mention how very much I adore the teeny weeny itsty bitsy tummy that's very slightly bulging?) I've been getting upset at him these days, he's been getting upset at me too. But who doesn't get upset at his/her gf/bf? I know my bf loves me. And I can only hope he knows that I love him too. ^^





i love you darling.

Massively love this picture!!

Boyfriend says it looks cute. Hehe. :))

I think it looks as though we both need to have our hair cut.



-- Post From My iPhone. WiWi baby rocks. ^^

I want to upload Photos!

For some obscene reason, I can't upload photos to blogger (and I'm too lazy to host it elsewhere at the moment).

Tons of photos to post from Science Centre yesterday. HeHe. ^^

Kinda irritated that I can't post pictures now, because I doubt I'll have the feel to upload them again next time. Went singing with Pepsi and bf, Thia, Boxer, Ah Beng and the San Ba (he very san ba, but I still think ABC more san ba.) the other night, and I honestly think going K doesn't satisfy the singing feel at all. It made me want to sing more. Urgh.

Yeps, ABC and I went to the Science Centre yesterday, after procrastinating for the longest time ever. It wasn't that crowded, considering the fact that yesterday was a Sunday, and a public holiday too. Still, we didn't have enough time to cover all the exhibition halls there. Think we spent a little too much time at the Da Vinci hall. That man is a genius really.

And my smelly bf bullied kids into letting him play with those interactive games they had on display (like how san ba lor). -.-"


Attempted to be nicer to ABC by cooking breakfast for him earlier, but the potatoes totally failed, and I forgot to put in the cheese in my omelette because I was reading. Shall cut potatoes into smaller pieces next time, and not read while I fry omelettes.

Stupid UP in 3d is like sold out everywhere. I wanna watch lor. :(


Sigh. I love my bf. Shall go bully him now. ^^

Falling Falling Falling

Fucking twitter is down. :(

For the first time, I REALLY think, and I REALLY FEEL, that his games, and his other activities (READ: MJ, FUCKING MJ) have taken precedence over me. I suddenly feel so stupid.

So he's not meeting me. So he wants his own space and his own time. So he can't keep coming over because he's been spending too much time at my place. So he wants to game on the familiarity of aDell. So he wants to MJ. But no, he can't, because he has to come see me, because he needs his shoes.

Must be the bloody weather, and all the heat rash I've been getting. I'm uber pissed now.

MJ. His own space and time. MJ. His own space and time. MJ.

WHATEVER. Maybe he doesn't mean it that way, I'm sure he doesn't. But why the fuck do I have to create excuses for him? Why the fuck is the only sound emanating from my phone that of the fucking alarm telling me to take the fucking pill.

I'm damn pissed. And I really don't know why.


Those of you who has been plotting to see our downfall can start showing the first signs of your celebrations. I haven't been this sad/disappointed/angry/lost/confused/pathetic in ages.


I really really really really really feel like crying now.


*UPDATE. FUCKING UPDATE.

I wanted to remove this entry. Because I've more or less realized that I'm over-reacting. But no. He had to come tell me that he's going to go MJ afterall. So that's it then.

I'm really upset. I'm really disappointed. I'm really on the brink of tears now. So this is how long it took for all those other things to start entering. So this is how much I really mean to you at the end of the day.

It's really a tiny matter, for me to feel this worked up over. But if you added up everything that happened from late morning, you'd realize that I've had a shitty time, trying to convince myself that he doesn't mean what I thought he did.

It sucked a little initially, when he told me he can't keep coming over because he's not been spending much time at home, and his mom and his grandma were complaining a little. That much, I totally understand. It's not like I didn't care, because I do know, how worried and upset mummy gets when DiDi stays out for days, and I always ask if he needs to go home. I don't want to be the reason for anybody's unhappiness. Yes, its pretty lame, but I do feel that way, and I can't help it.

But this morning, it hurt, when he told me that I was taking it badly, when he suddenly told me he needed his own time and space. Because I've never insisted for him to come over. Because I always tried to make things better for him. And suddenly, I'm no longer allowed to let him know that I miss him?

