I've been thinking quite a fair bit these days. It's like my whole perspective has shifted since that quarrel with the bf a few days ago. I still love baby like crazy, but I'm also more withdrawn and reserved after that incident.
Somehow, during the course of our relationship, baby has become more than just a bf to me. He became more than any of my friends have ever been, at any point in time.
I remember a long time ago, when Suleen and I stuck together while at school, and continued sticking to each other on our home phones after school. I actually can remember her landline till now. These days, I'm attached to my boyfriend continuously, almost in that same way, and more. Baby webcams me when we're both home, because I can't see him.
I remember not so long ago, when Ah Fang's name was constantly at the top of my 'list of recent contacts' because I sms-ed her every time I saw something interesting. Of course, it dwindled when I couldn't reply her messages at 8 am, and I started to worry if my random messages might wake her in the middle of the night. Again, baby stepped in, with the twitter, the whatsapp, the HeyWAY, the other blog, FB and everything else.
I thought that it would be great to have my bf become my best friend. I thought it was nice if I could tell my bf everything, if I should share all my joy, my secrets, my fears and my worries with him.
But I'm thinking twice now. Because slowly and eventually, my life has started to revolve around him.
Each time he walks out during a quarrel, I feel as if I've backed myself into a corner with no where to run, and no one to turn to. The void is so big, I don't know how to handle it. I don't know if I want him to leave, because I can't stand seeing him; or I want him to stay, because I can't stand not seeing him.
It doesn't help, because after pouring out everything to him when we quarrel, he doesn't say anything at all. Our fights are resolved with a hug. Our quarrels, with a kiss. And then the cycle repeats. I never know what he was thinking. I never know how he felt.
I'm scared, because each time we quarrel, my strength falters a little, and my vulnerability grows stronger. Every time we fight, I find that I'm not able to give as much of myself as I used to. And then when I start to love him more again, when I start to pile my hopes up high again, we'd quarrel.
What used to come naturally and easily, has begun to take on that extra consideration. Little things like looking at him while I fall asleep, facing him when he hugs me; these days, I find us back-facing each other before we drift into unconsciousness. Things like whipping out my phone to take pictures in the lift, snapping photos of him when we're eating, camwhoring left-right-center; I find the increment in our photo-count drooping.
I'd love to see my bf as much as possible, but these days, I can no longer look forward to our meetings, and these days, I'm starting to feel that it might be better at times if we didn't meet.
I can see the effort that he's put in to make our relationship better. I know that he loves me. But sometimes, when you take something away, it doesn't mean things can be the same by putting something else back. When you drive up my expectations only to dash them, it doesn't mean springing an unexpected surprise after that will make it the same again. Because it's happened too many times already.
Yes I love my bf. And deep down, I know that baby's given me what hardly anyone has been able to, which is why I don't want to let him go. Ever. But it's getting hard. And I'm no longer sure anymore. And it's killing me because I love him so much And it's killing me because he makes me want to love him even more.
I love you baby, as much as Psyche loved Cupid. And like her, I'm not perfect too. I'm scared, and I doubt. I used to tell you that I'm going to love you a long long time. And now, I really still wish I can just keep loving you, endlessly.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
CNY and V Day
I hope your CNY and V Day had been great, because mine passed in a slur of monotonous inactivity.
Sigh. CNY has been boring ever since we stopped going Malaysia, not that I liked it in the first place, but at least there were something to look forward to. For some reason, I've never been able to get along with my cousins very well. Other than the standard pleasantries, I rarely speak to them. I kind of think it's all a-less-than-impeccable play of charades. Maybe that's why mummy stopped going back. That said, I must say, some of my cousins are really nice people. :)
This year is nothing spectacular, as usual. Apart from the ang baos, I've got to admit I don't like it too much when mummy's friends and colleagues come visiting. Instantaneously, the house becomes a smoke hole. Spoiled as I am, I cannot stand the smell of cigarettes, and I certainly don't appreciate having my hair smell like a stale ashtray the entire day, even after shampooing. :(
Baby very generously invited me to go visiting with him next year. Hmmm. Let's see about that. :)
And V Day. I don't remember the last time I actually celebrated V Day. I know, I always say, 'with the right person, everyday can be V Day. But really, it's kind of like a loserish excuse for people who don't celebrate. As time goes by, it's really quite sad when you have nothing memorable to remember by on V Day.
Last year, I ran away to BKK, which counts towards being one of my worst holidays (the other one is obviously Taiwan, because I did nothing, and went nowhere). V Day was spent melting in Chaktuchak, where the blistering hot sun burned away any mood I had for shopping, not that there were alot of things I would have bought.
