I've been thinking quite a fair bit these days. It's like my whole perspective has shifted since that quarrel with the bf a few days ago. I still love baby like crazy, but I'm also more withdrawn and reserved after that incident.
Somehow, during the course of our relationship, baby has become more than just a bf to me. He became more than any of my friends have ever been, at any point in time.
I remember a long time ago, when Suleen and I stuck together while at school, and continued sticking to each other on our home phones after school. I actually can remember her landline till now. These days, I'm attached to my boyfriend continuously, almost in that same way, and more. Baby webcams me when we're both home, because I can't see him.
I remember not so long ago, when Ah Fang's name was constantly at the top of my 'list of recent contacts' because I sms-ed her every time I saw something interesting. Of course, it dwindled when I couldn't reply her messages at 8 am, and I started to worry if my random messages might wake her in the middle of the night. Again, baby stepped in, with the twitter, the whatsapp, the HeyWAY, the other blog, FB and everything else.
I thought that it would be great to have my bf become my best friend. I thought it was nice if I could tell my bf everything, if I should share all my joy, my secrets, my fears and my worries with him.
But I'm thinking twice now. Because slowly and eventually, my life has started to revolve around him.
Each time he walks out during a quarrel, I feel as if I've backed myself into a corner with no where to run, and no one to turn to. The void is so big, I don't know how to handle it. I don't know if I want him to leave, because I can't stand seeing him; or I want him to stay, because I can't stand not seeing him.
It doesn't help, because after pouring out everything to him when we quarrel, he doesn't say anything at all. Our fights are resolved with a hug. Our quarrels, with a kiss. And then the cycle repeats. I never know what he was thinking. I never know how he felt.
I'm scared, because each time we quarrel, my strength falters a little, and my vulnerability grows stronger. Every time we fight, I find that I'm not able to give as much of myself as I used to. And then when I start to love him more again, when I start to pile my hopes up high again, we'd quarrel.
What used to come naturally and easily, has begun to take on that extra consideration. Little things like looking at him while I fall asleep, facing him when he hugs me; these days, I find us back-facing each other before we drift into unconsciousness. Things like whipping out my phone to take pictures in the lift, snapping photos of him when we're eating, camwhoring left-right-center; I find the increment in our photo-count drooping.
I'd love to see my bf as much as possible, but these days, I can no longer look forward to our meetings, and these days, I'm starting to feel that it might be better at times if we didn't meet.
I can see the effort that he's put in to make our relationship better. I know that he loves me. But sometimes, when you take something away, it doesn't mean things can be the same by putting something else back. When you drive up my expectations only to dash them, it doesn't mean springing an unexpected surprise after that will make it the same again. Because it's happened too many times already.
Yes I love my bf. And deep down, I know that baby's given me what hardly anyone has been able to, which is why I don't want to let him go. Ever. But it's getting hard. And I'm no longer sure anymore. And it's killing me because I love him so much And it's killing me because he makes me want to love him even more.
I love you baby, as much as Psyche loved Cupid. And like her, I'm not perfect too. I'm scared, and I doubt. I used to tell you that I'm going to love you a long long time. And now, I really still wish I can just keep loving you, endlessly.