I don't mind when he's glued to kiwi most nights. I'm trying not to grumble when he procrastinates showering and sleeping because of all those ridiculously meaningless fb games. I don't want to make things ugly, when the time that we have left for each other, has been so much shortened because of my having to work.

I got upset because when he asked if I were happy that he's coming to meet me to collect his shoes, I told him there's nothing for me to be happy about, and he, in turn, got upset at my reply, and said that I've changed. There really isn't anything to be happy about, when he's made it so explicit that he didn't want to, if he could have helped it. It certainly didn't make things any easier, when he disappeared after lunch, presumably to sleep, when I had all these negativity swarming around my head, and I was trying real hard to fight them off.

If he wanted to see me half as much as I wanted to see him, he'd have known how much it hurts to know that he''s not here by choice.

I know that I think too much. I know that sometimes, I can be over-sensitive. I know I don't exactly have the tamest temper around. I know I've been hot and cold too much, too often. But really, I feel stupid when he woke up, when he woke up and it was as if nothing happened, and then suddenly he's going over to MJ. And all day today, I kept telling myself to not let that pathetic misunderstanding get to my head.

I'm utterly and completely disappointed and shocked now. Because after all that he's said, all that has been left undone, he decided to go MJ. I know there are people who read my blog. I know YH, who jio-ed him to MJ, reads this, and I should let him know that I'm more than happy he's jio-ing ABC to MJ. I'm just completely upset at the way my bf handles things, I'm just completely upset at the way my bf handles my feelings. But I do know that he loves me.

I think he realizes that I'm unhappy, but he's left it at that. Like how it always is.

He told me, before we got together, that he was always pulling when she pushed away from him, but when he did, she let him, and she left him. So then now, why does it feel like he was never here each time I start crying, each time I feel unloved. Why hasn't he been here ever? I wonder if he realizes, that I make that first call, I make that first message each time something happens.

I shall let it be known, that I used to pour all these unhappiness to CJJ, because despite everything that happened, I still think that there were special moments shared between us, there are some sides to me that only he knows, and I talk to him, rather than to anyone else, because I thought he could tell me the things I wanted and needed to hear.

But I'm not exactly talking to CJJ now, because it upsets ABC to know that I do (like how it would upset me, if he did the same), and because I'm guilty because I always give CJJ that stupid attitude during the times he talk to me.


It's really too small a matter for me to get so upset at him. But somehow, I cannot help that disappointment. The biggest pain and the biggest hurt, comes from disappointment. When you're disappointed, its only because somehow, you had higher expectations, hopes that fall through.

Let's bet - I will have to message him before he does. Even though I sent him a long and spiteful message in reply to him telling me he's going to MJ.
Let's bet - that even if he did message me, it would be as if nothing happened, he wouldn't acknowledge my disappointment in him, he wouldn't bother to tell me anything else.

It really really really hurts. And I'm going to stop blogging now, because its getting too hard to see with my vision clouded by all those tears.


This was my favourite quote a few years ago, when I was obsessing over Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, Marlene Dietrich and the likes, and recently, I saw it again.

I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure.
I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.
But if you can’t handle me at my worst,
then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.

小题大做

I kinda feel as if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. (WTF is a molehill anyway.)

I'm not even that upset anymore really. Sigh. I hope he's not as pissed as it seems. :((

-- Post From My iPhone. WiWi baby rocks. ^^

Am I supposed to be happy?!

I convinced ABC that he should come over at 3am this morning, instead of meeting me after work today and staying over. I honestly felt it was better that way, because the shift that he took over from CYS had a returning cab to my area. I kinda find it hard to disregard the comments he that he tells me he's getting, each time he requests to change his destination. They aren't exactly mean. I just don't like to feel as though I'm inconveniencing other people. (Major pet peeve.)