The year before last, I think I spent it leveling in WOW. See, even Ray, sweet as he was, didn't do anything nice for me on V Day. Similarly, I think that was how we spent the previous one. :(
Oh, I do have the ugly bear that LCS gave me on 2006's V Day. Something he grabbed from a pushcart at NUS before meeting me. Well, as much as it's the thought that counts, I wonder how much thought actually went in to mindlessly grabbing an ugly bear from a pushcart conveniently along the way.
Sigh. I've begun to subscribe to the very commercialized notion of V Day and such. As much as I hope everyday can be worthy of an occasion, it still is completely sickening to not have that memory to indulge in. :(
Still, I guess I'm really glad baby could make it over at all, given that it was, afterall, the first day of the CNY. This year's disappointment ought to be easier to swallow given that even florists and restaurants have also reported a marked dip in their V Day sales. :)
People rarely become their partners' perfect bf or gf. There are lapses in the relationship, when my ability to be patient and understanding falls out of reach. I know I try, even though there have been times aplenty when I feel like I haven't tried hard enough.
Quarrelled with baby the other day. The core of the issue is something we can't run away from. Something I know I need to learn to deal with. I know that baby loves me, I can see the effort that he puts in, the changes he has effected, the little sacrifices along the way.
People often say, it hasn't been easy for them, and I'm more than thankful that it has been relatively smooth-sailing for us. I always question him on his past relationships because he has maintained that right from the start, they have been marred with quarrels and misunderstandings. And I'm worried, because we rarely quarrel, can we overcome it, when we do?
Baby, I know I've been really grouchy and impatient lately. And I guess I'm not the nicest person to be around with these days. I know you love me, and you've given alot in loving me. I love you too. I hope I really learn to accept our disparities. Let's be in love for a long, long time. :)
-- Post From My PrettyP.
Sigh. CNY has been boring ever since we stopped going Malaysia, not that I liked it in the first place, but at least there were something to look forward to. For some reason, I've never been able to get along with my cousins very well. Other than the standard pleasantries, I rarely speak to them. I kind of think it's all a-less-than-impeccable play of charades. Maybe that's why mummy stopped going back. That said, I must say, some of my cousins are really nice people. :)
This year is nothing spectacular, as usual. Apart from the ang baos, I've got to admit I don't like it too much when mummy's friends and colleagues come visiting. Instantaneously, the house becomes a smoke hole. Spoiled as I am, I cannot stand the smell of cigarettes, and I certainly don't appreciate having my hair smell like a stale ashtray the entire day, even after shampooing. :(
Baby very generously invited me to go visiting with him next year. Hmmm. Let's see about that. :)
And V Day. I don't remember the last time I actually celebrated V Day. I know, I always say, 'with the right person, everyday can be V Day. But really, it's kind of like a loserish excuse for people who don't celebrate. As time goes by, it's really quite sad when you have nothing memorable to remember by on V Day.
Last year, I ran away to BKK, which counts towards being one of my worst holidays (the other one is obviously Taiwan, because I did nothing, and went nowhere). V Day was spent melting in Chaktuchak, where the blistering hot sun burned away any mood I had for shopping, not that there were alot of things I would have bought.
The year before last, I think I spent it leveling in WOW. See, even Ray, sweet as he was, didn't do anything nice for me on V Day. Similarly, I think that was how we spent the previous one. :(
Oh, I do have the ugly bear that LCS gave me on 2006's V Day. Something he grabbed from a pushcart at NUS before meeting me. Well, as much as it's the thought that counts, I wonder how much thought actually went in to mindlessly grabbing an ugly bear from a pushcart conveniently along the way.
Sigh. I've begun to subscribe to the very commercialized notion of V Day and such. As much as I hope everyday can be worthy of an occasion, it still is completely sickening to not have that memory to indulge in. :(
Still, I guess I'm really glad baby could make it over at all, given that it was, afterall, the first day of the CNY. This year's disappointment ought to be easier to swallow given that even florists and restaurants have also reported a marked dip in their V Day sales. :)
People rarely become their partners' perfect bf or gf. There are lapses in the relationship, when my ability to be patient and understanding falls out of reach. I know I try, even though there have been times aplenty when I feel like I haven't tried hard enough.
Quarrelled with baby the other day. The core of the issue is something we can't run away from. Something I know I need to learn to deal with. I know that baby loves me, I can see the effort that he puts in, the changes he has effected, the little sacrifices along the way.
People often say, it hasn't been easy for them, and I'm more than thankful that it has been relatively smooth-sailing for us. I always question him on his past relationships because he has maintained that right from the start, they have been marred with quarrels and misunderstandings. And I'm worried, because we rarely quarrel, can we overcome it, when we do?
Baby, I know I've been really grouchy and impatient lately. And I guess I'm not the nicest person to be around with these days. I know you love me, and you've given alot in loving me. I love you too. I hope I really learn to accept our disparities. Let's be in love for a long, long time. :)
-- Post From My PrettyP.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
you're the only thing i know, like the back of my hand
I see your face in my mind as I drive away,
Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way.
