So, it was our 100th day the other day.
And to tell the truth, I think, so far, my relationship with Abc, can only be described as nondescript at best. I won't deny that we've been spending alot of time together. More so than any of my past relationships, and I only have him to thank, for the stay overs and for spoiling me with all that attention and presence. But that, as far as it goes, is lackluster. Blissfully lackluster, but still, unremarkable and bland.
Which is probably why I tend to look forward to all those special occasions that we've been talking about. Like that 100th day thingy.
I'm trying to be a better gf for Abc, and that includes putting up with his laid back attitude, his gaming antics, sacrificing a little of my sleep time, heaving my lazy ass off the bed in the middle of the night to pour him warm water, etching a smile on my face when I'm ultra tired to all those things that I would normally have flared up at.
I'm not quite the fantastic gf I wish I was, and on our 100th day, I broke down, because I'd been so looking forward to it, and he wanted to cancel it because of the cough which has plagued him for weeks. I know now as I knew back then, that I can't really blame him for being sick, but looking back, I must say, I genuinely felt unappreciated.
I didn't know if he's acknowledged all the little things I've done, I didn't know if he realized that I'd been freaking tired every day, I didn't know if he realized that I haven't been going out with the crazy colleagues because I wanted to save a little more so that he didn't have to pay for everything. It's tiring because I tend to take so many things into consideration, things that I don't even know if he realizes.
And because I had been so looking forward to that day, he made me wonder if he's even taken it into account at all.
In any case, the whole incident has blown over. We made up. Honestly, I don't know where we're headed for. I'm afraid these things might happen again, and I'm afraid when they happen again, I'd lose the faith to carry on. I know my bf loves me, and I love him too, right now it seems as though that's all that matters, but during the dark moments when the tears start falling, it feels like love isn't enough afterall.
I'm scared. I really don't want to quarrel. I don't want to start doubting and undermining our love.
I love you, darling. It seems as though I can never tell you enough times to really let you know. I don't ever, ever, ever want to quarrel with you again.