So he's not coming over later. There's nothing to rejoice about, is there? I casually whined about how long it would take before I could see him again. I thought it was casual because I do it all the time, but ABC thought I was serious about it, and he concluded that I'm not taking his not coming over too well. He then went on to tell me that he would like to have his own time and space as and when, and it feels as though he's complaining that I've been too time demanding on him, which I may have, but I've never insisted upon it.

Earlier, he suddenly remembered that he left his shoes at my place. Shoes that he'd be needing tomorrow. He then went on to tell me that it wouldn't take that long before I could see him again. He suggested coming over in the morning to collect his shows, and asked if I'm happy that I'll see him in less than 24 hours.

I. Don't. Think. So.

因为没办法才来 meet 我，有什么好高兴的？

So now he thinks I've changed. Am I supposed to be happy when my boyfriend tells me he needs his own space and time but is coming to meet because not by his own accord, but because of some blunder he accidentally made?

I'm happy to see you. I always am. But how can I be, when you explicitly state that you'd rather not?

And now he's pissed. And he's going to buy a new pair later. So it's my fault for being too sensitive. Is that it?

I'm pissed too. Who's changed?! I really don't want to make it a big deal because I agree that he spends alot (maybe too much) time here with me. It's a fact that I think I've mentioned all too often. I understand if he wants to have his own time, if he wants to stay home because his mom and grandma haven't seen him in ages. And when I say I understand, it means I'm ok with it. It means I'm not exacty upset by it. BUT does that mean I'm happy about it? No it doesn't.

Enough is never really enough. I don't subscribe to the belief that people get sick of their other halves, because I kinda think that if they do, then maybe that other half isn't really the right half. Every minute that I don't get to spend with you, I wish I could. (Ok, kua zhang-ing. Maybe every FEW hours.)

I'm getting increasingly upset by the situation now. Will blog again. :((

I hate it when ppl make me feel like I'm being an inconvenience. And he just did that.

-- Post From My iPhone. WiWi baby rocks. ^^

When I sometimes take things for granted.

Sometimes, I do take things for granted. But maybe that's how life is supposed to work.

ABC told me, before we fell asleep last night, that he'd be going home today. He said he'd been spending a little too much time over at my place, and it'd be good if he went home. That was after telling me about gaming plans for Sunday night.

When we woke up at close to 6pm today, he mumbled something in reply to YH's SMS about the gaming session later the night. And since then, he's been at it. Fluctuating between wanting to stay with me because we haven't been spending alot of time together, and wanting to game. My short Sunday passed in a mirage of him declining to go home when I suggested it and him trying to find ways of still being able to join their dota session at my place.

I completely, more than appreciate him choosing to stay over and just accompany me. It's an understatement if I say I'd prefer it if he were here. I more than just want him here, what with me and my hourly-rated (read: lowly paid), office hour (read: sucky) job.

But really, the guilt that comes with keeping him here, sometimes, it makes me feel as though his time would be better spent at home. It doesn't help when we never do anything save for sleeping and eating. It doesn't help when he occasionally remind me of the list of things he could do with aDell.

Just awhile ago, I got upset at him. At times, I really have no idea what he wants of me. And despite that frustration, I reminded myself that my bf is here because he loves me. When in the past I would have back-faced him and drifted off to my dreamland (yes, I was tired and sleepy), earlier, I ignored my unhappiness and asked if I could hug him to sleep.

By the looks of it and the fact that he's there on kiwi and I'm here blogging on wiwi, things didn't turn out well afterall.

I'm tired. I'm trying to be appreciative. I know I'm probably not his best gf, that probably sometime in his past, there was someone who loved him more than I do, gave him more than I have and treated him nicer than I can. But I'm really trying. And I'm trying my hardest yet.

Darling, I'm at my wits' end already. I'm doing everything in my entire inventory of niceness to make you and make us happy. I know we're not exactly qiarrellibg, but this whole situation, all that unhappiness dangling in the air, it doesn't make much of a difference at all.

I don't want to get upset at you. I don't want to stop loving you. I really don't.


-- Posted From My iPhone. WiWi baby rocks. ^^