People are people,
And sometimes we change our minds.
But its killing me to see you go after all this time.
Mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
Music starts playin like the end of a sad movie,
Its the kinda ending you dont really wanna see.
Cause its tragedy and itll only bring you down,
Now I dont know what to be without you around.
And we know its never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.
Youre the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I cant,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.
Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt.
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.
But people are people,
And sometimes it doesnt work out,
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.
And we know its never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.
Youre the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I cant,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.
Its two a.m.
Feelin' like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know its not easy,
Easy for me.
Its two a.m.
Feelin like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know this aint easy,
Easy for me.
And we know its never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.
Ohhh
I cant,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.
Sorry (oh) Sorry (mmm)
Sorry (eh eh) Sorry (mmm)
Sorry (eh eh) Sorry (mmm)
Sorry
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Happy 9号~~~
(I'm exactly 24 hours late. Hee!)
Thank you baby, for the tumbler. You make me miss you when I drink water at work. And you know, I drink hell alot of water when I'm working. :)
Yes, the eyebags. :(
Haven't been sleeping enough, I know. But for some weird reason, I keep dozing off when I turn in early the night before, and super alert when I obviously don't have enough sleep.
I still can't tell how I'll cope at my new job at the moment. Training keeps getting postponed because everyone's busy, while we sit around and try to fit in. So yes, almost a month into it, and we've not properly commenced yet. But well, I like my new environment enough to say that I think I'll be there for awhile. At least the people there are friendly. Most of them are, anyway. :)
Oh well, time to sleep already. Hope I dream of baby tonight, and every night hereafter.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
random #49
Yay! Hong Kong in July! This time round, no one will stop me from going to Disneyland. Baby wants to go too! :)
Mad happy because Tony's offered to monitor air fares for us (since he's also going around the same time), so I have 1 less thing to worry about. Seriously contemplating spending our last night at the Disneyland hotel. Since we're there, might as well enjoy the full Disney experience!
Scrimping and saving for now.
Oh, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus was super nice. Had loads of colourful dreams after watching it yesterday. Stupid boyfriend is infatuated with Lily Cole and her neh neh though (and in my retaliation, I'm going to go gawk at Taylor Lautner's awe-inspiring growth spurt). I want to watch Alice in Wonderland. Not related, I know, but somehow I can't help drawing parallels.
And my Aldo shoes. Nude heels, finally. :) No more shoe shopping till HK though.
Us and our amazing photo-taking rapport.
Had dinner with a cousin, who came over from Malaysia, last weekend. Korean BBQ, mummy's treat. The sam kyup sal was super yummy, lots of fats! Though I still think the Nolboo place at OC was better.
Over dinner, mummy actually commented that she sometimes mistake baby as didi, to my stupid boyfriend's delight. He thrives in opportunities as such, to relish in the fact that he's A FEW MONTHS younger than me. Humph!
I need to sleep already. Love my boyfriend. :) The irritating pi sprung me a surprise, sneaking up behind me at Raffles Place MRT while I was on my way home earlier. Stole a half hour for hugs (yikes! no kisses!!!) before he had to start work. Hehe! Can't wait for the weekend, because this Saturday's mine!
Nights!!
Mad happy because Tony's offered to monitor air fares for us (since he's also going around the same time), so I have 1 less thing to worry about. Seriously contemplating spending our last night at the Disneyland hotel. Since we're there, might as well enjoy the full Disney experience!
Scrimping and saving for now.
Oh, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus was super nice. Had loads of colourful dreams after watching it yesterday. Stupid boyfriend is infatuated with Lily Cole and her neh neh though (and in my retaliation, I'm going to go gawk at Taylor Lautner's awe-inspiring growth spurt). I want to watch Alice in Wonderland. Not related, I know, but somehow I can't help drawing parallels.
And my Aldo shoes. Nude heels, finally. :) No more shoe shopping till HK though.
Us and our amazing photo-taking rapport.
Had dinner with a cousin, who came over from Malaysia, last weekend. Korean BBQ, mummy's treat. The sam kyup sal was super yummy, lots of fats! Though I still think the Nolboo place at OC was better.
Over dinner, mummy actually commented that she sometimes mistake baby as didi, to my stupid boyfriend's delight. He thrives in opportunities as such, to relish in the fact that he's A FEW MONTHS younger than me. Humph!
I need to sleep already. Love my boyfriend. :) The irritating pi sprung me a surprise, sneaking up behind me at Raffles Place MRT while I was on my way home earlier. Stole a half hour for hugs (yikes! no kisses!!!) before he had to start work. Hehe! Can't wait for the weekend, because this Saturday's mine!
Nights!!
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